Does Anybody Hear Her

One Holiday Down, One to go

2006-12-05T10:12:00.000-06:00

Hello, and Happy Holidays to you all!
Apologies, again, for my recent absence.
Life is FABULOUS! The engagement is official, and the holidays have emerged on us like a lion.
We are anxiously awaiting the arrival of my new cousin, he should be landing on earth this Saturday!!!!
Thanksgiving was, well, it just was. It was ok, no fights, only a few slaps in the face with words. We survived.

This is always a hard time of year for me. I have to keep reminding myself that people, although good hearted, can be VERY selfish. Mom didn't react well to my engagement, no surprise. The Christmas plans are gearing up, what does this have to do with mom? Well, Christmas Day is ALWAYS a difficult one. She tends to hook my anxiety with her selfishness. He reasons for selfishness will be absent this year...until I ask that my fiance's father join us for the festivities. See, she thinks that Christmas at my Grandmother's house is hers. Like the day should be all about her. I, on the other hand, would be perfectly content spending the day at a soup kitchen or with a family that is less privileged than mine. So, what are my true thoughts on all of this? Well, I am gaining ground in the world of "I don't need your approval". Not just my mother's approval, but anyone's. I need God's approval. The song that makes so much sense to me says "this journey is my own". When the day comes, I will be standing before the Lord, alone. What an amazing thought!

As we embark on this wonderful season, I pray for all of the world, that we can remember the TRUE meaning of the season. I look forward to my Christmas morning prayer time!

My Christmas present, Therapist has given us her blessing of good mental health and good relationship tools. Our next appointment....is not until we need it!

Surprise!!!!

2006-08-24T08:56:00.000-05:00

Well, if you are still checking in....I am glad to know that you care. My two month sabatical from writing has been a very good journey of normalcy to me. I have been told by several people, including my therapist, that I NEED to keep writing, that it is how people keep up with my life...cause I disappear in real life too. Well, I have tossed it around for awhile, and thought about why I hadn't been writing, on an intimate level. I have found that truly living in the gray is something I have to dive into with BOTH feet. I have used my blog as an expresssion of the "crap" in my life, and to share my walks with anyone who might care. It had almost become a crutch for me to have some additional validation from the world around me. What I know now is that I miss writing, but I am not going to beat myself up for missing a couple of days, or weeks.

To bring you all up to date:
Job...going well, but I am getting some additional advice from someone who has been in my shoes today. Being an anxious person, it is difficult to work from home. I can find a THOUSAND other things that need to be done...even if they are work related, so that I don't actually have to make a sales call. That doesn't make for a profitable life for a sales rep.

Love... I have found it, on earth and in heaven. I have been able to LIVE IN THE GRAY with my Christian walk. (If you want me to explain this, I will be happy to) I love God, and am SOOOOOOOOOOO thankful for what he is doing in my life. Love on earth, well, I have had the fairytale. It DOES happen, and it is WONDERFUL to FINALLY know that this is right. I have prayed about it, prayed with him, and know with every bone in my body that we will be spending the rest of our lives together! I will keep you all up to date in regards to upcoming nuptuals....yep...I said it....we are planning on getting married. I could tell you all LOADS of stuff about him, but I just want to leave you with one thought.....he is going to therapy with me....to learn more about me, and how I deal with life. Therapist has asked for him to come, and he agreed. If I could remember how to post a pic, I would put one of us up....I'll work on that.

Well, I hope to be more present in this blogging world...BUT you will notice a different tone in my writing. I have learned so much through this, that I finally think I have come to some sort of plateau. Life seems to be a balancing act, and I teeter still, but today...the grocery bags are of equal weight.

Lessons I Keep Learning

2006-06-23T06:51:00.000-05:00

Hi. What have I learned this week? LOTS!
1. I HATE HORMONES! Not only do they affect my thinking, my self-esteem, my body, BUT I allow them to plummet me into a dark place. A hole.
2. I can handle life without therapy until July 10th...yep, I said July 10th...that seems SOOOO FAR! But, she has given me tools, if I just remember to use them, I will be fine.
3. I CAN READ!!! Yep...read. It is still difficult to retain the information, but at least I have the patience to read more than two sentences.
4. The little girl... I try to be as aware of her as possible. I noticed that when she is uncomfortable, or hurt, she retreats....because "children are to be seen and not heard". (this is something I was told often as a child) This is where the "hiding" comes from. I hide from the world because something has hurt me...tripped my trigger...add that to the hormones...you have a textbook recluse, that has the outward appearance of depression, but is actually just a hurt little girl.
I could go on, and on, and on...BUT...I digress.

Where do I go from here? Well, I just have to remember and realize what the hormones are doing, and combat it to the best of my ability. I have to use the tools that I have to deal with the hiccups of life...that is all they are...hiccups. (What is the best cure for hiccups....water...I will drink in the Lord, and let Him wash me clean). Reading, well, I am planning to spend the weekend by the pool, reading, learning about God...and feeling the water.

A thought to leave you with...
He also is "a father of the fatherless" (v. 5). He comes right where we are to comfort and heal our broken hearts. Furthermore, God is Judge and Redeemer. He frees those who are bound with chains.
* * *
Are you feeling oppressed by your enemies? Leave the burden with your Father, and let Him be your Conqueror.

Where, Oh Where, Can I Be?

2006-06-20T07:22:00.000-05:00

I keep doing this...disappearing...hiding...running. I HATE IT!
Recap:
I have started my new job. I have had some good response, and some not so good. I have a long, difficult road ahead. I have to remember that for every negative, there are also successes. I also have to remember to not take the negatives personally...difficult as it may be.

It seems that I am continually getting knocked down, with finances, relationships, work...etc...The thing is...I KNOW why...I miss church, I miss God, I miss me. I have mentioned once before that when I am missing in action from the blogging world, I am probably running from something. This time has been no different. I am so tired of running...

I am done traveling for awhile...I can't afford the gas to go anywhere.

I have therapy tomorrow...and I am thinking of hitting the Wednesday night service afterward. I DESPERATELY need it.

Trying to shake the discouragement,
M

Duck Thoughts

2006-06-03T08:54:00.000-05:00

Let's have a little duck discussion...
1. My family eats ducks for Christmas dinner...very yum with grape jelly.
2. Being from the south, most males that I know duck hunt. (If I could just get them to "hunt" me for a date.)
3. Duck tape, also being from the south, will fix just about anything....and if it doesn't...WD40 will. (Now, I know that it is actually spelled duct tape...but their logo is a duck...and I think there is a brand name called duck...so there...)
4. Ducks are designed to not allow water to penetrate their feathers...I am being like a duck with the BAD SEWER water that seems to be in the pond that I have landed on.
5. Duck...also a term used to warn someone that dangerous objects might be hurling towards their head....so, I duck from LOTS of thing...be they tangible or intangible.
6. Down...down feathers...come from ducks...and I LOVE me some down feather pillows!
7. Duck...an obscure character from a fab 80's movie called Pretty In Pink...he was VERY much like a duck in water, and duck tape.
8. Duck...could have totally changed the movie Forrest Gump... "Dear God, make me a DUCK so I can fly far, far away." (Since they were in a southern state while saying this prayer...it might have been immediately followed by sounds of shotguns. A little dark, I know, but it still would have been pretty funny.)
9. Rubber Ducky...favorite bathtub toy and song of MANY children.
10. Well, I would REALLY be reaching for this one...so let me know what you think of when you hear the word duck.

Now, how am I like a duck? I am a part of my family...like the duck for Christmas. I also have been known to try to "fix" everything...even when it didn't involve me, like duck tape. I am working to be more like a duck in regards to the situations around me...I "duck" away from them, or I am trying to let the water run off my back like a duck. The PIP character was a little out of the ordinary, and didn't feel like he fit in...oh yeah, that is so me. Rubber Ducky...I LOVE CHILDREN...and I hope to be as pleasant a memory to their childhoods as their rubber ducks.

The fact that I have taken this "duck thing" so far...well, kinda bothers me...I can be SO WEIRD! But...God created ducks, and He created me, so we are related.

Keep on QUACKIN...my bruthas and sistas! (Consequestly...quack....also a term used for the mentally unstable, or someone that doesn't know what they are doing...now THAT is disturbing!)

The Moselys

2006-06-02T07:59:00.000-05:00

I HAD TO SHARE THIS!!!!

This is my best friend's son....she has started a blog so that her family can "keep up" with his growing up. If you want a good laugh...go check it out...(And I am going to HAVE to show her how to use the spellcheck....but I guess she probably doesn't have time...this little guy is a MESS...an ADORABLE MESS)

Her blog...http://www.themoselys.blogspot.com/

One more quick funny story...about a year ago, he started to recognize me. I LOVE it when kids do that!! Well, instead of giving kisses, we give noggin. I will pick him up and say "Give me Noggin"....and we butt heads...just like the turtles from Finding Nemo. He makes me smile every time!

The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe

2006-06-02T07:07:00.000-05:00

The Lion -
Isaiah Chapter 31 from The Message
"Like a lion, king of the beasts, that gnaws and chews and worries its prey, Not fazed in the least by a bunch of shepards who arrive to chase it off, So God-of-the-Angel-Armies comes down to fight on Mount Zion, to make war from its heights. And like a huge eagle hovering in the sky, God-of-the-Angel-Armies protects Jerusalem, I'll protect and rescue it. Yes, I'll hover and deliver."

My lion, today, is the calls that I need to make. They are former competitors of mine. I know that God will SWOOP down, and give me the courage to contact them, and the confidence to face them. I will read this verse today...before I make each of those calls.

The flipside...I made some easier calls yesterday...to friends of mine in the industry...I was afraid of their response, and their reaction. I was pleasantly surprised. They do, in fact, know me. They seemed excited for me, and willing to help. It was a good day.

The Witch - This is not to say that my mother is a witch...it just sounded good. The situation that we confronted her with two weeks ago has gone public....and from what we have heard has been "flipped". Our concern for her health, mentally and physically, and our efforts to help and protect her from furthur pain has been twisted into selfishness. We are BAD children. What I am struggling with is multi-leveled in regards to this. (I must tell you that none of this directly affects me, but I am pained for the ones that it does...so I am referring to it as my own in this blog...it's just easier to explain that way.) We all have freedom of thought. Often what we listen to is not what we hear. I am wondering if the "flipped" version of the story is what my mother "heard", or what my grandmother "heard". I cannot be responsible for what my mother or grandmother "hears", but the fact is that what we get on the backside is NEVER the whole truth. I have thought for many years that is was solely my mother that twisted the truth for her benefit, and I still think that she does that...what is difficult to come to grips with is that she is her mother's daughter, so where does the hiccup occur? My aunt does not seem to have this same affliction, so I tend to believe that the fault does not lie with my grandmother, BUT...no one is perfect, no one is 100% truthful 100% of the time...this has to do with what we "hear", and what we want to "hear". My saving grace, comes from God. I must contiue to love these women, and accept them for who they are...even if I don't understand who they are, or approve of what they do. I do not approve of this situation, but it is NOT my place to judge them. Me, the Pollyanna eyed little girl, will become like a duck...and just let the water roll off of my back. My prayers, love, and deepest sympathies to ALL of my family...my flock of ducks. Quack Quack.

The Wardrobe - my quiet place... curled up in His lap.

FUNK - E - Chicken

2006-05-31T07:43:00.000-05:00

Bubba was right...but not TOTALLY right. He told me that he was afraid that I would falter in my faith...which I kind of have. It is more like being distracted...which is VERY easy for me to do. What rocks about this is that I haven't faltered for as long as I usually do. (Consequently, I LOVE proving him wrong...and HATE telling him he is right...well, sort of...he is a VERY wise man.)

The rollercoaster valleys and peaks aren't as dramatic as they once were, but they are still there...and I know that they always will be. If I could identify them coming, I could brace myself. One thing that I do know is that when I skip church two weeks in a row, I, without fail, head into a valley. I love the weekly encouragement that church gives. I also know that reading my Bible, doing some sort of study, and reading christian blogs assists me with not being distracted. Here is where my "little brain" is often allowed to take control...and hinder me from these daily types of devotions. If I begin to read my Bible study, or the Bible, or my blog friends, and it deems that I will not be able to concentrate, then the tasks become too difficult. When this happens, I give up...notice the fact that I have NOT done any of my LBY study, or cleaned my bathroom yet. I have a hard time grasping monumentous tasks...on a couple of occasions...and I give up. I hope to try again...with the study...and the bathroom.

My BIG struggle today is the fact that I OFFICIALLY start my new job tomorrow. I have been in training, but tomorrow, I will be making my first round of calls. I am terrified. I know how to do this, I know my products, but I am afraid. What if they don't like me? What if I don't make a good impression? What if they ask me about my "hiding" from the industry for the last year? What if they can't see past the fact that my former employer taught me all of the wrong things, and that I have learned from it. What if I go into these places and puke all of this on them?

I am going to try to pray A LOT today, and every day in regard to this. I also have therapy tonight...I could use some tools/advice on how to overcome all of this.

So there you have it...my FUNK - E - Chicken dance for today....could someone PLEASE change the music?

Still Sweepy

2006-05-30T07:48:00.000-05:00

YYYYAAAAWWWWNNNNN......SSSSSTTTTRRRRREEEEEETTTTTTCCCCCHHHH!
Ahhh...much better.

I feel like I have been "asleep" for the last few days. I made it home safe and sound LATE Friday night, and I have done NOTHING for the last three days....absolutely nothing. It was so nice.

I had a great trip...it was a nice combination of Little Me, and Adult Me. I don't have any big monumentous things to share...I am just glad to be home.

On another note, I am REALLY trying to make myself read. I tried on the plane...no luck. I tried in the hotel...no luck. I decided to try to read before I went to sleep last night...I actually made it through a chapter. I was so excited! The book that I am reading is "Searching for God Knows What"...one thing I noticed...this guy writes in a similar pattern to the way that I write. I still had trouble reading, BUT...I at least made it through a chapter...um, but don't ask me to recall what I read...

Hey...look, I figured out how to post pictures...cool! Yep...I was in Seattle...it was pretty groovy!

Ok, I think I need some coffee...I am still not awake.

Persnickity Rules

2006-05-24T07:38:00.000-05:00

I. MISSED.MY.FLIGHT! I MISSED MY FLIGHT! (Insert choice words here)
My flight was to depart at 6:30 this morning...early, but since I am a morning person, not that big of a deal. Well, I arrived and was parked EXACTLY on time to check in, get through security and make it to the gate with about 2 minutes to spare...BUT...the airline that I am flying, evidently, has a MINIMUM 2 HOUR PRIOR check-in. 2 hours???? What is that all about? The airport where I live is NOT big...only 12 gates....and NO entertainment available to occupy one for 2 WHOLE HOURS. I am beginning to think that they get kickbacks from the merchants in the terminal. Well, when I arrived, perfectly coiffed for my afternoon business meeting, and RIGHT on time by my precise calculations....I missed the ticket agents by 30 seconds...they had just left. AHHHHHHH! I did learn some important airline info though. The FAA shuts down the airlines ability to issue bording passes 30 mins prior to flying...they couldn't do it if they wanted to. Also, I learned that to fly standby on the next flight...Oh, I hope it isn't fully booked....I have to be checked in 3 hours before departure...3 HOURS!!! What on earth am I going to do for three hours? Don't they know that I have anxiety issues? After three hours of sitting in the airport, I might be climbing the walls...literally. (Oh, and I am not a fan of flying to begin with...medication is usually in order to fly at all.) So...three hours of anticipation, waiting, not knowing if I am actually going to get on the flight at all...well...I have a VERY fun day ahead of me.

To top this all off, I was going to meet Daring Young Mom for dessert and coffee tonight...now, I won't even be able to do that. Me so sad.

Ok, I guess I will quit whining...had I researched, I could have printed my boarding pass off the internet, or I could have gotten there earlier....my bad.

Sigh...I hope that you all have FABULOUS Wednesdays...I know that mine will be too...eventually.

Baby Steps Part Deux

2006-05-23T07:51:00.000-05:00

Well, I leave again tomorrow...I am VERY excited about my new job, but am getting a bit worn out by the MASS of information that I am getting, and the traveling....sigh. I will be possibly meeting a blogging friend this week, so that is keeping me going. She is VERY busy right now, but the possibility of meeting her, and knowing that there is someone I "know" close by brings me great comfort.

