EpicI have A LOT to write today - sorry for the epic blog. I understand if you can't make it to the end.
Therapy was GREAT last night. We discussed the happenings of the weekend with mom,and how it affected me, good and bad. Therapist keeps telling me to "name it", "own it", and "accept it for what it is". I couldn't have explained this a year ago. In my anxious mind, a comment is made, I roll it around, twist it, throw some mud on it, and react to it very quickly. Seriously, this takes about one nanosecond to occur. What I have been focused on doing with other situations, and other people is slowing my mind to actually see the truth for what it is. To head off the spiral before it starts. I have not been able to do this when it comes to my mother.
On a similar, but side note, my brother told me what he wants for me this weekend. Not from, but FOR. He is truly amzing. His desire is for me to slow down, to live in the gray. I guess I tend to worry the people that love me because I live so fast, it seems out of control. Life is very fast, and VERY black and white for me. How does this relate to the above statement? I have been able to slow down areas of my life, but they are not evident to others. The one BIG area that I have not been able to slow myself is with my family. Mostly mom, but also with others.
So, to bring this full circle, I FINALLY am able (at least I understand it) to recognize the tools needed to deal with my mother and the rest of my family. I can't let the anxiety monster flip the story into a hurt motivated kind. I must learn to understand that no one is perfect, everyone can lie, their motivations are not always to hurt me. I will accept things at face value. If they hurt me, I can process it by admitting that it is MY hurt. That it is MY mind that is twisting words to hurt. If I "own" my thoughts for what they truly are, then I can dismiss them as just thoughts...not truths. If I know and recognize what my mind is capeable of, I can head it off at the pass, and choose a different path. I chose the path that leads to Him.
I have told you before that I would blog about the following words and what they mean to me. I have difficulty deciphering the difference between them. In understanding, and SAYING out loud, I seem to understand the words, their meanings, and their roles in my life.
Approval - In my own words approval relates very closely to validation. The issue that I have struggled with in regards to approval is seeking it from worldly people. I was able to look my mother and brother in the eye this weekend and tell them that I don't need thieir approval. I need His. This was HUGE for me.
Accountability - I equate accountability to discipline. Not what most would think about disclipline either, but more like being discliplined/punished for doing something wrong. Although this is somwhat true, it is also somewhat false. Accountability is owning your actions as wrong, accepting them, and making different choices the next go around. We can be accountable to one another, but ultimately, we are accountable to God.
Acceptance - Easily misconstrued to share the meaning of approval in my mind. Acceptance is seeing truth, understanding it at face value. I told my mom and brother this weekend that what I want from them is acceptance for who I am. For all of my good and bad points. God loves us the way that we are, why can't others? I need to accept the people that love me for who they are at face value, and let God worry about changing them...I can't do it. Consequently, I am able to let God change me, to work in my life. I need to remind myself that He is doing the same in theirs.
Advice - We all know the saying about advice/opinions. I tend to look to others for advice in an effort to gain their approval and acceptance. The "little girl" is the one who seeks these things from worldly people. In doing so, she asks their advice and seems to say "Na Nanny Boo Boo...I will do what I want". This causes frustration for the people around me.
Knowing and understanding all of this is something I feel that I have wrestled with for most of my life. No more. I seek His approval - I don't need anyone else's. I am accountable to Him - not them. I am (or am at least trying to) accept the world at face value - not the value that my mind can give them - He accepts me for who I am, I must do the same with others to be more like Him. I will continue to seek advice in an effort to make educated decisions, but ultimately, I will do as He wants me to - if that matches the advice I am given, then the ones who gave it are also working to be like Him.
I am leaving today, on a journey. (I am actually driving 5 hours, hopping on a plane to go to Canada for training for my new job) I will return late Friday. I look forward to the driving parts....I LOVE to drive. The in between the driving parts is a little scary, but I am excited about it. I will be alone, in a strange city, to eat alone. The "little girl" is the one who is scared. Knowing that is half the battle.
God be with you...I KNOW he will be with me.