Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Mental Vaca

Hi all!

I am sorry for my absence. Due to the fact that I basically have the next month off, my sleeping schedule has adjusted, and my quiet time in the morning has shortened considerably. I am not distanced from God this time. I think about Him and hang out with Him all day, but I have just decided to take a bit of a mental vacation. With every day that passes, the details of my life are tying themselves up quite nicely, and in perfect order. Nothing is really "hooking" me, and I am truly just relishing the peace. So, please excuse my distance...rest assured that I am still reading your blogs, and focusing on turning my life to Him.

Thanks for your understanding!

Love,
M

Friday, April 21, 2006

Wow! (Add'l)

Well, today has proven to me that God's hand is CLEARLY in my life...everything going on has worked out for the best possible solution for ALL parties involved!!!!!!!

If you hear someone screaming AMEN....it's just me celebrating!!!!!!

Wow!

All I can say today is WOW!!! There is such an amazing peace in knowing that you are following Him. Things just seem to fall into place. Details of my last job are wrapping up in a nice little package, the difficulties that I knew would occur with my new job have dissipated, and I CAN'T WAIT for what is coming soon to a Melissa near you!

I will be spending LOTS of time in my car from now on, and I have a selection of Christian CD's that I hold very dear. I have also memorized all of the words to most of them. So, I am asking for your feedback. What CD's do you enjoy? (I love ALL genres of music, but have been drawn to the upbeat, able to be screamed at the top of your lungs with the top down kind as of late...just something to keep in mind)

On a totally different note, I have also been re-reading my blog as of late. (this is a VERY natural occurrence for someone who is on the anxious/obsessive side) I have come to realize that this blog is a billboard of sorts for my problems. I have been NAKED in my writing. You have read some of my very deepest thoughts, and journeyed through a very difficult time in my life. BUT...if you saw me on the street, you would NEVER know I was the person writing all of this. I am a very happy person. I truly do look at the world with a Pollyanna demeanor. The smallest things bring a child-like excitement to me. It is my FAVORITE characteristic about myself. This blog has also afforded me the ability to get the thoughts out of my head so that I can have some semblance of a normal life. I am not tempted to go to a bar and tell everyone in the room what I am going through...because I am telling you. (Consequently, I don't go to bars much anymore, can't remember the last time I did....which is HUGE for me, cause there was about a year long period when I couldn't remember the last time I didn't) So, as you read, I ask that you keep in mind that I truly leap out of bed every morning, with a smile on my face that seems cemented in place all day long. Thanks for reading my billboard!

Love, M

Thursday, April 20, 2006

I GOT IT!!!!!

Well, I will keep this brief. I GOT THE JOB!!! I start June 1, and I am SOOOOOOO EXCITED! I will more or less be my own boss, and there will be some in state travel involved, but I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!

Had therapy last night. She was as excited as I am. Since I will be working more or less alone, I will not have a lot of the issues that I do at my current job. I am sure there will be another batch of issues, BUT...this job is challenging...and the schedule is very flexible...AND I GET MY WEEKENDS BACK!!!!!!

Ok, that is all I have for today...maybe more tomorrow...until then...take care.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

A Big Day

First - the summation of my studies....

Excerpt from one of them:
But first, we must want victory. Some people would rather walk on the margin of the battlefield and be a walking victim instead of a marching victor (MY MOM). So examine your heart and say, "Lord, I want victory today." (ME)
Second, we must yield ourselves to Christ. We don't fight for victory; we fight from victory. The simple secret of winning in the Christian life is to identify ourselves with Christ, trust Him and follow Him. We'll have battles to fight, to be sure, and sometimes we might stumble and fall. But keep in mind that Christ is riding in majesty. Why don't you ride right along with Him by faith?
Jesus has conquered life, and we may stand with Him in victory. Before we can, though, we must want victory, and we must yield ourselves to Him. Are you a conqueror? By faith identify with Christ and share His victory.

ONWARD CHRISTIAN SOLDIERS! - I ride with Him today!

Second - My LBY lessons. God sees the "big picture" of our lives. It is not written, or spoken, but we, through faith, will come to understand His plan. If we let go, and die to Him, then His will is what will be done in our lives.

Today is the interview. I have very little emotion about it this morning. I am preparing to hear Him. I have a two hour drive before and after and look forward to hanging out with God during that time, and letting Him guide my heart. I know that He sees my motivations for wanting this job, I trust that He will lead me.