Ok, down to business.

Therapist last night dicussed my previous post...YES...I print these out for her. We talked about the "little girl", how old she was at this point, how scared she was on my last trip, how I am FINALLY able to see the difference between her and me...the seperation will aid me in holding her hand while she grows up. At this rate when I am 60, she will be in her late 30's...

Another very valuable conversation that we had was in reference to, as she calls it, "my little brain". Now, I know that she does not say this because she thinks I am small minded, but because my brain very closely resembles a housefly...it darts around from place to place at incredible speed, and with great effort. Bear with me...this will all have a point...

She gave me an example of her husband...who is also an anxious person...they were digging holes in their yard to plant some trees. Therapist...in her logical way...used a shovel...common sense. Well, her hubby decided that it would be faster to use a post hole digger...also not a terribly bad idea. They both dug away. He encountered some "user errors", and had to rig the digger to work effectively, then he came upon a rock, so the post hole digger placed aside, he had to address the rock issue....and so on...he became VERY focused on the issue at hand...the ever changing issue....this is anxiety at it's finest...not really like ADD, but similar. In the time he was focused on his ONE hole, she had completed several...because she didn't allow the same speed bumps that he encountered to let her lose focus on the bigger picture.

To bring this all back together...anxious minds MUST learn to deal with things in baby steps...something I have tackled before in a previous blog. It seems as though the BIG picture is too overwhealming...so we procrastinate....until it becomes so MONUMENTOUS that we eventually give up....I have NO IDEA how I made it through college! To explain this furthur, she used the example of cleaning the bathroom. (I recall cleaning mine sometime in the last year...I am not a "dirty" person, so it is not THAT gross) When the situation presents itself as needing to be done, it becomes this HUGE task...an ALL DAY CHORE...it's just one bathroom...but it feels like I would be cleaning the bathrooms at Grand Central Station...with a child's toothbrush. So, baby steps are in order to complete the task. Small goals...Monday, clean the mirror. Tuesday, the counter....you get the idea. Organization is VERY closely related to this...

Big House, Small Fly....

So there you have it...baby steps and flies for the anxious mind.

The bathroom....will wait until next week. ;-)

Movie Quotes

2006-05-22T06:21:00.000-05:00

Ok, so it is early. I am in a GREAT mood today. There is a song that is running through my head...as there usually is when I wake. Today....living for today...I am gonna let my little light shine like there's no tomorrow...

Being in such a good mood this morning, I thought I would let the world know that some of my humor is, well, borrowed. From movies. These are a few of my favs...and I can usually insert them into conversations...sometimes, I am the only one laughing, but who cares, right?

Oh, and they are NOT verbatim...my memory isn't THAT good.

Hey, let's play a game - see if you can figure out which movies these are from...sorry no prizes, just a little fun.

If you have any poo, now is a good time to throw it.

Negative ghostrider, the pattern is full.

You want me on that wall, you need me on that wall.

You follow ole Rafiki, he know de way.

Stop looking at at me, sssccchhhhwwwaaaannn.

Buehler, Buehler.

Get busy livin, or get busy dyin.

It's not show friends, it's show business.

Toe Pick.

Eat the food, Tina!

I'm a hound dog! Hhhhhoooowwwwllll

You. Had. Sex. With. My. Promdate. You had sex with my prom date!

Housekeeping. You want me fluff pillow?

What day is it? October? It's nudie magazine day!

I got her number, how bout them apples?

My name is Enigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die.

Luke, I am your father. You are not my father!

We are NOT brothers.

And...drumroll, please....from the best chic flick that involves guns, gamblin, AND Val Kilmer.....
"I'm your Huckleberry."

Wow, I watch WAY too many movies...

Happy Monday!

Oh So Very Glad To Be Home

2006-05-21T08:28:00.000-05:00

I made it home, safe and sound. Consequently, I leave again for more training on Wednesday. Mid June I will be home, well only will be traveling in my own state.

My life, it seems, is one lesson after another about myself. I learned A LOT in my four days of travel. It has taken me two days to process it all.

The recap: Therapist encouraged me to "open my eyes and take it all in". So, I did that. The trip to Dallas was GREAT. I had some fab time with God. Didn't get lost even once. (I can get lost in a bathtub...really, so this was quite an accomplishment for me. I flew into DC...the Ronald Reagan airport. (HIGHLY recommended to fly in there just as the sun sets...it was BEAUTIFUL!!!) I noticed that the "little girl" was VERY present. I even saw her when I looked in the mirror. It was almost like I had two personalities...hmmmm...maybe I should be in a mental institution...just kidding. She was there, with her eyes WIDE open. She was scared, but excited. When I got to Canada, I made it through Customs...whew...they didn't find the 95 kilos of coke I was carrying...again, kidding. Since I have never traveled alone, there was an overwhealming sense of being lost...and wanting someone to help me. I went to the area where the Taxis and shuttles are, in hopes that there would just magically be a shuttle there to pick ME up. HA! It was very late...and I think I was the only person that spoke english. (I wasn't sure I hadn't gotten on a plane to the Orient by mistake...there were so MANY cute little Non- North Americans! (Hope that doesn't offend...it IS well intended) Well, I spoke with the older Taxi guru...I KNOW that somewhere in me, I hoped that he would recognize my fear and just help me...WRONG! I eventually just grabbed a cab...which I was totally RIPPED off...oh well. Got to my room...and slept...I was EXHAUSTED!

Wed, relax...I knew that I was in the hands of my new boss at this point. Limo...yes, I said LIMO...picked me up and took me to the factory. Adult M was back, and there to learn, and earn the confidence of the people that I will be working with. It was great.

I didn't see the little girl again for the remainder of the trip. I recall having conversations inside my head in regards to the fact that I COULDN'T let her out again. I needed to make sure that these people knew that I am an adult, and a professional...I think this affected my drive home in a negative way. I didn't enjoy it they way that I normally would. Maybe that was just the exhaustion.

Notes from the trip...well, from the plane when the little girl was WAY present...
I have a very weird feeling that everyone is looking at me, and thinking I am an idiot. Ignorance is bliss, so I am still smiling. It is strange to KNOW that you appear like Pollyanna. I wonder why they are staring. Ok, slow down...this is just your inner child having self-esteem issues. The question is will I EVER get a grown up look on my face? Man, I can almost HEAR the little girl, and the anxiety monster. Name it, it is not that hard. Pray, and keep your eyes open, observe the world, you are not alone. Research the airline pretzels, they are good. - Oops, you probably can disregard that last part.

I have a LONG journey ahead...insert Sara Groves song....this journey is my own.

Epic

2006-05-16T06:16:00.000-05:00

I have A LOT to write today - sorry for the epic blog. I understand if you can't make it to the end.

Therapy was GREAT last night. We discussed the happenings of the weekend with mom,and how it affected me, good and bad. Therapist keeps telling me to "name it", "own it", and "accept it for what it is". I couldn't have explained this a year ago. In my anxious mind, a comment is made, I roll it around, twist it, throw some mud on it, and react to it very quickly. Seriously, this takes about one nanosecond to occur. What I have been focused on doing with other situations, and other people is slowing my mind to actually see the truth for what it is. To head off the spiral before it starts. I have not been able to do this when it comes to my mother.

On a similar, but side note, my brother told me what he wants for me this weekend. Not from, but FOR. He is truly amzing. His desire is for me to slow down, to live in the gray. I guess I tend to worry the people that love me because I live so fast, it seems out of control. Life is very fast, and VERY black and white for me. How does this relate to the above statement? I have been able to slow down areas of my life, but they are not evident to others. The one BIG area that I have not been able to slow myself is with my family. Mostly mom, but also with others.

So, to bring this full circle, I FINALLY am able (at least I understand it) to recognize the tools needed to deal with my mother and the rest of my family. I can't let the anxiety monster flip the story into a hurt motivated kind. I must learn to understand that no one is perfect, everyone can lie, their motivations are not always to hurt me. I will accept things at face value. If they hurt me, I can process it by admitting that it is MY hurt. That it is MY mind that is twisting words to hurt. If I "own" my thoughts for what they truly are, then I can dismiss them as just thoughts...not truths. If I know and recognize what my mind is capeable of, I can head it off at the pass, and choose a different path. I chose the path that leads to Him.

I have told you before that I would blog about the following words and what they mean to me. I have difficulty deciphering the difference between them. In understanding, and SAYING out loud, I seem to understand the words, their meanings, and their roles in my life.

Approval - In my own words approval relates very closely to validation. The issue that I have struggled with in regards to approval is seeking it from worldly people. I was able to look my mother and brother in the eye this weekend and tell them that I don't need thieir approval. I need His. This was HUGE for me.
Accountability - I equate accountability to discipline. Not what most would think about disclipline either, but more like being discliplined/punished for doing something wrong. Although this is somwhat true, it is also somewhat false. Accountability is owning your actions as wrong, accepting them, and making different choices the next go around. We can be accountable to one another, but ultimately, we are accountable to God.
Acceptance - Easily misconstrued to share the meaning of approval in my mind. Acceptance is seeing truth, understanding it at face value. I told my mom and brother this weekend that what I want from them is acceptance for who I am. For all of my good and bad points. God loves us the way that we are, why can't others? I need to accept the people that love me for who they are at face value, and let God worry about changing them...I can't do it. Consequently, I am able to let God change me, to work in my life. I need to remind myself that He is doing the same in theirs.
Advice - We all know the saying about advice/opinions. I tend to look to others for advice in an effort to gain their approval and acceptance. The "little girl" is the one who seeks these things from worldly people. In doing so, she asks their advice and seems to say "Na Nanny Boo Boo...I will do what I want". This causes frustration for the people around me.

Knowing and understanding all of this is something I feel that I have wrestled with for most of my life. No more. I seek His approval - I don't need anyone else's. I am accountable to Him - not them. I am (or am at least trying to) accept the world at face value - not the value that my mind can give them - He accepts me for who I am, I must do the same with others to be more like Him. I will continue to seek advice in an effort to make educated decisions, but ultimately, I will do as He wants me to - if that matches the advice I am given, then the ones who gave it are also working to be like Him.

I am leaving today, on a journey. (I am actually driving 5 hours, hopping on a plane to go to Canada for training for my new job) I will return late Friday. I look forward to the driving parts....I LOVE to drive. The in between the driving parts is a little scary, but I am excited about it. I will be alone, in a strange city, to eat alone. The "little girl" is the one who is scared. Knowing that is half the battle.

God be with you...I KNOW he will be with me.

Chapter 4 - Rounds 1 & 2

2006-05-15T06:04:00.000-05:00

Ding Ding....back to your corners. No, it wasn't a boxing match, or even a brawl, it was more like two thirds of a no contact sport.

Round 1 - (Hey, that even looks like a boxing match sign!) Saturday night. Bubba and his family bear the hard decisions, in my opinion, of dealing with my mother. They have children. So Saturday night was a loving conversation about my mother's physical well being, and her ability or inability to take care of these precious children for part of summer vacation. We had a loving, open conversation about her physical problems. (what I haven't shared with you is that my mother was born in 1948...she's not old) She has seven degenerating discs in her back...and is in A LOT of pain. We talked very openly about what the doctors are doing, and what the plan is for the next few months. We also talked about all of the possibilities of her physical state with or without surgery. No specific decisions about anything were made, but we were able to communicate about it, and that we are here for her, and that we love her.

Round 2 - Sunday, after a morning of attending my church....something that meant so much for me to have them both with me. We got bubba all packed up and were ready to go visit grandmother before he headed out of town, when a whistle somewhere blew. Mom sat on the sofa and said "I have one question. Will I be able (allowed) to keep the kids this summer?" (Insert dramatic music here) We sat, and Bubba told her that he didn't think that she could physically care for them. As a parent, and a son, this must have been a VERY difficult statement to make. Mom began crying, and retreated to her room, expecting us to vacate the premises to leave her to her self pity. Bubba went and got her, and asked her to come talked to us...then...the truth began to come out. We talked about feelings and how you cannot change the way that someone feels, and that we understood that she was hurt, but that there were other options, this wasn't the end of the world, and that it was selfish of her to act this way. (Ok, so I am sugar coating a bit). We then discussed her mental well being, and how there are MANY inconsistencies that we have noticed, and that she will not be able to manipulate those kids, or us anymore. We talked to her about her short temper and the fact that she used to be a much nicer person, but that when she lashes out (in her words...as a result of her physical pain) that she doesn't apologize to the people that she hurts. She admits that she knows that she lashes out...she had no explanation for not apologizing. (In my mind...there is a HUGE admission of guilt in all of this.) The conversation went on...for three hours. We discussed LOTS of situations, and remedies to how we all could do better at being a family. We all discussed what we needed from each other in order to feel like a family, and to be a part of each other's lives. It was a good conversation.

Given the lengthy past of being hurt, it is going to be a very difficult road for all of us. We all have to forgive each other. (Forgive - a word that I do not believe that my mother truly understands...she seems to misconstrue it and turn it into "give"...what else can she "give"...) It is truly God's work that my brother and I have such a good relationship...hard at times, but ultimately, we truly love each other. We want the same thing for and from our mother. An HONEST, LOVING relationship.

My view on the whole thing...I feel like I have some HUGE unresolved issues. This is where faith and therapy will play a BIG role for me. I have to work on my own ability to forgive my mom for hurting me. We didn't talk all that much about my mommadrama (word adptation taken from another blogger...thanks). After a few comments made during the conversation, it was clear that my hurt has developed into anger, and I am not able to control my tongue at times. The comments, and hurt that we did talk about were completely denied on my mom's part...which hurt more, which made me more angry, which made me want to say hurtful things to her, which would make me no better than she. THANK GOD that bubba was able to recognize this and cut me off before I spiraled. So, therapist and I will be working on this, so that I too may have some peace with my mother. Skepticism about her reactions is going to be a VERY hard thing to overcome.

So there you have it. I honestly feel like there is a round three to come. I am trusting God to prepare my heart for it. I pray for the ability to overcome my own pain, and FORGIVE her.

God,
I can't do this on my own. I can't do this with my brother's help. I can't do this. I know that you know the desires of my heart and that you have blessed me time and time again. This one...it's all yours...
I love you.
Me

Dreams and Whispers

2006-05-13T06:14:00.000-05:00

I had a dream last night that I remember parts of very vividly. I am not exactly sure where we were or what was happening, but this is the compressed version.

Standing in a line somewhere with my mother, brother and grandmother, there was some discussion as to what we were supposed to do next. Were we supposed to get our drinks, or take the elevator? (Don't you just love dreams?) If we were supposed to get our drinks, were they paid for, and exactly where was the elevator? Bubba, being from out of town, did not know the immediate answer. Grandmother, still one of the smartest women I know, was as lost as a child in the grocery store. Mom, well...no explanation. I told them all several times that the drinks were paid for and that I would show them to the elevator since I was familiar with the facility. This was completely ignored, so I re-stated it. After being ignored a third time, I dropped to my knees and SCREAMED in the middle of some very public place (a Southern woman would NEVER do this) "DOES ANYBODY HEAR HER?" I sobbed. When I looked up, they were gone, and I was alone, still screaming and sobbing.

I would love to tell you that I give no weight to dreams. Usually I don't, but this one was a little too intense to ignore. What does it mean? Why don't we understand dreams? Are dreams/nightmares the work of God or Satan?

To relate all of this to recent situations, while traveling last week with my mother and grandmother, I stepped into my "cruise director" role of traveling. Neither of them have flown for several years, and the airports have changed...a lot since their last "voyage". I became their "parent". This is a role that I have struggled with many times with my mother. I have been an emotional parent for many years.

I tell you all of this because the "Chronicals of Momia" will reach the climax of the story tonight. We are confronting her with her anger, lies, and deception. She has hurt so many people without apology for so long. There are now several people under 4'9" that she can affect/manipulate/hurt. If we don't protect them, I am afraid that they will face the same issues that I have. The excuses that she has given for her behavior do not gel with the timeframe of how long she has acted this way. It is time to open the wardrobe and face the ficticious world that she is living in. She can't hurt us anymore. We won't let her get to us.

