Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Images in my head


OK, a little better.

I promised myself that I would not lie on here, or hide ANYTHING...so I am out there, real, trying to work through everything. So...think what you will...this is me today.

My mind is the devil's playground as of late. I have lots of images running through my head. I am a very visual person, and Therapist has asked me to paint these, but the thought of making them THAT real is terrifying to me...so I will write about them.

1. I have the ability to "turn of the light" and "walk into the next room" leaving a person that hurt me in a dark place in my mind that I will not return to. I recently turned the light off on the Long Lost Valentine. He made me feel unimportant. My head - looks like a maze of dark and light red brick rooms. No ceilings, no windows, just the doors that I enter and leave through. The hardest part, I see more dark rooms than light. I have done this with my father, my best friend from High School, my ex-husband, ex-boyfriends, and have threatened to do it with my mother. One might think that I have the ability to hold a grudge...nope, that is not it. These people don't exist to me anymore. I seldomly think of them.

2. In the movie, "When a Man Loves a Woman", the wife is a struggling alcoholic...there is a scene where she is fighting, kicking and screaming, hitting her husband, and he just holds her. Despite her flailing limbs, he won't let go. This is what I feel like with God. I continue to fight. I kick, I scream, and he just holds me. Sometimes I feel Him, sometimes I don't. Today...nothing.

3. The sheep. The lost sheep tangled in barbed wire, writhing in pain. The sheep is black and it is the darkest of night. I see the blood.

I know that I need to lie down and wait, stop fighting. It is very hard to do when you see what is going through my head....the monster that is anxiety and satan is dark...I see him as a black image that crosses the path in my mind in the distance...stalking, waiting.

So there you have it...my darkness. Please pray for me.


At 11:12 PM, Blogger mommy to four j's said...

I will pray for you. Whatever you are going through it will be ok. God will walk with you through this and hold your hand.

At 11:56 PM, Blogger the voice said...

When these spells hit you, get out your Bible and read, particularly the Gospels of Matthew, Mark, John and Luke. (James is good too!) Then pray and meditate. Listen for the Voice in your heart, not the one in your head. That will be God speaking to you. Good luck, and I will pray for you also.


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