Anxious FaithFirst, I need to address something to my fellow LBY studiers. As I am in the midst of learning about myself, and combating the demons that I have known my whole life, I need to tell you all that I am going back to square one with my Christian walk. Rest assured that I will still be doing the LBY study, but that I need to do it on my own schedule. After a long discussion with Therapist last night, I need to go back to "baby steps". The study is a bit much for my anxious mind at this point. I hope that you will all continue to stop by, but my post might not necessarily be in regards to our study. I need to take it all one day at a time. So, if you feel the need to remove me from the LBY list, I TOTALLY understand...I just need to commit myself to the smaller steps of Christianity at this point.
On to the lessons of therapy. I am so thankful that Therapist is a Christian, and that she can help me with all of this. We relate EVERYTHING to God, and His plan for me...that I have trouble waiting for.
I walked into therapy last night with a list of questions. She doesn't necessarily give me answers, but helps me to understand the whys.
1. About Therapist: How do you change gears from one appointment to the next? (This has been bothering me for quite some time) Her response was...it is God. He allows her mind to change gears very quickly, and focus her attentions on the person who needs His help through her the most at that moment. Pretty cool.
2. Do hormones play a role in depression? YES!!!!! After months of the cycle of lost and found, anger and acceptance, it is very clear to me that women's hormones can affect their actions, words, and thoughts...sometimes sending them into a downward spiral. 28 days from now - you will probably hear me screaming....God is bigger than the hormones!
3. Why can't I pray? I cannot finish a prayer, I haven't said Amen to one of my own prayers in MANY years. This is where an anxious mind falls easily to the ways of sin. My mind races. I cannot control it. If I cannot pray in 3 seconds, I won't finish it...which makes me feel as if I am sinning...which makes my mind take off....(this is why the LBY Bible study is so difficult for me right now) Baby steps...I am going to take one verse per week and memorize it. Repeat it as often as I can. Baby steps.
4. Why do I see every thing as black and white? Why does the light have to be off or on? ANXIETY will push you for answers...anxiety will make you impatient for a black or white answer...anxiety will make you unable to hear or see God's plan. Anxiety is a fancy word for impatience. How do I overcome this? Name it, call it what it is, when anxiety pushes for an answer, admit that is what is happening, and decipher if I am being anxious or not. Decipher when I am hanging on to anxious thoughts because I want a certain outcome, or if I am accepting reality.
IT'S NOT ABOUT ME!!! It is about Him! Listening, waiting, protecting, honoring. By honoring myself (protecting the little girl), I am honoring Him.
I might someday write a book about all of this...if I can ever slow down enough to actually write something like that...it might be a VERY short book if I wrote it now. Can you call it a book if it is only three sentences????
For today...God does not respond to what we do, we respond to what He does.