Us and we...those are me, my brother, and "the little girl" inside of me. I am suiting up today, climbing in a protective bubble with the little girl. I pray for His words to be my voice. I pray for His patience, His grace, His mercy, His love.

Sarah Groves is running through my mind this morning..."Right now, I don't hear so well....I think you're whispering." I am taking comfort that a whisper is all that I need to hear Him. I KNOW that He hears me.

Dear God,
Please give us your strength, your caring hands, your loving voice.
Love,
Melissa

Playing Catch Up

2006-05-11T07:31:00.000-05:00

Well, I am not sure if you have noticed my absence, or if you really care, but Mental Vaca is OVER! I am diving head first back into the swimming pool of waves that are my daily thoughts...and bailing them out of my mind as fast as I can. See, this blog lets me clear my head, I tend to forget that at times.

I have been traveling a lot, and will continue to do so for the next month for training. Some of it has been great...just me, God, and the open road. Some of it, not so great....since when did I really learn to love my alone time? Lots of family time, some good, some...again, not so good.

This weekend...well, it's Mother's Day. I have several "mothers" in my life. The problem....my biological mother is up to her same old tricks. This weekend, even for the purpose of being thankful that we have mothers, will undoubtedly be a difficult one in my family. The Chronicals of Momia will continue next week. I have Therapist "on call", plenty of meds to ease the frustration, and a very heavy heart. I HAVE to remember that this is what is best, and that God is in control. You see, we will be conftonting my mother with her pain and depression this weekend. I have referred to it as an intervention, but that is not a good word. We are worried about her, about her mental health, her physical health, about the fact that we really don't want her to grow to be a VERY bitter old woman. How do you express this to someone who has given up so much for you? How do you, LOVINGLY, tell your mother that she is on the verge of losing her family because of her actions? How do you prepare for such an undertaking? PRAY, breath, PRAY some more.

Said "intervention" will be happening sometime after Friday evening. The bodyguards are armed and ready with their own heavy hearts, but it is time. I know this. If you have any advice, or verses that might serve me and my family well over the next few days, I would REALLY appreciate it if you might share those with me...

Preview for next post.....the difference between approval, advice, and accountability.

I have missed you.

Mental Vaca

2006-04-26T09:16:00.000-05:00

Hi all!

I am sorry for my absence. Due to the fact that I basically have the next month off, my sleeping schedule has adjusted, and my quiet time in the morning has shortened considerably. I am not distanced from God this time. I think about Him and hang out with Him all day, but I have just decided to take a bit of a mental vacation. With every day that passes, the details of my life are tying themselves up quite nicely, and in perfect order. Nothing is really "hooking" me, and I am truly just relishing the peace. So, please excuse my distance...rest assured that I am still reading your blogs, and focusing on turning my life to Him.

Thanks for your understanding!

Love,
M

Wow! (Add'l)

2006-04-21T15:54:00.000-05:00

Well, today has proven to me that God's hand is CLEARLY in my life...everything going on has worked out for the best possible solution for ALL parties involved!!!!!!!

If you hear someone screaming AMEN....it's just me celebrating!!!!!!

Wow!

2006-04-21T07:41:00.000-05:00

All I can say today is WOW!!! There is such an amazing peace in knowing that you are following Him. Things just seem to fall into place. Details of my last job are wrapping up in a nice little package, the difficulties that I knew would occur with my new job have dissipated, and I CAN'T WAIT for what is coming soon to a Melissa near you!

I will be spending LOTS of time in my car from now on, and I have a selection of Christian CD's that I hold very dear. I have also memorized all of the words to most of them. So, I am asking for your feedback. What CD's do you enjoy? (I love ALL genres of music, but have been drawn to the upbeat, able to be screamed at the top of your lungs with the top down kind as of late...just something to keep in mind)

On a totally different note, I have also been re-reading my blog as of late. (this is a VERY natural occurrence for someone who is on the anxious/obsessive side) I have come to realize that this blog is a billboard of sorts for my problems. I have been NAKED in my writing. You have read some of my very deepest thoughts, and journeyed through a very difficult time in my life. BUT...if you saw me on the street, you would NEVER know I was the person writing all of this. I am a very happy person. I truly do look at the world with a Pollyanna demeanor. The smallest things bring a child-like excitement to me. It is my FAVORITE characteristic about myself. This blog has also afforded me the ability to get the thoughts out of my head so that I can have some semblance of a normal life. I am not tempted to go to a bar and tell everyone in the room what I am going through...because I am telling you. (Consequently, I don't go to bars much anymore, can't remember the last time I did....which is HUGE for me, cause there was about a year long period when I couldn't remember the last time I didn't) So, as you read, I ask that you keep in mind that I truly leap out of bed every morning, with a smile on my face that seems cemented in place all day long. Thanks for reading my billboard!

Love, M

I GOT IT!!!!!

2006-04-20T10:01:00.000-05:00

Well, I will keep this brief. I GOT THE JOB!!! I start June 1, and I am SOOOOOOO EXCITED! I will more or less be my own boss, and there will be some in state travel involved, but I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!

Had therapy last night. She was as excited as I am. Since I will be working more or less alone, I will not have a lot of the issues that I do at my current job. I am sure there will be another batch of issues, BUT...this job is challenging...and the schedule is very flexible...AND I GET MY WEEKENDS BACK!!!!!!

Ok, that is all I have for today...maybe more tomorrow...until then...take care.

A Big Day

2006-04-19T06:38:00.000-05:00

First - the summation of my studies....

Excerpt from one of them:
But first, we must want victory. Some people would rather walk on the margin of the battlefield and be a walking victim instead of a marching victor (MY MOM). So examine your heart and say, "Lord, I want victory today." (ME)
Second, we must yield ourselves to Christ. We don't fight for victory; we fight from victory. The simple secret of winning in the Christian life is to identify ourselves with Christ, trust Him and follow Him. We'll have battles to fight, to be sure, and sometimes we might stumble and fall. But keep in mind that Christ is riding in majesty. Why don't you ride right along with Him by faith?
Jesus has conquered life, and we may stand with Him in victory. Before we can, though, we must want victory, and we must yield ourselves to Him. Are you a conqueror? By faith identify with Christ and share His victory.

ONWARD CHRISTIAN SOLDIERS! - I ride with Him today!

Second - My LBY lessons. God sees the "big picture" of our lives. It is not written, or spoken, but we, through faith, will come to understand His plan. If we let go, and die to Him, then His will is what will be done in our lives.

Today is the interview. I have very little emotion about it this morning. I am preparing to hear Him. I have a two hour drive before and after and look forward to hanging out with God during that time, and letting Him guide my heart. I know that He sees my motivations for wanting this job, I trust that He will lead me.

On another note, I have an overwhelming need to get rid of the "garbage" in my life. Today this feels like I need to rid myself of people and things that I know are unnecessary to my life. There are people that I know are not meant to be a part of my life for the rest of my life, and things that I have that I do not need. I feel like it is time to let it all go. Garbage in, garbage out. Time to clear the cobwebs...and get on with His plan with a clear mind, body, and soul.

All I have left to say is a very sincere.....
YIPPEE!!!!!!

Timing is Everything

2006-04-18T06:42:00.000-05:00

I keep apologizing for being behind in my LBY bible study. I am going at a snails pace. Everyone else is somewhere around week 4...me...day 2 week 1. BUT...I have seen God's way this morning...there is a reason that he wanted me to be taking baby steps. His timing is AMAZING!!!!

The second half of day two didn't speak to me this morning, it SCREAMED at me. I needed it so desperately, and had I read it three weeks ago, might not have been able to apply it directly to my life. The meat of the study today was about seeking worldly approval. I have written a WHOLE lot about approval...without realizing that I have been seeking the wrong approval. I have been seeking the approval of men, of mom, of grandmother, of boss. THEY DON'T MATTER. The only approval that I need is HIS. I don't want to go into the many ways that I have explained my approval seeking...feel free to read ANY of my previous posts...I promise you will find some sort of reference to it.

After mom "hooked" me this weekend, I have heard one continuing comment...I just have to let it go. To me, this is MUCH easier said than done. Well, this morning, God turned the spotlight on me. He showed me that I DON'T NEED HER APPROVAL. I need His. In seeking approval, we become enslaved to the one that we seek it from. I have spent most of my life as a "people pleaser". I have been enslaved to pretty much everyone that I know, or have ever met. Well, with His hand in my life, I will not do that anymore. I will seek only His approval. It makes so much sense to me now.

On another note, I need some help. If you visit often, and notice that I have not posted in a few days...please remind me that my distance from the blog world is a direct correlation to how distant I am from Him. The more I blog, the more I am learning about Him, and His hand in my life. I ask for your assistance with my accountability to Him.

Thank you GOD for this lesson...I needed that!

She Buttonhooked Me

2006-04-17T06:38:00.000-05:00

To those of you that are fans of Adam Sandler, you will think the title to this is Hilarious! To those of you that don't, sorry...it's not quite as funny, but you will still get the point.

A little business...To my fellow LBY sisters...I am gaining on you! I am almost finished with day 2 of week one.... :)

I am thinking of starting another blog...one that people can VENT about their mothers...completely anonymously...just a thought...

And now, for the next chapter in the Chronicles of Momia.

In order to understand this, I have to detail the happenings of yesterday. Easter Sunday.

My mom and Grandmother attended the Easter Sunrise Service with me. I was SOOOOOO excited that they were there. I had volunteered to help out, and was unable to actually sit with them...which made my mom a little angry. Well, my bestest friend's parents were in town from Colorado, and they joined Mom and GM for the service. BF's parents have invited me to go to the beach with them...which I haven't told anyone...because I am THIRTY...and I don't think that EVERYONE needs to know when I wipe my bootie. Well, BF's parents doted on me, and told Mom and GM how excited they were that I was going, and that they felt like I was a part of the family...flattering to me...evidently insulting to my Mom. (I must tell you that my roommates...that I see every day...didn't even know about the trip) Anyway. BF told me about all of this before I went to meet the whole fam for breakfast...so I was a little prepared for what was about to happen. (Oh, and Mom shot me a look that could kill after the service because I wouldn't be riding with her and GM to breakfast) Well, I arrived perfectly on time, we had a nice time. As we were exiting the restaurant, Mom and I had a BRIEF moment alone. I told her that I have a job interview on Wednesday, but that I haven't told anyone in an effort not to jinx it....her response....drumroll, please...(in her VERY stern and cold tone) "Well, I am not anyone special." And exit stage right. Yep, not congratulations, or inquiry as to what kind....nothing. For all she knows at this point, I have an interview to be a greeter at Wally World. NEATO.

As the day went on, and with a little help from the world of chemistry, I got over it. I even called to tell her thank you for going to church with me...she didn't answer. But, thanks to BF, and some FABULOUS meds, I was able to attend my usual church service, and TOTALLY enjoy it...consequently...my aunt and uncle attended with me...and it meant the world to me that they were there...

Onto the lessons of the service...sorry for the length of this blog...all of this truly occurred before noon on Easter...and I ended up in bed at 5 pm yesterday...it was just too much to take. The children's lesson was about resurrection and what our favorite day of the year is. The main point...every day is a new day! The sermon, truly wonderful, was about...um, I forget right now...but I know that I loved it, and that it spoke to me.

I truly love each and every one of you, and I pray that God is working in your lives the way that He is working in mine.

Happy Monday!

P.S. If anyone else could benefit from the "venting" blog, let me know...

Happy Easter

2006-04-15T07:12:00.000-05:00

"But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you" (1 Pet. 5:10).

One Day In the Grey

2006-04-11T08:12:00.000-05:00

Oh, yeah. A day in the grey! Oh yeah. A day in the grey! (my own little song)
Yesterday was a FABULOUS day! I didn't obsess, I got lots of stuff done, I had a great quiet time, I had a beer with my bestest friend....does anyone else see the judicial icon of balance, or is it just me?

Ok, something I have been thinking about, after being prompted to address it, has become more clear. It was pointed out to me that my blog is a contradiction in and of itself. Can you struggle to be heard, and still bound out of bed with a smile on your face every day? Yep, you sure can.

Every day is a new beginning, it is a gift from God. How you deal with life's termoil and tests is a clear determining factor of who you are. I have dealt with some pretty dark issues on here. (Because they are "my deepest thoughts") I have also shared lessons, and joys. I am struggling to decipher who I am...not Melissa the daughter, or sister, or friend, or designer, or salesperson, but really who I am. (Funny because Melissa isn't my real name) :) Dealing with the daily happenings in my life are helping me to see who I am, and to hear HIM...not me...HIM. Coming to these understandings can be dark, painful, blissful, and joyous all at the same time. So, my apologies to the one that prompted me to this...I know you don't agree. I know that you love me, and that you support me...this doesn't mean you always have to understand me...after all, I often don't understand myself. I love you more than any words will ever be able to express. You are my rock, my shelter, my support, my rescuer, my "tell me no" person...and you aren't even my parent...how amazing to have such a wonderful person in my life! Today, I send you the BIGGEST HUG! Thank you for everything you have done for me, with me, about me, etc.

Love,
Squirt

Sunburned and Enlightened

2006-04-10T06:56:00.000-05:00

I had a very cool weekend. I made the trip to my college town to see some friends. I started out Saturday mid morning with the top down on my car, thinking about how much I LOVE the town that I am heading to. I have many friends that remained there after college, who I miss dearly. The three hour drive was filled with sunshine, smiles, and solace. I turned the radio way up, and ignored my phone. I prayed...without too many Amens, but prayed nonetheless. There is a great job opportunity in that area for me right now. I am very experienced and qualified for the position, but have had doubts about applying for it. I prayed about it, got sick to my stomach about it, and called my fab sis-in-law for a little prayer backup about it.

Normally, when I crest the final hill coming into town, and can see the campus and downtown area, I get a flutter in my heart, like I am home. This time, no flutter. It was very sad to me to lack the excitement that I typically have, but I listened very closely to my heart the entire time I was there. I spent some quality time with all of my friends, and thoroughly enjoyed their company. I am blessed to have some great friends.

The lesson of the weekend: God speaks to us through our hearts, NOT our heads. I have been trying to "listen" to Him as one would listen to a parent. To obey what I know in my head is right....but that is the wrong way...you have to listen with your heart. He spoke to me very clearly through my heart. I have applied for a few jobs in this area thinking that I just needed to "go home". None of them have ever worked out. I have thought that my station in life was due to worldly circumstances...not true. There is a specific reason that I am where I am right now. On my way home...again top down, radio blaring...I accepted that my heart does not belong in that town. I HEARD HIM!! I actually heard Him, accepted it, and understood it. It was totally amazing to realize this. Sad on some levels because of the draw to that town that I have always felt, but so very exciting to hear Him. I know that I belong where He wants me...I don't necessarily feel that I belong where I am right now, but at least we have eliminated one of the possibilities...there are still lots of towns in this world. One down....gabazillions to go. If He wants to eliminate them one at a time...I am game...

From a sunburned, relaxed, and enlightened child of His....Amen!

Anxious Faith

2006-04-07T07:10:00.000-05:00

First, I need to address something to my fellow LBY studiers. As I am in the midst of learning about myself, and combating the demons that I have known my whole life, I need to tell you all that I am going back to square one with my Christian walk. Rest assured that I will still be doing the LBY study, but that I need to do it on my own schedule. After a long discussion with Therapist last night, I need to go back to "baby steps". The study is a bit much for my anxious mind at this point. I hope that you will all continue to stop by, but my post might not necessarily be in regards to our study. I need to take it all one day at a time. So, if you feel the need to remove me from the LBY list, I TOTALLY understand...I just need to commit myself to the smaller steps of Christianity at this point.

On to the lessons of therapy. I am so thankful that Therapist is a Christian, and that she can help me with all of this. We relate EVERYTHING to God, and His plan for me...that I have trouble waiting for.

I walked into therapy last night with a list of questions. She doesn't necessarily give me answers, but helps me to understand the whys.

1. About Therapist: How do you change gears from one appointment to the next? (This has been bothering me for quite some time) Her response was...it is God. He allows her mind to change gears very quickly, and focus her attentions on the person who needs His help through her the most at that moment. Pretty cool.