On another note, I have an overwhelming need to get rid of the "garbage" in my life. Today this feels like I need to rid myself of people and things that I know are unnecessary to my life. There are people that I know are not meant to be a part of my life for the rest of my life, and things that I have that I do not need. I feel like it is time to let it all go. Garbage in, garbage out. Time to clear the cobwebs...and get on with His plan with a clear mind, body, and soul.

All I have left to say is a very sincere.....
YIPPEE!!!!!!

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Timing is Everything

I keep apologizing for being behind in my LBY bible study. I am going at a snails pace. Everyone else is somewhere around week 4...me...day 2 week 1. BUT...I have seen God's way this morning...there is a reason that he wanted me to be taking baby steps. His timing is AMAZING!!!!

The second half of day two didn't speak to me this morning, it SCREAMED at me. I needed it so desperately, and had I read it three weeks ago, might not have been able to apply it directly to my life. The meat of the study today was about seeking worldly approval. I have written a WHOLE lot about approval...without realizing that I have been seeking the wrong approval. I have been seeking the approval of men, of mom, of grandmother, of boss. THEY DON'T MATTER. The only approval that I need is HIS. I don't want to go into the many ways that I have explained my approval seeking...feel free to read ANY of my previous posts...I promise you will find some sort of reference to it.

After mom "hooked" me this weekend, I have heard one continuing comment...I just have to let it go. To me, this is MUCH easier said than done. Well, this morning, God turned the spotlight on me. He showed me that I DON'T NEED HER APPROVAL. I need His. In seeking approval, we become enslaved to the one that we seek it from. I have spent most of my life as a "people pleaser". I have been enslaved to pretty much everyone that I know, or have ever met. Well, with His hand in my life, I will not do that anymore. I will seek only His approval. It makes so much sense to me now.

On another note, I need some help. If you visit often, and notice that I have not posted in a few days...please remind me that my distance from the blog world is a direct correlation to how distant I am from Him. The more I blog, the more I am learning about Him, and His hand in my life. I ask for your assistance with my accountability to Him.

Thank you GOD for this lesson...I needed that!

Monday, April 17, 2006

She Buttonhooked Me

To those of you that are fans of Adam Sandler, you will think the title to this is Hilarious! To those of you that don't, sorry...it's not quite as funny, but you will still get the point.

A little business...To my fellow LBY sisters...I am gaining on you! I am almost finished with day 2 of week one.... :)

I am thinking of starting another blog...one that people can VENT about their mothers...completely anonymously...just a thought...

And now, for the next chapter in the Chronicles of Momia.

In order to understand this, I have to detail the happenings of yesterday. Easter Sunday.

My mom and Grandmother attended the Easter Sunrise Service with me. I was SOOOOOO excited that they were there. I had volunteered to help out, and was unable to actually sit with them...which made my mom a little angry. Well, my bestest friend's parents were in town from Colorado, and they joined Mom and GM for the service. BF's parents have invited me to go to the beach with them...which I haven't told anyone...because I am THIRTY...and I don't think that EVERYONE needs to know when I wipe my bootie. Well, BF's parents doted on me, and told Mom and GM how excited they were that I was going, and that they felt like I was a part of the family...flattering to me...evidently insulting to my Mom. (I must tell you that my roommates...that I see every day...didn't even know about the trip) Anyway. BF told me about all of this before I went to meet the whole fam for breakfast...so I was a little prepared for what was about to happen. (Oh, and Mom shot me a look that could kill after the service because I wouldn't be riding with her and GM to breakfast) Well, I arrived perfectly on time, we had a nice time. As we were exiting the restaurant, Mom and I had a BRIEF moment alone. I told her that I have a job interview on Wednesday, but that I haven't told anyone in an effort not to jinx it....her response....drumroll, please...(in her VERY stern and cold tone) "Well, I am not anyone special." And exit stage right. Yep, not congratulations, or inquiry as to what kind....nothing. For all she knows at this point, I have an interview to be a greeter at Wally World. NEATO.

As the day went on, and with a little help from the world of chemistry, I got over it. I even called to tell her thank you for going to church with me...she didn't answer. But, thanks to BF, and some FABULOUS meds, I was able to attend my usual church service, and TOTALLY enjoy it...consequently...my aunt and uncle attended with me...and it meant the world to me that they were there...

Onto the lessons of the service...sorry for the length of this blog...all of this truly occurred before noon on Easter...and I ended up in bed at 5 pm yesterday...it was just too much to take. The children's lesson was about resurrection and what our favorite day of the year is. The main point...every day is a new day! The sermon, truly wonderful, was about...um, I forget right now...but I know that I loved it, and that it spoke to me.