2. Do hormones play a role in depression? YES!!!!! After months of the cycle of lost and found, anger and acceptance, it is very clear to me that women's hormones can affect their actions, words, and thoughts...sometimes sending them into a downward spiral. 28 days from now - you will probably hear me screaming....God is bigger than the hormones!

3. Why can't I pray? I cannot finish a prayer, I haven't said Amen to one of my own prayers in MANY years. This is where an anxious mind falls easily to the ways of sin. My mind races. I cannot control it. If I cannot pray in 3 seconds, I won't finish it...which makes me feel as if I am sinning...which makes my mind take off....(this is why the LBY Bible study is so difficult for me right now) Baby steps...I am going to take one verse per week and memorize it. Repeat it as often as I can. Baby steps.

4. Why do I see every thing as black and white? Why does the light have to be off or on? ANXIETY will push you for answers...anxiety will make you impatient for a black or white answer...anxiety will make you unable to hear or see God's plan. Anxiety is a fancy word for impatience. How do I overcome this? Name it, call it what it is, when anxiety pushes for an answer, admit that is what is happening, and decipher if I am being anxious or not. Decipher when I am hanging on to anxious thoughts because I want a certain outcome, or if I am accepting reality.

IT'S NOT ABOUT ME!!! It is about Him! Listening, waiting, protecting, honoring. By honoring myself (protecting the little girl), I am honoring Him.

I might someday write a book about all of this...if I can ever slow down enough to actually write something like that...it might be a VERY short book if I wrote it now. Can you call it a book if it is only three sentences????

For today...God does not respond to what we do, we respond to what He does.

Images in my head

2006-04-04T09:45:00.000-05:00

First, I need to scream...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

OK, a little better.

I promised myself that I would not lie on here, or hide ANYTHING...so I am out there, real, trying to work through everything. So...think what you will...this is me today.

My mind is the devil's playground as of late. I have lots of images running through my head. I am a very visual person, and Therapist has asked me to paint these, but the thought of making them THAT real is terrifying to me...so I will write about them.

1. I have the ability to "turn of the light" and "walk into the next room" leaving a person that hurt me in a dark place in my mind that I will not return to. I recently turned the light off on the Long Lost Valentine. He made me feel unimportant. My head - looks like a maze of dark and light red brick rooms. No ceilings, no windows, just the doors that I enter and leave through. The hardest part, I see more dark rooms than light. I have done this with my father, my best friend from High School, my ex-husband, ex-boyfriends, and have threatened to do it with my mother. One might think that I have the ability to hold a grudge...nope, that is not it. These people don't exist to me anymore. I seldomly think of them.

2. In the movie, "When a Man Loves a Woman", the wife is a struggling alcoholic...there is a scene where she is fighting, kicking and screaming, hitting her husband, and he just holds her. Despite her flailing limbs, he won't let go. This is what I feel like with God. I continue to fight. I kick, I scream, and he just holds me. Sometimes I feel Him, sometimes I don't. Today...nothing.

3. The sheep. The lost sheep tangled in barbed wire, writhing in pain. The sheep is black and it is the darkest of night. I see the blood.

I know that I need to lie down and wait, stop fighting. It is very hard to do when you see what is going through my head....the monster that is anxiety and satan is dark...I see him as a black image that crosses the path in my mind in the distance...stalking, waiting.

So there you have it...my darkness. Please pray for me.

Get Back Up

2006-04-04T07:07:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was hard. I was sad, defeated, lost, etc. I talked to one of my friends yesterday. She quickly reminded me that I have better days when I go to church on Sunday, and when I go walking in the evening...she is so right. We walked last night. I feel better today, not fabulous, but better.

I got up this morning and prepared to do my Bible study...still no progress. I hopped on my trusty computer and started reading the daily devotion e-mails that I subscribe to. Better still. My mind is still reeling, but what I have learned in the past - garbage in, garbage out. I am very aware of the thoughts this morning and what they are focusing on. It is God, asking for forgiveness, getting back up. The songs that are running through my head this morning are cold comfort, but are far from garbage. I hear the words "I am a flower quickly fading , here today and gone tomorrow." and "Get back up, get back up." These may seem bleak to you, but they are parts of very sweet Christian songs. I have quit listening to regular radio. I listen to Christian radio and CD's...it is amazing how it sticks in my head. Thinking about this reminds me of a very sweet woman. Her name was Hettie Lou, and she ran the church camp that I attended every summer as a child. She was talking to us one day and said..."don't tell me that the music you listen to doesn't affect what you think...I hear you over there singing the lyrics..." Garbage in, garbage out.

Thanks Hettie Lou...wherever you are.

LBY Stuff

2006-04-03T07:48:00.001-05:00

Well, we all know that I am an expert in the art of procrastination. Bible study is no different. I have to admit to you all that I have done exactly one and a half days of study. It's ok though, I am not so far behind that I cannot catch up...that is what I plan to do this evening.

To share what I have learned:
1. Women are inherently influential beings. How we use our influence depends on the kind of person that we are. Being in a sales position - I TOTALLY get this. I do not like the term salesman...it has an awful connotation in my mind. So, I prefer to call myself an educator. I have more knowledge of what I am selling than my consumer. So, I tell them exactly what they are looking at...good, bad, or ugly. As long as they know exactly what they are purchasing, I do not have to think that they are making an uneducated decision. Influence for good.

2. I DON'T UNDERSTAND - most of the things that the study is telling me. I do Bible studies to study the Bible...to learn things that I might have learned as a child, had my family been involved in a church. I have two Bibles that I use to study with. One might as well be written in Russian, the other doesn't have verses...only chapters. I am having a hard time understanding the point of everything. This is very dificult for me to admit as I am an educated adult, with understanding of LOTS of stuff....why can't I get this stuff. I feel like I need to join a Sunday School class - with Preschoolers. If anyone knows of something that can help with this "affliction" please let me know. I do not think my hiney would fit in those little chairs...even if the church would let me.

Ok, hitting the showers...Have a FABULOUS Monday!

LBY Stuff

2006-04-03T07:48:00.000-05:00

Okie Dokie Artichokie

2006-03-31T07:12:00.000-06:00

Therapy...again...am I really paying her to tell me these things? Yes, I am. I am trying to figure out who I am. To weed through all the stuff an figure out why I act certain ways, change some of those ways, and see the REAL me. I have lived as a masked crusader for so long, that trying to see what makes ME happy is somewhat difficult.

Some of the words used in the hour long session yesterday:
Co-Dependence (given)
Obsessive Behavior (understood)
Passive Aggressive (the new one)
Smart Aleck (check)
Lost (got it)
God (know Him, but where is He?)
Faith (hmmm...heard it before...do I have it?)

Those are some BIG words...and to all be used in an hour, you can imagine the look on my face as I drove home.

The encouraging things that we talked about...the stuff that I am doing "right"? Well, I am aware of these things...moreso than I was even a month ago. I am not motivated by money...you can't take it with you. I would rather a pat on the back. I like to know that I am valued, and that I am doing a good job. I like to know that I am doing what is right, by all parties involved. That I have done everything in my power to preserve the rule of "do unto others as you would have them do unto you".

The point...there is something that He has planned for me. I feel like it is coming soon...to a blog near you. Therapist reassures me that there is something that He has planned for me that is AMAZING. I feel like I know what it is...there is a business proposition/plan in the works by a former vendor of mine whose view of doing what is right is on target with mine. Things that I have felt were an emergency to have happen in my life are dissipating. (marriage, kids, house...etc.) I am becoming very comfortable with my position in life...because of this business proposition. I cannot divulge the intricacies of the plan, BUT...there is a 75% chance that I will get a phone call in June asking me to quit my job and come be a part of something great...I will know more in late April, but the outlook is VERY good.

Bubba, Auntie and Uncle M's...I would like to arrange a meeting with the involved parties...I trust your business sense...and I know that she and I would REALLY appreciate some "free" advice...the least I could do is buy you a nice dinner. (Maybe I should have sent you an e-mail instead...oh well...too lazy to delete)

Ok, signing off for today. Good Luck and God Bless.

Clean Room, Clear Mind

2006-03-29T07:23:00.000-06:00

The only person who will truly understand how cluttered my room can get is my brother...he will get a kick out of this.

I have been trying, as hard as I can to do my new Bible study...today, I finally made it through Day 1. I get up every morning, fix my coffee, and start my reading. I make it about two sentences in before my mind takes off. Once this happens...forget it...no more reading. Well, my room has been PILED full of clothes...to the point that I fell over them getting up yesterday....pretty sad, I know. Therapist has been telling me that I need to sort the clutter...in my mind...in order to be able to think more clearly. Well, I have been trying to do that...very hard to do. I cleaned my room last night...totally clean...and was able to focus this morning. Coincidence, I think not. See, I live in a black and white world...all or nothing. If my room is cluttered, it is VERY cluttered. The same is true in my head. What I have learned is that I need to keep the world around me free from clutter to help keep the anxiety monster at bay. This being said...the pile of papers on my desk will be addressed today, the filing and mail sorting will be done tonight, and tomorrow...I will be able to complete another day of Bible study.

With regards to how this all affects the anxiety monster and my work? I went to work yesterday...I thought I was prepared to deal with the day....ended up ARGUING, almost to the point of yelling, with my manager...BAD IDEA. I apologized, and I am very thankful that she is a forgiving woman of God who has had her own struggles with anxiety. She understands that sometimes, I am not just myself.

On another note...I have a quote to share...Bubba, this is for you!
"Get busy livin', or get busy dyin'."

One Newspaper, 8 Blogs, and Half a Pot of Coffee

2006-03-26T09:33:00.000-06:00

Sundays...we all know these are difficult for me. Well, after a balloon popping Saturday, I am having a quiet Sunday. Quiet...in my mind, not the world around me. Skipping church today...just needed some time to myself...alone...with Him.

Why did the balloon pop? Well, anticipation filled it up, anxiety/obsession pissed it off, and (drumroll please) God intervened. He didn't pop my balloon, but He showed me a very valuable lesson about obsession. I had been waiting all week for a dear friend to come visit. Worldly circumstance made it impossible, and I got angry, and hurt. Obsession took over, and I am pretty sure that it pissed off my friend, and that is why the visit didn't happen...or did it? I am not sure, (that is the obsession, self-deprecating, blaming part of my anxious mind). I then started down the dangerous road of self-destruction...cause that is the pattern I tend to repeat, and here He came. He put up the road blocks...no one wanted to self-destruct with me....THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!! It hurt last night, but I woke up this morning with a clearer view of yesterday's occurrences. Pretty cool...at least for me.

Then back to this morning. I LOVE my friends. They are the family that I choose. I love my family too, don't get me wrong. Reading blogs this morning, I am reminded of the fact that I AM NOT ALONE...there are LOTS of people struggling to "HEAR" Him. I knew this, but misery loves company, right? I am praying for my friends, and for myself. I pray that He intervenes, when He is ready, and that we can lie down, tangled in the barbed wire, hold each other's hands, and be quiet enough to hear Him. Christian fellowship CAN be found on the internet...in a world of strangers.

Broken, Praying, and Quiet....I love you!!!

Need vs. Want

2006-03-24T06:36:00.000-06:00

Have you ever explored the difference between need and want? It is easier when you think about worldly possessions, but when you are deciphering the deeper issues in your life, the difference between the two is not so discernible.

I often say that I need to be needed. Well, in actuality, it is that I need to be wanted. I don't want to be wanted, but I need to be wanted. The ultimate goal is to want to be wanted. Casting Crowns...again...has a song that says...How refreshing to know you don't need me, How amazing to find that you want me. See the difference?

Now, in terms of my life...I AM NEEDY!!! I am trying to decipher between need and want with my relationships on earth and in heaven. It is VERY difficult to see the difference...especially when broken people attract other broken people...and the only people that I hang out with are as broken as I am. When someone calls you and says "I need you", my response is to drop everything and be at their beckon call. When they say "I want you", my response is to run...I equate want with smothering...AHHH what a whirlwind cycle.

Therapy yesterday...HATE therapy in the middle of the day. I felt like I outstretched my arms, hands properly facing the world...and said...Hang on...I gotta go to therapy. Trying to pause the world to work on myself...not fun. Did the world outside stop while I was in there...nope, sure didn't. So, we are back to weekly appointments...in the evening...oh thank you to said therapist for understanding! Ok, back to the point. Man, she hit me like a ton of bricks..again...she is so good at that..and yet, I keep going, and paying her to do it...that is truly screwed up...oh well...

Let's try again...(do you see how the anxious mind can take over...it is like ADD...but only in your head.) We talked about my two closest male friends in this world. (There, back on track) She was very quick to point out that if either of them were interested in anything progressing forward, they would have done so by now...AHHHHHH...did she really have to say that...there goes the balloon...shooting around the room...losing it's air. She also pointed out that I am hanging onto unreasonable things...reading too much into statements that have double meanings...and I take them the wrong way. Aaaaannnnndddd...full cirlce....to give an example of this....and these are her words...not necessarily something I have experienced.....when a man says "I want you"...out loud...it usually has a sexual connotation...women have a tendency to equate this to some sort of love...but it has NOTHING to do with love. It is just sex. When a man says "I need you" it is like a child needs a mother. Now, I am smart enough to know that these statements are not ALWAYS true to that, but I am closer to understanding the difference. So, my two closest male friends are just that...friends. They both tell me they love me...which screws with my head, but I know that it is because they care about my well being...and they want me to be happy...just as I do for them. What does this all prove??? The movie When Harry Met Sally is TOTALLY wrong...men and women CAN be friends...ok, I have to run, I have started the fire on the porch...off to burn my copy of When Harry Met Sally....

Have a good day! Oh..and I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

Why I LOVE blogs

2006-03-22T07:28:00.000-06:00

I have been having a pretty good week. Nothing too exciting. Working two jobs, occupying my mind with my obsessions, thinking of my conflicted mother...you know the drill. Well, this morning, I work up and began my morning "quiet time" ritual. I am reading the New Testament. It was a toughy today. Made me feel VERY bad for the life that I am living...or at least the one that is in my head.

After Sunday's church service, I have been thinking a lot about repentance. In order to be forgiven, we must apologize. We must ask for forgiveness. If we wonder if we are forgiven, does that mean we aren't? (lie down, quit struggling)

Well, post bible time every morning, I have blog time. I read others people's posts..you know, like catching up with my friends. I often stop by one called My Quiet Corner. (http://momrn2.blogspot.com/) Bam...she got hit with a 2x4. I know oh so well what that feels like.

Kinda cool how a stranger can help us to remember what we already know.

Thanks, to my favorite momrn2!

Oh, and on another note...sorry for being the "lurker"...sometimes it is nice to be a quiet observer.

Notes

2006-03-18T07:01:00.000-06:00

I am putting these on here for me...not you. I re-read my blog often...more often then I re-read my notes from therapy...so, read if you want, or don't. This is for me.

Lie Down and wait. Lie down and wait. Don’t struggle with the fence, just lie down and wait. God’s hand will rescue you. Lie down and wait. He is your father, and he loves you deeply, lie down and wait for Him. Lie down and wait.
Don’t fight, give up, give up to Him, lie down and wait. Lie down and wait. Give up, give up the fight. Lie down and wait. Visualize yourself wrapped in barbed wire, SUBMIT. Lie down and wait. Don’t just say what you think they need /want to hear. Lie down and wait.
Pictures to remember,: the sheep in the fence. The light and warmth of His presence.
The anxiety will fight the fence. Lie down and wait. The whole world doesn’t need to know. The only one who needs to hear is Him. Lie down and wait. YIELD, SUBMIT. WAIT for Him. Lie down and wait. Let the thoughts go, don’t listen to them. Lie down and wait. The calm will come. Lie down and wait.

Found on Yahoo Personals...sent to me from Tim
Author Unknown:
What makes you think that just because I am an Attractive woman of
Godly intelligence
That I'm incomplete without a mate?
Who told you that
Without a man Something's missing
From my life?
And if so,
What would that be?
Love?
I love myself
And more importantly
I love the Lord
He told me that when I delight in Him,
He will give me the desires of my heart
Security?
I have everything I need according to His riches in glory.
Intimacy?
Now, how's a man going to get to know me
When he doesn't even know who he is in the Lord
See my Father told me I'm above a ruby's worth
And a gem does not seek
It is sought
I'm single and that's all right with me
See,it's not that I oppose relationships
It's that I detest co-dependency
As a woman I know it is not my role
To chase after any man
Esther 2:14reads That I am to wait on my king and when he's delighted
in me.
He will call me by my name.
My Lord does not intend for me to be needy or desperate.
I am to be Cherished, Relished, Valued, and Honored,
It's not my job to convince him
Or Convict him of that,
My mate will already know it
And consistently show it
And he will stay on his knees daily
Not just to adore me
But to praise the Lord for
The virtuous woman he has found
So, when you see me by myself
I'm not alone
I know what I have coming to me
I'm single and saved, and right now that's all I need to be. God bless.

I don't agree with the whole poem, but it is not mine, but it is nice to "hear".

Obsessing? Me?

2006-03-17T06:49:00.000-06:00

I am not ignoring you. I promise. I have had a rough week filled with anxiety. I went to therapy on Monday. I have been demoted...back to weekly appointments. I am struggling too much with my anxiety and obsessions. Obsessions? That is a new one...I don't like that word. Yep, obsessions. She dropped the bomb. I have always thought that I had an addictive personality...good thing I didn't do any "real" drugs in college...well this addictive personality is better defined as obsessive. AHHHHHH...anxiety reeling.

Why do I obsess? I am not sure. What do I obsess about? EVERYTHING! I obsess about my weight, my living situation, my career, my love life...or lack thereof. I have referred to myself as being "boy crazy". Well...guess what...I'm obsessive.

I have a new toy. It is a black rubber band that I wear around my wrist. Everytime I obsess about something, I am to "pop" my wrist. IT HURTS! My wrist is swollen, and red. I am seeing how much I let my thoughts carry me away in the wrong directions though. For those of you that are into the whole psychiatry thing...this is a tool derived from the Pavlov's dogs' experiments. Yeah, I am now an experiment. It helps...but it still hurts.

And now, for the rest of the story....the beginning of the "Chronicles of Momia".

She stopped by my work on Wednesday. She brought me my mail. I haven't seen her in a few weeks...by choice...which she quickly pointed out. I explained to her that I am "hiding"...from everyone. As we talked, I really listened to her...something I don't often do. I remembered something from therapy that caught my attention. MY MOM IS OBSESSIVE/COMPULSIVE...so, I come by this honestly...not sure if it is a genetic thing, but ya know. I went over to her house on Thursday...was in that part of town and had some time to waste...she wasn't home...I wouldn't have stopped had she been there. I logged onto her computer...and I know, this is nosy, but I looked in her sent items. I started reading them. The first thing that I noticed is that almost all of her sent items had been re-read. She obsesses. One thing that I found out, she is plotting to take early retirement and receive short and long term disability...for an injury that I am sure is a product of her imagination...I am disappointed.

All women struggle not to be like their mothers in one way or another. I wrestle with this every day. Wait, no, I obsess about this every day. So, how do you change? You name your issues. Call them what they are.....not boy crazy...obsessive. Name the demons....anxiety. Understand your thoughts so that you can weed through the ones that are products of society or your demons. For example...the man that sits in church and has an unholy thought about the woman in the next row...he is not a bad person for having this thought...unless he obsesses about it....if he disregards it as the demons running through his mind, lets it go, then he will be ok. It is just a thought...nothing else. It doesn't mean that he wants to cheat on his wife or anything else, it doesn't make him a bad person....if he lets it go.

Since I am taking life one second at a time....I will let this too...go.

"Sacred Season"

2006-03-13T06:33:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was a tough one. For some reason, Sundays always are for me.

At church, I started crying, I don't remember the song, and I don't even remember the words that tripped me, but it got me. I was talking to my friend before the service about my dilemma with accepting God as a father, and how I don't understand it, and my impatience for Him to work in my life in regards to dating and my career. When I started crying, I asked her to pass me back the sign in book. I checked the box next to my name that said I want to speak with a minister.

After church, still reeling from anxiety...which is worse on Sundays...I cleaned my room, detailed my car, and ate lunch...it was only 1 p.m. I had the whole rest of the day, to occupy. I have to occupy my time or I will sink into a depression that leads to an anxiety attack on Monday...at least that is my past experience. So, I decided to "get lost". I put the top down on my car, turned up my favorite CD, and DROVE. I drove to the middle of nowhere, singing at the top of my lungs, and focusing my attentions on Him. After two hours, I was so lost that I didn't know where to go next. I eventually found my way home...

What have I learned in the last 24 hours? Church was about Mark Chapter 8. God puts us through "seasons" of life. We are to submit (yield) to His will. I am in a difficult season in my life. My patience is countered by my anxiety and my attention hunger. There is a constant battle in my head. (When I am congested, it is actually worse, it feels like the two sides to my psyche are arguing, and they can't get out...I hate sinus problems.)

I have figured out that I have tried to put a time limit on my season...you can't do that. I have been thinking all along that I would get myself out of this at Easter. Well, I know that this season that I am in is not my control...I have to submit to Him. Then, and ONLY then, will the seasons change.

As we embark on Spring, take a look at the seasons of your life.

On a side note, you can't change people, you can't "fix" them, you can't rescue them. That is His right. I think I just needed to put that in writing.

Facing the Truth

2006-03-10T12:26:00.000-06:00

Well, one of the reasons I wanted to start this blog was to deal with issues in my life. For those of you that know me, there are two things that I haven't written about all that much. It is time I started dealing with them.

I seek the attentions and affections of men...in case you haven't figured that out. I also am drawn to the types of men that I think can "take care of me". Well, the ones that I look to take care of me are always older, and in my opinion, more mature than I ever want to be. This is going to sound like a true therapy statement, but the reasons I look to older men is that they can fill a void in my heart...the one left by my father. He wasn't all that involved in my life, and when he was my memories are scarred by embarrassment and rejection. I do not recall much of my childhood. There are snippits of memories, but I do not recall feelings, even when I look at pictures. I never thought my dad liked me very much. I don't speak to him, and I don't care if I ever do again.

Why is this so pertinent to what I am going through? Well, God loves us like his children. I am very unsure of what that means. I do not have children, so I don't understand how He could love me like one. My parents are both so immature, that I feel as if I was their emotional parent...more so with my mom than with my dad, but you get the idea. Due to this, I constantly seek a worldly answer to my void. PERFECT EXAMPLE - I met a friend last night - someone who I have always thought of as an older advisor type role. I know him through work, he used to be a client, and has helped me in my career. I NEVER thought that there might be ANYTHING more than that. Well, we sat and talked and had a great time, and then he walked me to my car...and kissed me....I was SOOOOOOOOO FREAKED OUT!!! I had thought that he was like an adopted fatherly role...and I have never sent him any indications differently, but I guess we all have blinders on when we want something. So, does this add to the conflict? Yes, and I am hurt...again. The thing is, this does not just happen with older men, I do the same thing with men that I am actually interested in...that aren't old enough to be my father.

So you see, my dilemma. I want so desperately to be rescued of sorts, to have someone to "take care of me", but I do not understand how God loves me. I know that He does, but I just don't get it. I do not have a frame of reference of how He could love me as his child. Why do I seek a worldly frame of reference, why can't I just accept His love, and trust His will?

This is going to be MY year. I am going to straighten out MY life...not try to help anyone but me. Selfish, I know, but I am going to continue to not date, or to seek worldly attentions, I am going to struggle, and this is the longest sentence ever, but I HAVE to understand God and be accepting of His love and plan before I go any furthur down the spiral that is my life.

Coming soon, the Cronicles of Momia....oh, that shoud be a fun one..or four.

Thank you for your continued prayers. And if you know of ANYONE that might have some advice, or has been in a similar position, please let me know. Love you!

Just don't have a title today

2006-03-09T07:32:00.000-06:00

Well, it is official, I have become a full-fledged resident of the blogging world. I LOVE it! I wish I could physically move to a fictitious town in my mind named Blogs for God, USA.

I don't have much to post today...I missed therapy last night...TOTALLY forgot....this is what happens when the schedule is changed on a creature of habit...

I do have one thing to add today. I was talking to my long lost valentine last night. (I am going to have to give him a name...llv is just too long to type) Anyway, he is so conflicted. He is conflicted about his divorce, about his life, about his choices, about the difference between scientific proof vs. God...I tried to "minister" to him...since I am a broken messenger, it was difficult to relay what I am going through...I don't think he heard me. Please pray for him.

Oh, and I know you are out there...reading my blog...I have the site meter now....LEAVE A COMMENT!!! Don't you see the address to this blog..."DOES ANYBODY HEAR HER"?????? You can remain anonymous...just let me know you are out there...please. I am begging now...pretty please....it would really bring me great joy to know that God's party in my "boat with many holes" is not a party of one.

Restless Faith

2006-03-08T06:55:00.000-06:00

Did you notice my absence yesterday? Well, I have actually been absent since Saturday. Everytime I slide away from God, I start to feel all of my old feelings coming back. I know what I am to do to get back, yet I still slide. I think that we all face challenges, and our reactions to those affects us very deeply. Being a black and white person, I can now see the ramifications of my actions and thoughts much more quickly. I slid. I wanted to fill a void in my life this past weekend, and I looked to worldly pleasures to do it. A song that I LOVE says...I went and made the world my friend and it left me high and dry. Daddy here I am.

So...today, I woke up, and my mind was racing...as usual...to so many different things. I was obsessing about a boy, I was obsessing about work..and pretty much everything else. I forced myself out of bed and came down to do my bible study...well, I did half of it before it had given me so much to think about that I had to just marinate for awhile...that is what I am doing now...marinating.

In the 15 minutes that I was studying, this is what I learned.

"Hard times come, either derailing us from the mission or making us stronger and more committed to following through with what God asks of us."

"The greatest challenge of all might be getting used to the fact that His assignments are different than the plans we had for ourselves."

"Basically, Jacob's desires were for the things of God--he wanted spiritual blessing. God knew this, and He worked to bring out the best in Jacob, even though Jacob often ran ahead and used carnal methods to attain spiritual blessing. "

All of this being said...I had forgotten why I gave up dating for Lent. I remember now. I have a restless faith. I pray that I can learn to have "rest" in Him and find peace in His will.

"Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart" (Ps. 37:4).

El Presidente to 4-Wheelin

2006-03-06T11:08:00.000-06:00

Ok, well, I didn't think I was going to post this, but it is too funny not to share. I went to an all girl party on Saturday night...lots of fun, but disastrous to my efforts to not drink...we all slip every once in awhile...merely a speed bump right...well, please don't judge me for this...see the humor in it all.

Well, anytime you get that many girls together - there were 15 of us - you are eventually going to go out looking for men...right? Well, after we finished off the wine...we headed out on the town...first stop - piano bar. I had enough to drink, so I let someone else drive my car....something I would NEVER do! We parked, and walked to the bar. Upon entering, I noticed several guys in tuxes...post wedding party. Well, as I looked closer, they were all friends of mine from High School...it is such a small world...I talked and listened, and drank entirely too much...but still managed to maintain my Scarlett O'Hara charm. Well, they turned the lights on in the bar...that is my cue that it is time to go...and one of my dear friends left with me to insure that I was safe...well, since I hadn't driven...I HAD NO IDEA WHERE MY CAR WAS!!!! Oh this was very bad...long story short, I ended up staying at the Peabody Hotel...in the PRESIDENTIAL SUITE...for the price of a regular room!!!!!! Glad I did to...I know better than that...but THE PRESIDENTIAL SUITE!!!!!

On to Sunday..woke up...took a shower in one of the three bathrooms..and laid around until checkout time...still not knowing where my car was..I made some phone calls, and a friend came to pick me up...she found out where my car was ...and rescued me from walking aimlessly through downtown trying to find my car. Well, I felt the need to share my story with someone, so I called my long lost valentine, and I think he might have wet himself laughing at me. We ended up at his dad's house riding the four wheeler....something I have NEVER done...it was SOOOOOOOOO cool...and to add to the irony...you can imagine how cute I look by this time...no makeup, and clearly damaged from the festivities of the previous night...we were riding through a VERY exclusive part of town...I had on my sorority letters, a hat, and was riding the back of a 4 wheeler...was I really the same person who woke up in the Presidential Suite at the Peabody that same morning???

Well, it was a FUN weekend...no regrets, I made the choices....and believe me and my migrain, I am still paying for them. We all slip sometimes...merely a speedbump in my quest....

The Party

2006-03-04T07:04:00.000-06:00

Have you ever been to a party and tried to do everything that you could to help the host or hostess? Well, my bible study today made a GREAT reference to this.

Our "callings" are referenced as invitations..to His party. We are invited guests...not host assistants. We are invited to share in His party...with NO obligation to clean the kitchen, or refill the cheese tray. We are not being selfish by sitting and enjoying the company of His guests...it is what He wants. (I always wondered why He is called the Host of Hosts)

Consequently, my study also talked about what are role as His ambassadors is. (Hope that is not incorrect grammar...oh well.) A thought popped into my head about why I am truly sharing all of this with you in my blog...I have always thought that it was purely selfish of me...just getting things off my chest. I have been using this as an exercise for therapy. I am trying to wrap my mind around the concept that we are not to do things of this such for personal gain. Wow, this is difficult. We are to minister to others, as ambassadors of His. I pray that I am led to know that I am not being an ambassador of Melissa, but of God.

And...full circle...I wrote several days ago about riding the wave of anxiety back to the shore...my study today also referenced a wave...WEIRD! "Stop riding your own dreams....ride the tide of My plan for you."

Today...I am dawning my party hat and my wet suit. Enjoy the festivities, and ride His wave.

Starving

2006-03-03T07:22:00.000-06:00

This morning, I finished my bible study series on Hunger. Today, it was Hungry for His Power. I prayed this morning that I could be STARVING, for His Power, His presence, His word, His peace, and His direction.

I also realized something...I have always had a hard time understanding the bible. Today, something clicked. It spoke to me. I have 5 more lessons in my study...that has gone on for quite some time. I look forward to finishing it, and then to begin reading...I mean REALLY reading the Bible.

I plan on spending the remainder of Lent in reflection, and contemplation. I want to LEARN about God, understand His teachings and apply them to my life.

Giving up dating has already proven to be difficult. I am having a hard time deciphering between what I can and cannot do...can I talk to the boys that I have been seeing? Can I hang out with them? Last night, I avoided all contact. I will pray for His direction with this.

The funny part in all of this? There are several people in my life that do not understand. It is not necessarily that that they aren't Christians. One person told me not to put all my eggs in one basket (funny because I remember my brother saying this to me regarding financial investments). Another told me that he hopes that I find what I am looking for. Another told me that although she doesn't feel the way that I do as far as the hunger issue, but she can see that I clearly need something. I am having a hard time trying not to "convert" those around me. I will pray for direction with this as well.

The song in my head...very mundane, and boring, but it is the chorus to a song...all I can hear is Hold me, come on now, Hold me.

I also have a visual picture that is in my head while I pray...I think it is pretty cool, and hope that it clears so that I might be able to replicate it in a painting...it is a static-filled (like when your t.v. doesn't get reception) of my arms spread open...and I see Jesus (with the face from a picture that hung in my paternal grandmother's den) with His arms open. It is still very fuzzy, but it keeps appearing when I pray. Pretty cool.

Day 1 - The Whisper

2006-03-02T06:59:00.000-06:00

Well, I have done it. I went to church last night, and have given up dating for lent. Not just dating, or hanging out with my guy friends, but more given up my thoughts about dating. It has consumed me for so long that it was making me crazy. I have hurt some that I probably shouldn't have. I have paid attention to some that I know that I shouldn't have. So, for lent, I am giving it up. I learned a lot about the purpose of lent last night.

Jesus retreated into the wilderness for forty days to prepare for his ministry. He fasted, and it was a time of contemplation, reflection, and preparation. It is a solem time for me. During the sermon last night, I really listened. I wanted to make sure that by giving up dating, that I was hearing His voice. They said many things that reassured my decision. The purpose, in my own words, is to die to sin. Everytime the thought of something that we normally think about or do enters our mind, we are to surrender it. To die to it. We are to redirect our thought time that we would normally devote to this "sin" or guilty pleasure to God. To realize that we are being selfish when we let things that are worldly consume our minds and hearts. I confess that it has already been difficult for me. I know that it will only get harder, and that I might not succeed in this quest, but I am forgiven, and I know that I can get back up and look to Him. I am VERY excited about this. There are people in my life that are doubting my success with this, and that doesn't bother me. This is not a decision for anyone else, it is for Him. I have spent more time in the last 24 hours thinking about God than I have in the last two weeks. How amazing!