I truly love each and every one of you, and I pray that God is working in your lives the way that He is working in mine.

Happy Monday!

P.S. If anyone else could benefit from the "venting" blog, let me know...

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Happy Easter

"But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you" (1 Pet. 5:10).

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

One Day In the Grey

Oh, yeah. A day in the grey! Oh yeah. A day in the grey! (my own little song)
Yesterday was a FABULOUS day! I didn't obsess, I got lots of stuff done, I had a great quiet time, I had a beer with my bestest friend....does anyone else see the judicial icon of balance, or is it just me?

Ok, something I have been thinking about, after being prompted to address it, has become more clear. It was pointed out to me that my blog is a contradiction in and of itself. Can you struggle to be heard, and still bound out of bed with a smile on your face every day? Yep, you sure can.

Every day is a new beginning, it is a gift from God. How you deal with life's termoil and tests is a clear determining factor of who you are. I have dealt with some pretty dark issues on here. (Because they are "my deepest thoughts") I have also shared lessons, and joys. I am struggling to decipher who I am...not Melissa the daughter, or sister, or friend, or designer, or salesperson, but really who I am. (Funny because Melissa isn't my real name) :) Dealing with the daily happenings in my life are helping me to see who I am, and to hear HIM...not me...HIM. Coming to these understandings can be dark, painful, blissful, and joyous all at the same time. So, my apologies to the one that prompted me to this...I know you don't agree. I know that you love me, and that you support me...this doesn't mean you always have to understand me...after all, I often don't understand myself. I love you more than any words will ever be able to express. You are my rock, my shelter, my support, my rescuer, my "tell me no" person...and you aren't even my parent...how amazing to have such a wonderful person in my life! Today, I send you the BIGGEST HUG! Thank you for everything you have done for me, with me, about me, etc.

Love,
Squirt

Monday, April 10, 2006

Sunburned and Enlightened

I had a very cool weekend. I made the trip to my college town to see some friends. I started out Saturday mid morning with the top down on my car, thinking about how much I LOVE the town that I am heading to. I have many friends that remained there after college, who I miss dearly. The three hour drive was filled with sunshine, smiles, and solace. I turned the radio way up, and ignored my phone. I prayed...without too many Amens, but prayed nonetheless. There is a great job opportunity in that area for me right now. I am very experienced and qualified for the position, but have had doubts about applying for it. I prayed about it, got sick to my stomach about it, and called my fab sis-in-law for a little prayer backup about it.

Normally, when I crest the final hill coming into town, and can see the campus and downtown area, I get a flutter in my heart, like I am home. This time, no flutter. It was very sad to me to lack the excitement that I typically have, but I listened very closely to my heart the entire time I was there. I spent some quality time with all of my friends, and thoroughly enjoyed their company. I am blessed to have some great friends.

The lesson of the weekend: God speaks to us through our hearts, NOT our heads. I have been trying to "listen" to Him as one would listen to a parent. To obey what I know in my head is right....but that is the wrong way...you have to listen with your heart. He spoke to me very clearly through my heart. I have applied for a few jobs in this area thinking that I just needed to "go home". None of them have ever worked out. I have thought that my station in life was due to worldly circumstances...not true. There is a specific reason that I am where I am right now. On my way home...again top down, radio blaring...I accepted that my heart does not belong in that town. I HEARD HIM!! I actually heard Him, accepted it, and understood it. It was totally amazing to realize this. Sad on some levels because of the draw to that town that I have always felt, but so very exciting to hear Him. I know that I belong where He wants me...I don't necessarily feel that I belong where I am right now, but at least we have eliminated one of the possibilities...there are still lots of towns in this world. One down....gabazillions to go. If He wants to eliminate them one at a time...I am game...

From a sunburned, relaxed, and enlightened child of His....Amen!

Friday, April 07, 2006

Anxious Faith

First, I need to address something to my fellow LBY studiers. As I am in the midst of learning about myself, and combating the demons that I have known my whole life, I need to tell you all that I am going back to square one with my Christian walk. Rest assured that I will still be doing the LBY study, but that I need to do it on my own schedule. After a long discussion with Therapist last night, I need to go back to "baby steps". The study is a bit much for my anxious mind at this point. I hope that you will all continue to stop by, but my post might not necessarily be in regards to our study. I need to take it all one day at a time. So, if you feel the need to remove me from the LBY list, I TOTALLY understand...I just need to commit myself to the smaller steps of Christianity at this point.