My mind, as usual, is racing today. I have another song running through my head. This is strange because I know that I have not heard this song for several days...pretty cool how God puts thoughts into our heads to let us know that He is in control. Today, it is another Casting Crowns song...or phrase from one of their songs.

But as the thunder rolls, I barely hear your whisper through the rain. "I'm, with you." And as your mercy calls, I pray the God that gives, and takes away.

I am not sure that those are the exact words of the song, but it is what I hear. Today, I hear the whisper.

40 Days and 40 Nights

2006-03-01T06:51:00.000-06:00

This will be a bit of a strange post. I am worn out. I am tired, I need rest. I need rest in Him. In my bible study today, it discussed seeking His presence. There were some great passages that went along with this. Definitely some things to ponder.

"God desires followers desperate for His presence: people who don't necessarily want his blessings, but want Him!"

"God shares our affliction, and we find our rescue in His Presence. If we will go to Him, He will give us rest. Only the lord can satisfy."

Today is Ash Wednesday. Although my lack of knowledge of this Holiday leaves me ignorant as to the true meaning, I do understand a little. I understand that we are to sacrifice something in His honor. I do not know my true motivation for this, but I am giving up dating for Lent. All dating. No new dates, no old dates, no touching, no nothing. I know that I will struggle, but I want to do this. I want to focus my attentions to Him, to thirst for Him. I am broken, and I feel like my free will is destroying me. A large part of this is my constant obsessions to have the attention and affections of men. So...tonight at church...I give it up. My blog might get incredibly boring over the next while....deal with it.

(If any of you have seen the movie 40 Days and 40 Nights....this is similar...but probably not nearly as funny.)

There is a song that has been running through my head for the last few days. I hear it when I wake, I hear it all day long, it is on repeat in my head. I can honestly say that I feel like the words are being piped into my mind for a reason.

I lift my eyes unto the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, maker of Heaven and Earth.

It is from Casting Crowns...not sure which song.

On a totally different note, I mistyped the word some....it came out so me. Hmmmmm might be analyzing that in a future post. Some...give some to God....so me.

Safe Place

2006-02-28T07:08:00.000-06:00

Below is a very sporadically written passage. It is my notes from therapy...yes, I take my computer to therapy...I know BIG DORK.

Reader's Digest Version: I have to look to myself to be my safe place. I have to rescue myself. All the while leaning on God to guide me as to what His will is.

When a negative comes up, it hooks me. Vague sense of being punished…if you could figure out what you have done wrong you could fix it…co dependence…much like your dad on your birthday. When you can’t feel him, you rely on what you know. You are lying to yourself that you are alone….he promises you joy, Are you sick of the dating? Are you boxing up what is on the inside because it hurts…..not knowing what you feel is feeding the anxiety, are you being honest, you are fighting the attachment and the attention hunger, in order to manage the anxiety, you have to be truly honest with your feelings. Learning how to trust Him when you can’t feel him. Learning how to stay and grow your roots deep…wait for the doors to open. Learning how to trust Him when you can’t see his hand…training yourself with self talk….no more stinking thinking. Identify thought processes…try not to be impulsive…which undermines your self esteem…KNOW YOURSELF…don’t let the anxiety make your decisions….are there patterns that I keep repeating…wisdom is learning from past mistakes….don’t make this a way of life. Who is my safe person? Nail your identity down with God, make him your first defense, stabilizing factor….unspoken fear…what is my guarantee that they will stay? God will, it takes awhile to feel that constant presence….sometimes you don’t feel him….see the anxiety like surfing…ride the wave back into shore….don’t listen to the brain noise…anxiety is so close to fear. Don’t Be Afraid, I will never leave you ever, I see you…Love God. You are God, and I am not.
Be observant of what calms the anxiety…bath, music, candles…be aware of your feelings…if you aren’t feeling anxious, what are you feeling…WRITE ABOUT IT. Need a healthy coping pattern….
On my way home, list all of the things that you are thankful for.

In case you cannot tell...my therapist is a very strong Christian...not just in words, but in practice. She often pauses to think...she is praying that God will give her the words to help me.

I don't know that I necessarily feel any better today, but I do have some useful tools to combat what I am feeling. I know how to give my mind a "break" in the middle of the rollercoaster of thought.

Oh....and my next venture....if I don't start exercising...these episodes will get worse...and I hate exercising...dag nabit.

The WRONG Path

2006-02-27T16:28:00.000-06:00

I am having a REALLY hard day today...despite my efforts to run to God. My anxiety has been so active for the last three days that I have been medicating...well, today I just couldn't face the world. I went to work, for only a minute, then left in tears that I couldn't hold back. I don't understand what is going on in my life. I fell SOOO lost, so lonely, so unhappy, so less than. I am meeting my therapist for an emergency session. I had hope I wouldn't have to do this...I have been doing so well...what hooked me? What am I doing wrong that my body is attacking itstef? Why is my mind so scattered that I cannot have a clear thought. I feel like I need to be in a padded room. I want someone to rescue me. I look to God, and today it feels like it is so distant. I just want someone to hold me, to tell me it will be ok. I am fighting every urge in my body to run to a trusted friend in hopes of being held. have I done something so drasticaly wrong that I am being punished in this life? I don't recall killing anyone, or anything that bad, what have I done to deserve this?? Is this supposed to scare me back to God???

I feel like I have chosen the wrong path in my life on so many levels...and it all comes back to simple decisions I have made in my past. The job thing...well, I was told today that I need to seek entry level employment elsewhere...because I can not show my experience. It is a double edged sword...I cannot afford to go back to entry level...financially, emotionally...I hate this. I want to sart over. I want to run. I want to run away where no one knows me. I want to cry.

Hunger Part Two

2006-02-27T07:00:00.000-06:00

You will notice a theme over the next few days...if I am doing my bible study.

Yesterday, I spent a lot of time alone. I cleaned my room, cleaned out my closet, and was just ALONE for most of the day. By about four o'clock, I was tired of being alone. I made several phone calls to see if I could go do something fun with someone else. As usual, no response. As I lay in bed last night, I was making a futile attempt to pray. In my mind I was screaming. Help me, hold me. I realized that I had wasted some very valuable time yesterday being hungry for the wrong things. I was having attention hunger, attachment hunger. My anxiety has been getting the best of me lately. I could have spent the day with God. I could have been talking to Him while I was cleaning. Then I wouldn't have been alone. I wouldn't have had my worldly hungers. I have learned through therapy that identifying the problem or wrongdoing is half the battle....lesson learned. I don't want to go to bed screaming anymore. I want to know the calm that only He can bring me. I don't want to seek the attention of others to fulfill that hunger, I want Him to fulfill it. I can honestly say, today, that I know that there is a reason I am not in a romantic relationship with anyone....I am being taught a lesson...being forced to my knees to re-evaluate my hungers.

My bible study this morning was also about hunger....notice the theme??? It was about being hungry for His word. I have never really understood the bible. In my mind, it seems outdated, and I have a VERY difficult time relating it to my life, and understanding what it is saying. I have even gone as far as to read "The Message", which is a contemporary version...I still struggle. Today's lesson made a little sense. It explained that we should be hungry for His word. I have always thought that the bible should speak to me...about my life...and if you are living your life as Christ did, it does. In a sense, I guess I have always thought that the bible should be about me. What I have come to realize this morning is that it is...but not really. It is the biography of God and Jesus, and the world....if I am living my life as Christ lived His...then it would be about me. Since I am not, it doesn't feel that way. I am so very thankful that I have a clearer view of this. Am I hungrier for His word? I guess so...I am trying.

I am so very tired of screaming. I want so desperately to be heard...am I screaming in the wrong directions?

Can I be as hungry for Him as I have been for a sense of attachment and attention???

Hunger

2006-02-26T09:13:00.000-06:00

I have realized that my blog writing is very much like my relationship with God. When I am not writing, I am not praying. When I am not thinking about my blog, I am not thinking about God. So, when you notice my absence from the blogging world, you can pretty much rest assured that I am telling God to "talk to the hand". Although this is not what I want to admit, I have come to realize the reality of it.

Let's do a recap of my life since the 15th.

Romance - I have spent lots of time with my long lost valentine. It is a very strange relationship. We are both dealing with some of the same issues in our lives regarding work, relationships, anxiety, etc. The difference is that I have come just a little farther than he has at this point. We talk VERY openly about our lives. You could almost say that we are completely naked to each other, and there is a wonderful air of comfort with that. On another note though, I am COMPLETELY trusting God with this one. I don't know if we are to be romantically involved for the rest of our lives, or if we are just to be dear friends. Like I said, I am trusting God with that. The issue is...is he a divine gift, or a distraction from God's will?

Career - I am so bored with my job. I am not making the kind of money that I would like, I am not getting much satisfaction out of what I am doing. I struggle with my boss all of the time as I cannot make her "hear" me. I have an opportunity that has found me, and I am pursuing it whole heartedly, but with this too, I am trusting God. It is out of my hands at this point and I am trusting Him to direct me. The issue again....divine gift or distraction?

Religion - well, I went to bed last night VERY early...8 to be exact. I slept ALL night...for those of you that suffer from anxiety, you will know what a feat this truly is. My church partner will not be attending services with me, so I woke up and decided to spend some time with God. My bible study...that I was supposed to have completed almost a month ago, was wonderful this morning. It talked about being truly hungry for His will. The lesson spoke to me...as it always does (I wish I could remember that when I decide to tell God to "talk to the hand"). James Chapter 4 was the reading for today and I read the Message version. It was kind of like getting your hand slapped. It reminded me of what I REALLY need to be doing with my life. The author of the study is also a great inspiration. After reading today, I have taken a quote from her that I will write on my mirror to remind me every morning what my job is: "Your job is to be hungry enough to receive His direction."

Are you hungry enough?

OH MY GOSH!!!

2006-02-15T10:33:00.000-06:00

That is what keeps running through my head. I will try to tell you all about why without divulging anyone's identity...if you need names, e-mail me.

OH MY GOSH...ok, so I was sitting at home yesterday, not really doing anything...just enjoying my day off. I get an instant message from an old familiar name. I thought surely this can't be who I think it is. Memories of my first valentine(he was my preschool sweetheart), my first kiss(he was also my jr. high bo), and an amazing friend instantly ran through my mind at the speed of a freight train. It was HIM...

I won't go into any more detail, but I cancelled my Valentine's date...last minute...I know, I am HORRIBLE, but I hung out with my long lost first love and had the greatest time reminiscing.

The weirdest part....this is the SECOND time this has happened between us...I moved away in kindergarten, then came back in jr.high, and now this....

What a great Valentine's Day!!!

Ba Ba Black Sheep

2006-02-09T06:49:00.000-06:00

Here is Jesus' promise to you. "My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me. And I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; neither shall anyone snatch them out of My hand. My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of My Father's hand" (John 10:27-29).

I am not really sure why, but I have always considered myself to be a bit of a black sheep in my family. (and when I say family, I mean the grandchildren of my Grandmother) I guess it is because I am the only girl, the only divorced grandchild, the "reckless one". These are all MY thoughts. No one has ever given me any indication of this, but it is the role that I have put myself in. I insure that there are very few expectations of me with regards to my family. I tend to be present, emotionally and physically, only when it is convenient or necessary for me. I have also treated my Christian walk in the same way. There is ALWAYS something else to do, somewhere else to be. Maybe it goes back to my tendancy to run from the things that make me uncomfortable. I don't really know. The reason I tell you all of this is because I am reading a ten step process to "Get to know God" this morning. It is enlightening. What I found int he first two passages is that I KNOW that I am saved, and that God loves me. Much like I KNOW that my family loves me. The two entities love me no matter what I do, and I have taken advantage of that on many occasions. In this ten step process, the second step is to tell someone. Reader's Digest Version - share your news in hopes that they too might find God. Well, I also think that it is prudent to tell someone for an element of accountability. I have SO many wonderful, Christian influences in my life, that I feel like they do not need me to tell them the good news, but that in telling them about my good news, might be renewed in their own faith....and, selfishly, as usual, might add an air of accountability to my Chrisitanity.

I have a dear friend that I have been going to church with. She understands my motivations for doing things, and has been able to "make" me go to church with her. How does she do this? Well, she reminds me every week that we have a "date" on Sunday. She also uses her 18 month old son...who lights up when he sees me. She knows that I do not want to let her down, and that I love her son. This gets me to church every time, and once there, I am quickly reminded of the true reason that I am there. Would I go if she didn't do this to me? I am not sure, but at this point, anything to get me there is worth it. To my family and friends...I am admitting to you HOW TO GET MY ATTENTION...if you want my physical and emotional presence....make it so that I cannot run. I shouldn't be telling you this, because on many levels, it might seem like you are making me do something that you think I don't want to do...well, that is not the case. I love you all so much that I would stand in front of a speeding bus to save your lives. I have said once before that when given the option, I chose to be alone so that I don't have to put on my mask. Well, I am hanging up my mask. Packing it away, deep in the closet. Therapy is teaching me how to do this, and I am SOOOOOOO thankful...to God, for leading me in this direction. I used to make "no promises", now I make these: I promise to love you, I promise to be present, I promise to make whatever sacrifice necessary to be a part of your lives. Please help me to be accountable to God, and to you.

I love you.

The Blogging Mind

2006-02-08T06:42:00.000-06:00

For any of you that blog, I am sure you have the same thoughts about blogging that I do. I often think of blogs throughout the day or week that I would like to write about. Since this has become my "journal", I am no longer carrying one, so I do not write these down. This being said, I have had LOTS of thoughts in the last few days about things that I would like to write about....but I don't remember them all. This one is a combination of all of the ones that I can remember.
I have been doing a lot of thinking about where my therapy is going....I have graduated to every other week instead of every week....a very scary graduation, but good nonetheless. I believe that she has given me the tools to deal with the situations in my life that crop up...now I just have to put them in motion. I have decided to keep my normal therapy days to myself. If I don't go to therapy, I plan on spending that time for me. Talking to God, being alone, reflecting on how I am doing, etc.
I have also been thinking a lot about my dating situations, I have compromised some of the things that I was looking for in a mate in an effort to just get out there. I am taking stock of that again, and will be getting back to my original thoughts of "qualifications" again. Some of these things include, but are not limited to...no children from previous relationships (just can't go down that road again), belief in God (not willing to compromise on this), level of maturity and the ability to see the world as I do, and the list goes on...but these are the big ones.
Hmmm what else....
Oh...running....I have a tendancy to run, to turn my back when I don't like the situation...well, I have thought that my therapist is the only think keeping me where I am right now. My roomate also has the same tendancies....not a good combination, BUT we had a long conversation yesterday about the fact that neither of us are particularly happy (hers involves a marriage, mine does not). I went back to a previous entry (Divine Sunday) and read her about the children's sermon and the sheep. We talked about this for a very LONG time. We are two lost sheep, and instead of running to seek God, we must lay down and ask Him to find us. We must keep our eyes open, and have faith, but He will leave his flock to find the one lost sheep. I prayed that she could experience the same feeling that I get when I can FEEL God with me. I don't know if she did, and she might never admit it, but prayers are the best gift that anyone can give.

Prayer requests: my FAB roomie's happiness, my family and friends' well being, and whatever you can muster about my future. Things are very unsure right now, but I have faith that I am being led somewhere.

Active Imagination

2006-02-03T09:51:00.000-06:00

Sometimes therapy is great and it makes me feel better, sometimes it sends me on a whirlwind trip of sadness. Last night, I am not really sure what it did. I quickly pushed it aside so that I could hang out with some friends. Well, this morning, I am a little disturbed. We did an imagination exercise to see if my anxious mind is capable of relaxation. This will sound like hypnotherapy, but it wasn't. I listened to a CD that helped me to tap into my imagination, and to have a little vacation. The problem with this was, it was not a vacation. My imagination scared me. The CD instructed me to visualize myself walking down a set of stairs that had a large wooden door at the base. Check...no problem. Well, as I walked down the stairway, I got more and more relaxed...the door...open, no problem. As I crossed the threshold, I was supposed to see someone that I could ask a question of. I figured that I would see a God like figure or a trusted adviser. Quite the opposite. I was immersed in a red colored fog, alone. There was a distant dark figure that darted back and forth. This whole scenario was broken with "commercials" of children. Boys, girls, all races and ages. I do not remember anything after that, and my therapist had to "wake me up". I believe I was supposed to ascend the stairs again, but guess I just got lost somewhere along the way. I have never seen myself as a dark person, but am now questioning that. It was very scary. It is not something that I ever want to relive. I know that the issues of my imagination are something that I must work through, but it is easier to learn how to deal with the tangible, worldly issues...like parents, than it is to dive so far into your subconscious to bring this stuff up. Needless to say, I did not sleep well last night, and do not feel well this morning. I feel as thought I am on the verge of an anxiety attack at any moment...and my medication is at home. Neat-o. Well, that is all I really want to write about today. If any of you have thoughts, words of wisdom, or encouragement...I WELCOME them...I am having a rough day.

Oh, on a humorous note, I have ALWAYS had REALLY straight hair...it is now curly...natrually. I am convinced that anxiety can curl your hair. :)

Footprints

2006-01-30T10:26:00.000-06:00

We all know the familiar poem about Footpirnts. The people in my life that have left footprints across my heart are referred to, in my own terminology, as Forever Friends. To define this furthur, they are family and friends that are so valuable to me that I will never forget them. I might lose touch for awhile, but they are always there. I trust them completely with my hopes and fears, and they never judge...or at least they don't tell me if they do.

I had the pleasure of spending the weekend with one of these such people in my life. We joke that we share a brain, but we kind of do. He is me in male form in many ways. I had not planned on writing about him, but he is too important to me not to share this amazing man. He has the ability to make you feel like you are the only other person in the world. He is kind, gentle, and genuine. I used to think this was all an act, but as we have gotten to know each other, I have come to realize that he is sincere. I knew from the moment that I met him that we would know each other forever in one capacity or another. If it is not God's will for us to be together, then we will always be close friends. That thought brings me great comfort. I tell you all of this because he is going through a rough spot in his life right now. I ask for your prayers for him.

I realize that when you put people on pedastals, they just fall off. But why dwell on the negative things of great people? We all have faults, it is how we deal with these that make us great in my mind. He is dealing with a HUGE strife, and although it is getting him down a bit, you would never know it. What a great ability.

To come full circle, his footprints on my life are treasures to me. I reflect about the time I spend with him and the things that he says often. For that, I thank him.

For my Forever Friends, I thank Him.

The Challenge

2006-01-28T09:47:00.000-06:00

I am very reflective today. I am at work, so this could be very bad for finances, but oh well.

I have realized that I have issues of self-importance, I have come to this by watching people around me, and their actions. To become aware of this, not very nice trait, in yourself is not fun. It is eye opening, and helps me to be more aware of myself. I have, through this, realized that I have to be challenged. I have to have a challenge to excel, or motivate myself. This is true in work as well as in relationships. When I am not challenged, I merely coast. I do as little as I have to in order to survive. This was VERY clear during my schooling. I was a decent student, but could've been much better. I chose to coast instead...until I was challenged. Well, my current job is not challenging. The only challenge that I face is doing everything that I can to make my manager HEAR me. In my opinion, she lives life with blinders on, and cannot hear. You would think that she is listening, but when it is time to take action, it is clear that she did not hear. I too struggle with this.

The point - I have applied for a MUCH more challenging job position, that will also aid in dealing with my self-importance issues. I currently feel like a monkey could do my job. I do not like that feeling. I know that we are all a dime a dozen in ANY position, but I struggle to not feel this way. I need the challenge to be motivated...and being in sales, motivation leads to money...which doesn't seem to motivate me...it is the chase of the sale and knowing that I have served my customers the absolute best that I can. That being said, I have been known to send customers to my competition, because I know their needs would be better served by their product options. This is detrimental to my bank account, but vital to my mind. It helps me to sleep at night. This new position will be a slow interview process, so I MUST be patient. Knowing what I do about it, it sounds perfect for me.

I am going to spend tonight praying that God's will is what is done, in this, and other situations in my life currently. I would appreciate your help with this. Prayers, or words of guidance, or words of confirmation that I am doing right. I can take constructive criticism as well.

Guilty Admission

2006-01-27T07:04:00.000-06:00

This is not a bad thing, I promise...you will probably find it humorous.

Yesterday, I called in sick to work. Why, for probably the most vain thing I have ever uttered. I had a BAD HAIR DAY! My boss was privy to what was truly going on, and she laughed, but I missed work nonetheless.

Within the last week, my hair has become REALLY greasy at the root, to the point that running fingers through my hair was the most disgusting thing I could do. Yesterday, it was bad enough to call in to work, and make a frantic emergency hair appointment. The verdict...my hair is reacting to long use of cheap hair products, hormonal changes, and stress. I NEVER would have thought that this could occur. From the time I got home from therapy on Wednesday to the time I went to bed last night, my hair was washed 18 times. Two of those time included vinegar and baking soda. I also incurred some expense with all of this as I now have two shampoos that I am to mix together to wash my hair with every day. I tell you all of this because....I STILL SMELL LIKE VINEGAR!!!!! My hair is better, but not normal. I don't know that it will ever be normal again....stupid hormones.

If any of you have had something like this happen, or have a hairdresser that might know a trick, I would appreciate some help. At this point, I will be purchasing vats of lemon juice, baby shampoo (which is recommended because there are NO moisturizers in it), and vinegar to keep in my shower. Along with purchasing the two little bitty bottles of expensive shampoo, I will now have to tell potential suitors..."I can't go out with you tonight, I have to wash my hair." Maybe this is God's way of letting me know that I need to take better care of myself, and spend more time with Him. There is ALWAYS a silver lining to the story.

Take care, and Happy Shampooing!!!

The TRUE Inner Child

2006-01-26T07:00:00.000-06:00

"Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 18:3-4)

Thanks to another blogger, http://www.brokenmessenger.com/, I have an online daily devotional website. Today's lesson had very little to enlighten me today, so I went on a search for an older publishing. http://www.desiringgod.org/library/fresh_words/2005/062205.html This link is what I found. (Please excuse the rudimentary links...I am not the blogging guru that can do that kind of stuff, but you still get the point.)

One of the many things that I am working on in therapy is letting "the little girl" grow up. I have the duty to protect her and hold her. (Please see my previous post called The Question) Often times I have ignored her, let her be destroyed for adult Melissa's desires. How does this all realte to the links above? Well, it seems to have clicked this morning. I have a greater understanding of this inner child, and how I should treat her. Instead of threating her like I child, I need to humble the adult, and become more like her so that I can better understand her. This is what Jesus has been telling me all along, but it just never made sense. This is not to say that I will be trading in my suits for a smocked dress and a lolipop, but I will embrace her, and learn from her.

I have always loved children. Just yesterday, I had a stranger in my workplace. The other adults were busy talking, so I smiled at their two year old daughter. She grinned from ear to ear, and RAN into my arms. It is because of her that I see that is how we should be with Him. Such a small person, such a BIG lesson.

Spiritual Experience

2006-01-25T13:42:00.000-06:00

We all know what the GREATEST gift is, but do you know what the second greatest gift is?

A PERFECT RETREAT GIFT CERTIFICATE!!

No lie. My sweet aunt and uncle gave me a gift certificate for a one hour massage, a jacuzzi tub soak, a european facial, and a parafin treatment. I made my appointment and went yesterday for this, oh so very, perfect retreat! It was the best massage I have ever had! There are three reasons for this: 1. she completely relaxed me from head to toe, 2. it was free, and 3. I spent the entire time silent, and reflective. I prayed, I hung out with God, and I just rested.

I am learning that I can hang out with God while I am doing other stuff. I don't know why this hadn't really occurred to me sooner, but I am glad that it has. So, I am spending more time with God.

Charlotte

2006-01-24T07:32:00.000-06:00

"I've been dating since I was 15, where is he already?!?!?"

This is one of my FAVORITE quotes ever. It is from an episode of Sex and the City. The girls are sitting at breakfast discussing their current dating situations. This is Charlotte's sentiment about the fact that she continues to have one bad date after another. I TOTALLY identify with that statement. It is very difficult to be single in today's times. This online dating thing has produced LOTS of possibilities, and LOTS of BIG DORKS!!!

I know that I should trust Him to bring me the "one", but I am an anxious person. I have convinced myself that I have to actively seek this person. I could better focus my energies on seeking God, but for some reason, I continue to go on dates with ALL the wrong guys. Luckily, due to the nature of online dating, it is very easy to cut them loose at an early stage. All of this being said...I had another BAD date last night. We met for a very casual dinner, and talked about our divorce scenarios...to get it out of the way...his idea, not mine. Well, he was a great guy. Very sweet, attentive, insightful, and by my calculations, more of a woman than I am. We talked about camping. I, being a seasoned veteran of the pastime, discussed my many camping trips as an adult. I have spent 6 days backpacking across Colorado, been on several backpacking weekends to remote waterfalls, and can "rough it" with the best of them. Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate the modern amenities that one can find at an established campsite, but there is nothing quite as beautiful as sleeping under the stars in an area that is so far from civilization that you might not see another human for months. Some of the most beautiful places on this earth are in the middle of nowhere. I am fortunate to have seen a few of these such places. I am not really sure why I went into all of this...other than this is how I determined that my date last night was a bit of a wussy. His idea of camping is a pop-up camper with a fire built solely of Match Light Charcoals. (No offense to those of you that enjoy this) So, today, I have the duty of cutting him loose, while trying not to damage his seemingly fragile state....are there any strong men out there? I DO NOT want to be the man in a relationship. I am a girl, a very feminine being, and I have no intention of spending the rest of my life killing the spiders because my husband is a weenie.

My struggle for today...turn my focus back to God. A difficult task for me in the current "boy crazy" state that I am in. All I can do, is the best that I can do. After all, isn't admitting your shortcomings half of the battle?

Quote for the day: (I have a calendar that has some of humorous, uplifting sentiments) "God calls us to be faithful; He did not promise we would be successful.

For Today-----

Love, Charlotte

A Divine Sunday

2006-01-22T14:04:00.000-06:00

Alone time is something that is precious in today's world. We all seem to rush rush, and not take time for ourselves. Last night, I had the house to myself, and LOVED it. I just relaxed and enjoyed the silence. It was wonderful. I went to bed at a decent hour, an woke this morning to a clear head and a rested body. I spent some time "hanging out" with God this morning, then went downstairs for a cup of coffe. It was very relaxing.

Next...off to church. I have been visiting a church with a friend while I research other churches and what I am looking for in a church family. While singing this morning...the people in front of me probably wished I would stop...I started thinking. I really threw myself into the song, and the words that were being spoken through this comfortable, yet familiar, service. I realized that I have been searching for the wrong reasons. I have been looking for a church that I felt like I "fit" in. This is not why I enjoy going. It is not because I know anyone there, or because the ceremony is familiar. I go to church because I learn. I learn about God, and the Bible, and the ins and outs of being a Christian. This morning, I decided to stop my search. I love where I am going, and the messages that are taught. I get a tingly feeling when I think about the closeness I feel to God while I am sitting there. I know that this feeling is not always going to be present, but it is more often than not. Today's sermon...the second half of a discussion on Psalm 23. It was amazing. I think the part that I enjoyed the most was the children's time. We always sing the first verse of "Jesus Loves Me" on their way to the front of the church, and it makes me smile every time. Today, they talked about playing follow the leader and how we are following the leader by being his sheep. They also talked about God's flock of sheep and how He will leave the flock to find the one lost sheep. It was a great lesson for the children...and for me. All of this being said, I am going to continue visiting this church. I might possibly join, but my next step is to find a Sunday School class that I enjoy. I am very excited about this new development in my life.

As I grow, I would like to share more of how God is working in the details in my life. I would like this to become a daily devotional of sorts, to share my time with God.

This week, I have been struggling with my financial future...see previous blog. Yesterday, I had a return customer that saved over $2000 by following my advice. I was honest with them, and they were able to take advantage of a very nice sale. Before they left, they pulled me aside and handed me a check. I graciously accepted, thanked them for their business, and told them to keep in touch. Later in the day, I opened that check to find a HEFTY sum of money. Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy, and God DOES take care of the details. I will be writing them a very sincere thank you letter.

Free Chicken

2006-01-20T09:47:00.000-06:00

Due to the nature of my business, I am often put into a position to "prove" that the money that I have earned is the correct amount. I have had a rough couple of days. Yesterday, I was faced with proving a considerable amount of money that was due to me. I am dealing with a boss that is unable to hear explanation, and due to that, is very easily frustrated when we go through this process...which happens every month. After two, very heated, discussions regarding a large sum of money that I was about to lose, her boss got involved. I explained everything to him, just as I did to her. He understood, and signed off on everything. It was difficult to humble myself for the rest of the day, but I did the best that I could. This is an example of how God takes care of the little things. He knows my struggles, and is taking care of me, all the while showing me that doing the right thing is always better than trying to do the wrong. I, being VERY frustrated with the situation, returned to my desk in tears (a VERY unprofessional thing in my world), and I prayed. I asked for His hand to take my frustration, and I gave up to the fact that He would make it correct, even if it wasn't my way. Well, you know the outcome.

Secondly, I struggle in my career path to "get out there". I second guess my abilities, and often pass on things that I know I am capable of. Well, after the occurrence from earlier in the day, I was feeling better, but still frustrated at the fact that my career is not as fulfilling as I had hoped it would be. I received some VERY good news late in the day. A charity organization that I have been involved in for several months is auctioning the work that I have been doing. Yesterday, we found out that it will not only be mentioned, but featured in an issue of a prestigious local publication. The project began with me seeing that I had something that I could do to help the greater good...my job is not one that affects life or death situations, so being able to help is something I wanted to do. Help the greater good. This is another example of God taking care of me. He knew that I needed the exposure for many reasons.

Then...off to therapy...which can go well or badly depending on the topic of the evening. Instead of really dealing with any ONE issue, we simply talked about my progress. I have "leveled off". I started at the bottom, made some changes in my life, went into a self destructive tailspin, and have FINALLY made it to the building stage. My therapist, a very devout Christian, and I talked about God working through her. We talked about my personal journey with Him. She reminded me that God will take care of the details, IF we allow him to. She also reminded me that if we see the world through His eyes as opposed to our own, we will have the child-like excitement that I have always felt was part of my personality. It is not mine, but His. By seeing the world through His eyes, we will still live a rollercoaster life...but seeing it His way, the valleys don't "thud" against the earth, but the rollercoaster levels out. The entire coaster elevates, thus making the peaks higher and the valleys not as low. I am encouraged by all of this, and am "hanging out" with God.

Then...to the title of this blog. In an effort to prepare for the next few months of not spending ANY unnecessary money, I ventured to the store. It was late, and as I was finishing my colossal shopping, I cruised past the deli. It was closing time, and apparently they are to throw the leftovers away. Long story short, I got a free rotisserie chicken from the nice deli man.

From a hungry, broke 30 year old...God works in mysterious ways.

I'm OUT

2006-01-19T10:17:00.000-06:00

I am OUT of EVERYTHING! This is going to sound like a grocery list, and I promise there is a point. I needed to get some of this off my chest so that I can realize the true point.

I am out of toothpaste, make-up base, powder, shampoo, conditioner, toilet paper, food, the all important ice cream, coffee creamer, vitamins, my meds, money, and almost out of credit. It seems like I get furthur and further behind every month. I am also out of sparkle. I live my life as best I can by the idea that if you can't look yourself in the mirror, you aren't living right. Well, after my hairdryer BLEW up this morning, I stood and stared in the mirror. There seems to be a sadness in my eyes... one that I have never seen before. I usually have a little sparkle to my eyes...and it is one of my favorite things about myself...but it wasn't there. Is it because I am tired, or lost, or lonely? I am not sure. My sister-in-law (one of the most amazing and real people in the world) often reminds me that sometimes God forces us to our knees. I have been struggling with my Christian walk. I seem to do really well for awhile, then it is back to my old self. Sometimes it's for years, or only a few days. This time, I feel like it is only a few days. I can't help but think that my "outs" are merely symbolic for the major thing that I am "out" of...faith. I also feel like I am out of time. I know that God will welcome me back into His arms at any point in my life...but am I taking advantage of that...is that why the sparkle is gone?

If anyone has some words of encouragement, or a little advice...I would GREATLY appreciate it. I think what I really need is a swift kick in the butt.

God, I am here, please help me hear. Love, Melissa

Purely Fiction, A Fairytale

2006-01-18T18:58:00.000-06:00

A beautiful, successful princess sits quietly at her desk staring at her computer. She plans for her future. What kind of house she will live in, what kind of car she will drive, what kind of relationship she will have, what will her Prince Charming look like, how will her faith in God develop?

While thinking, almost to the point of obsession, she realizes that her life, for all of it's faults, has been pretty amazing. She has encountered the strife of a life in today's world, but has always landed on her feet. She has led a privileged life. She hasn't wanted for anything. Her career was always what she expected it to be. Her relationships...all preparation for her Prince Charming. Her God; perfect, fatherly, and ever present, although not always acknowledged. Her family, in their chateaus, are faulted but loved.

While contemplating all of this, she is quickly reminded by the ringing of her cell phone, that the present awaits. Jolted back into the reality that the bills have piled up, that she is not doing what she wants to with her career, that she is alone. She looks to God. He holds her, He loves her, but she still can't give into the FACT that He has a plan for her. She has free will, and can't help but think that her decisions have gotten her to this, very low, point in her life. He has picked her up before, but the low seems overwhelming today. What brings her hope? God.

This modern princess of sorts has problems, not unlike the fairytales of the past...they didn't tell us about those parts. Rapunzel...spent too much money on her shampoo, Snow White....couldn't please all of the dwarfs, Cinderella...still had a screwed up family.

So, what does this modern princess want, what does her fairytale consist of? Ultimately looking within herself to trust God with her search for Prince Charming, to trust God to lead her in the career path that He has for her, to trust God that it is not her will being done, but His. So, what does she do from here?

PRAY! Pray like she never has before, give it all to Him, glorify His name, look to Him for guidance, and hold on tight...cause it could get bumpier before the smooth sailing.

So, is that it? Is smooth sailing what her fairytale is? No, it is contentment. Contentment in the life that God has in store for her. What is she to do from here? "Just Breathe"

Love,
Princess Melissa

Rest and Procrastination

2006-01-18T07:18:00.000-06:00

Why is it that I have a million things to do, to get taken care of but that I can procrastinate with the best of them? I was off work yesterday and instead of getting things done that I REALLY needed to, I did the things that I wanted to. Is it back to the selfish thing? Did I really NEED the rest? I am not really sure. I am a week behind on my bible study, need to pay my bills, haven't done my "homework", and the list goes on...

I think that when I don't want to deal with things, I just procrastinate. I did this in college. I put off things that I didn't want to do until I absolutely had to. The difference now, I am realizing that I procrastinate because there are deeper reasons for my not wanting to deal with them. Like the fictional fairytale that I am to write, I don't want to do it because I am afraid of what I might write. It is hard to be faced with digging deep enough to write something that you aren't sure you know about. I talk about the fairytale a lot. I know in my heart that there is a sense of rescue that most fairytales have. Do I REALLY want to be rescued? What would that entail? Does it only have to do with romance or love? Why am I so afraid to write it?

I had a conversation with a friend the other night. My heart hurts for her. She is so dark, so untrusting, so hurt, it is hard for me to relate because I am more of a "live in the moment" kind of person. She spoke about her reasons for not having children. She is afraid that the foreign countries will come back to get the "Superpower" U.S. . She is afraid to bring a child into this world that is rampant with immorality. What do you say to someone who is making life decisions and is at a crucial part of their life, but are basing these decisions on world issues, when there in nothing that they can control about the world? I understand her point of view, but look at it quite oppositely. I want to have children, to raise them the absolute best that I can, and maybe they can live a good life as well. If we all did this, would the world not end up a better place? What does this have to do with the rest of my blog? Simple. She also seeks the fairytale, which is a contradiction to the rest of her statements. In a sense she wants to be rescued from these dark thoughts. I guess I am just thinking here, about the good and the bad of this fairytale thing.

Good News...for once

2006-01-15T12:56:00.000-06:00

Can you have a date that actually goes the way that you think a date should go? You know the drill. They pick you up at your house at the time that they said they were going to, they open the door for you, you go to a nice dinner and talk about anything and everything. Meet some friends at a party, but it seems like there is no one else in the room. All the while, enjoying each other's company and finding out that you not only have things in common, but that your plan for life is as close to identical as you have ever heard.

The answer, ABSOLUTELY!!!

Chivalry is not dead! Real gentlemen do exist, and interest in each other that I have sought seems to be real.

I wasn't particularly excited about this one, my first impression was that he might be too mature for my child-like life. Today, I know that first impressions can be incorrect, and that things aren't always what they seem.

After a long spell of heartache, self-inflicted wounds, and shattered hopes, my faith is renewed in God and in mankind. Now...it is time to guard my heart, hold on, and ENJOY THE RIDE!!!!

The Question

2006-01-14T09:01:00.000-06:00

"Does ANYBODY Hear Her?"

The answer to this question today is...no. Throw caution to the wind, live life in the moment, and what does it get you...squat. Is the risk worth it? No.

We ALL have an inner child. I struggle to know if I am making decisions for the little girl, or for the seemingly grown up Melissa. What typicaly happens is that I make decisions with some sort of clouded judgement. I send the little girl to play in traffic armed with a balloon (that adult Melissa filled full of anticipation, excitement, and a lot of hot air). Then I stand on the side of the road and watch. It is truly like an out of body experience. She does okay, dodges the big trucks, stops to pet a dog, and makes it to the other side of the road...waiting for me to tell her to come back. The casuality of her journey, the balloon. Adult Melissa makes decisions for the little girl in the middle of this quest, thinking more of the safety of the balloon than for the little girl. Inevitably, the balloon gets popped. For adult Melissa, this feels like someone took the wind out of her sails. They let all of the air out of her tires, they took her excitement and feelings and made them meaningless. Her balloon got popped, and all she has left when the little girl comes back is a string, and a scared little girl.

Dear God,
Please help me to take care of the little girl.
Love,
Melissa

If I stood on top of the tallest building and screamed at the top of my lungs, would anybody hear me?

A Little Excitement, at least for me

2006-01-13T07:28:00.000-06:00

Online dating. Something I never thought I would find acceptable, but a tool that has become a wonderful outlet for my desire to have attention from the opposite sex. While I am not in a relationship, I tend to be a little "boy crazy". I seek the affections and attentions of men to fill some sort of void in my life. If you want to dig deeper it deals with my relationships with my parents and my hesitation at many points in my life to allow God to "fill that desire". So, here I am. I have played the bar games of dating, and just would up empty, alone, and feeling worse about myself than I did to begin with. A while ago, I signed up for an online dating service....one that promises to match you with people that you are compatible with. Well, in the time that I have been on there, I have only had 6 matches, all out of town, and none of them really interesting. So about a month ago, I signed on to another such service. This one...a little less regulated, but MUCH faster paced, is a considerable ROI compared to the other. Well, I now have to deal with the DIRTY OLD MAN factor...these are men that clearly are below what I would accept to date. I have had messages from the WHOLE gamut of people. I even had one that asked for friendship with benefits...nice concept, but he was quickly ignored and blocked. Oh yea, the ignore button...the single woman's greatest ally in online dating. Someone im's you, you have a minute to check out their profile and picture...don't like what you see, hit ignore. Kinda reminds me of those commercials with the easy button...well, it has saved me from many a redneck and/or dirty old man. I wish that I could carry that button around in my pocket and use it in the physical world. What is funny in all of this is that although I would NEVER consider going out with 90 percent of the people that have tried to contact me, the attention does help the old self-esteem, flattering to know that someone can be attracted to me and only know a very little about who I am and what I look like. Ok, so now that I have given you a little history of my dating life at this point, I will get to the purpose of this blog.

I have met, in person, five people that I have been communicating with through the web. I have figured out, and maybe it is justtification to make me feel like I am not a freak for doing this, but that it is actually safer than the methods of meeting people than I have used in the past. I always tell my rooommates where I am going, who I am meeting, and I NEVER put myself in a situation that I would not be comfortable in...I always meet them in public places so as not to put myself in danger if they turn out to be Jeffrey Daumer. How is this different than what I have done in the past to meet people? Well, traditionally, I would go out with a group of friends to a bar, find a cute boy, and flirt shamelessly. Often exchaging phone numbers without knowing ANYTHING about them. The dating from there usually goes the way that they, still very much a stranger, would come pick me up at my house, and we go on a date. What is wrong with this you might ask? I usually didn't even know their last name, and no one else knew what I was doing or where I was going...see the difference??? So, the internet thing...I am a little more guarded, and a LOT more careful.

The real reason for this blog??? You will have to wait until next week...I have a date on Sunday that I am VERY, VERY, VERY excited about. How's that for a clifhanger???? Oh, and for those of you that know me....don't call to ask me about this...I am not going to jinx this one...you will just have to wait for the blog.

Love to you all! M

It's FRIDAY!!!

2006-01-13T07:18:00.000-06:00

Well, after blogging last night, I am back. I guess I had forgotten why I started doing this to begin with. I realized after re-reading this this morning, that I really enjoy it. I really want to write more often. I have several tasks for blogs that have been requested...I have started them, but am having a really hard time wrapping my mind around their concepts. That, or I just REALLY don't want to deal with the issues that I will be forced to while writing them. So, like all important things is my life, I will procrastinate. I guess that isn't a good word either, because I will be thinking, obsessing, and searching these issues and trying to find the ability to write them the whole time I am doing other things. What I am trying to say is that I have a hard time talking about the "Fairytale". Be it fact or fiction, I guess it is something that is deeply personal to me, a life that I want and seek, but how do you put into words your deepest wants, desires, needs...without fearing being hurt? I seem to be able to tell my life story very easily, but I can't talk about my dreams. Hmm.

Preparation for Fiction

2006-01-12T19:53:00.000-06:00

This is harder than I thought. Putting your feelings out there. I have had lots of thought of what I want to put on here. At 30, I have homework, tough homework. Write a fictional fairytale, can you do that and keep your subconscious out of it? Where does it start? Where does it end? Is there a lesson? What is the feeling it will leave me with when I am finished? Can you really step outside of yourself, and write something that isn't about your life, or a lesson you have learned, or something you are going through? My fear, will my fairytale, the fiction one, be dark or sad? My feelings might get in the way. Can I trust that God has already written my fairytale? I know and trust that he has and that it is perfect. Can I search myself and write one from my own thoughts? Will any of it match God's?

Time to stop asking myself these questions and get on with it...

Purely Selfish

2006-01-09T07:07:00.000-06:00

Given my circumstances, I have the right and/or curse to be very selfish in my lifestyle and decisions. This morning is a perfect example. I have the choice of writing another blogg, or doing my Bible study. Knowing the right answer to that predicament, here I sit. This being said, I am going to take this opportunity to tell you a little more about me. It is the selfish choice of my options, and I know this, but I also know that God is here with me.

When you have very few responsibilities, you can be very selfish in your choices. My current worldly responsibilities include, but are not limited to: paying my taxes, and well, that is pretty much it. I have bills to pay, so I go to work to a job that bears very little value other than money. Now, due to this (and by my conscious choice), I have the ability to live a somewhat carefree life, or at least it would seem this way to the people that do not know what I am going through and dealing with on a daily basis. I allow others to perceive this "image" that I have built. It is one of a strong, single, professional with an impractical car, nice clothes, and very little else to show for the fact that I have NO money.

And now, for the rest of the story. "Responsibilities with Higher Value", may have to be a whole other blogg, but I will try to keep it brief. I have a God, so I am responsible for living a good life. This life has been composed of a series of choices, some good, some bad. We all have this. This is where we have the ability to live a self-serving life, or to live a God-serving life. My choices have leaned more to the self-serving side for a majority. (ie. blogging vs. Bible study this morning) I also have responsibilities to friends and family. I want to be a good daughter/sister/granddaughter/friend. This seems to fight with the selfishness, but because my motivations tend to lean towards a perfect image of sorts that I am trying to portray, it becomes selfish again. Choosing to be lazy instead of spending time with loved ones is a choice I am often faced with, and I usually choose laziness. This is not to say that I am lazy, but that I would rather "hide" than be burdened with putting on my "image". All of this being said, there is a battle going on inside my head and heart that I am fighting. Why am I so self-serving? This is a question that crosses my mind almost every minute of every day.

I don't claim to be special, or expect special treatment. I live my life to the best of my ability. I am coming to accept that you cannot change another person, you can only modify yourself to deal with situations and circumstances. This ability is one that God has given us, it is what seperates us from the animals.

This blogg seems to be a little scattered as I look back over what I have written. I am not sure if that is because I haven't had enough coffee to think clearly this morning, or because the medication hasn't kicked in. I chose to leave this writing in this state. I will not go back and make changes to make it more clear. I was searching through some other blogs yesterday and stumbled across one that is written by a man with ADHD and or ADD. Very interesting. I will put the link on here when I figure out how to do it. I guess what I am saying here is that I have what my therapist calls an "anxiety disorder". For every one thought that most people have, I have an average of four - without medication. With medication....oh, and thank you medication, I can slow my mind to half that speed. Still fast, but palpable. Ok, back to the point. Selfishly I am telling you all of this BECAUSE (aren't you ready for some point?), I am in the early stages of "sorting" my life out with the help of God and MANY other people...some I even pay for. Whether anyone reads all of this is not important to me. It is theraputic for me to get all of this out of my mind...clearing the cobwebs if you will. Maybe someone will visit and have a better understanding for me, or someone that they love that has a lot on their "plate", and struggles to know God and themselves better. I am on a quest for deeper understanding of why I am here, this blogg is where I will share that quest.

If you are along for the ride, be sure your seatbelts are fastened, your tray tables are in the upright and locked position, and hold on...

P.S. I like to say little "catchy" things...please feel free to share yours with me...the one for today...hmmm...

To quote a song... "Keep your hands on the wheel, believe in the things that are real, take your time, and keep it between the lines."

Let's Start at the Very Beginning

2006-01-08T10:14:00.000-06:00

Where to start? Well, I am a 30 year old, divorced, designer who runs at 9o miles an hour at all times. For all intensive purposes, let's call me Melissa. I am starting this in an effort to clear my mind, and maybe share some lessons and laughs with anyone who cares. I have tried the written journal approach to expression, and find it boring and lackluster. So, here I am.

First, let's talk about the people that might be interested in reading this so as not to waste anyone's time. I would consider myself "normal" (although many people in my life might disagree with that). If you have been cheated on, heard the ticking of the proverbial clock, found yourself lost from God, sacrificed your priorities for the sake of not being alone, had a crazy relationship with your mother (mine will NEVER know about this), and all the while still have faith that the "Fairytale Life" is not only possible, but deserved, then welcome to my world. I am an eternal optimist, my glass is always half-full, and there is not a problem in the world that a long drive in a convertible and a conversation with God that can't be overcome. If any of this relates to your life, please visit often. I make no promises as to anything you might learn, but finding out that you (and I, for that matter) aren't alone in this boat with many holes.

I look forward to this new journey of self-expression, anonominity, and hopeful feedback from perfect strangers.

The song lyrics to songs can often startle us into a surreal reality of our lives. The below is that song for me. It is a beautiful explanation of my quest of life to this point. May it provoke your thoughts, and hopefully bring you solace that there is someone out there that has been there too.

She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyon's ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years older
And she's three more steps behind

CHORUS
Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?

She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming
And he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason
And she gives herself away

CHORUS

If judgment looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we've never even met her (repeat)
We've never even met her

Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me

CHORUS
He is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction

I am not sure what the rules are about this kind of thing, but this song is from the Lifesong CD by Casting Crowns...a WONDERFUL, contemporary christian band.