On to the lessons of therapy. I am so thankful that Therapist is a Christian, and that she can help me with all of this. We relate EVERYTHING to God, and His plan for me...that I have trouble waiting for.

I walked into therapy last night with a list of questions. She doesn't necessarily give me answers, but helps me to understand the whys.

1. About Therapist: How do you change gears from one appointment to the next? (This has been bothering me for quite some time) Her response was...it is God. He allows her mind to change gears very quickly, and focus her attentions on the person who needs His help through her the most at that moment. Pretty cool.

2. Do hormones play a role in depression? YES!!!!! After months of the cycle of lost and found, anger and acceptance, it is very clear to me that women's hormones can affect their actions, words, and thoughts...sometimes sending them into a downward spiral. 28 days from now - you will probably hear me screaming....God is bigger than the hormones!

3. Why can't I pray? I cannot finish a prayer, I haven't said Amen to one of my own prayers in MANY years. This is where an anxious mind falls easily to the ways of sin. My mind races. I cannot control it. If I cannot pray in 3 seconds, I won't finish it...which makes me feel as if I am sinning...which makes my mind take off....(this is why the LBY Bible study is so difficult for me right now) Baby steps...I am going to take one verse per week and memorize it. Repeat it as often as I can. Baby steps.

4. Why do I see every thing as black and white? Why does the light have to be off or on? ANXIETY will push you for answers...anxiety will make you impatient for a black or white answer...anxiety will make you unable to hear or see God's plan. Anxiety is a fancy word for impatience. How do I overcome this? Name it, call it what it is, when anxiety pushes for an answer, admit that is what is happening, and decipher if I am being anxious or not. Decipher when I am hanging on to anxious thoughts because I want a certain outcome, or if I am accepting reality.

IT'S NOT ABOUT ME!!! It is about Him! Listening, waiting, protecting, honoring. By honoring myself (protecting the little girl), I am honoring Him.

I might someday write a book about all of this...if I can ever slow down enough to actually write something like that...it might be a VERY short book if I wrote it now. Can you call it a book if it is only three sentences????

For today...God does not respond to what we do, we respond to what He does.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Images in my head

First, I need to scream...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

OK, a little better.

I promised myself that I would not lie on here, or hide ANYTHING...so I am out there, real, trying to work through everything. So...think what you will...this is me today.

My mind is the devil's playground as of late. I have lots of images running through my head. I am a very visual person, and Therapist has asked me to paint these, but the thought of making them THAT real is terrifying to me...so I will write about them.

1. I have the ability to "turn of the light" and "walk into the next room" leaving a person that hurt me in a dark place in my mind that I will not return to. I recently turned the light off on the Long Lost Valentine. He made me feel unimportant. My head - looks like a maze of dark and light red brick rooms. No ceilings, no windows, just the doors that I enter and leave through. The hardest part, I see more dark rooms than light. I have done this with my father, my best friend from High School, my ex-husband, ex-boyfriends, and have threatened to do it with my mother. One might think that I have the ability to hold a grudge...nope, that is not it. These people don't exist to me anymore. I seldomly think of them.

2. In the movie, "When a Man Loves a Woman", the wife is a struggling alcoholic...there is a scene where she is fighting, kicking and screaming, hitting her husband, and he just holds her. Despite her flailing limbs, he won't let go. This is what I feel like with God. I continue to fight. I kick, I scream, and he just holds me. Sometimes I feel Him, sometimes I don't. Today...nothing.

3. The sheep. The lost sheep tangled in barbed wire, writhing in pain. The sheep is black and it is the darkest of night. I see the blood.

I know that I need to lie down and wait, stop fighting. It is very hard to do when you see what is going through my head....the monster that is anxiety and satan is dark...I see him as a black image that crosses the path in my mind in the distance...stalking, waiting.

So there you have it...my darkness. Please pray for me.

Get Back Up

Yesterday was hard. I was sad, defeated, lost, etc. I talked to one of my friends yesterday. She quickly reminded me that I have better days when I go to church on Sunday, and when I go walking in the evening...she is so right. We walked last night. I feel better today, not fabulous, but better.

I got up this morning and prepared to do my Bible study...still no progress. I hopped on my trusty computer and started reading the daily devotion e-mails that I subscribe to. Better still. My mind is still reeling, but what I have learned in the past - garbage in, garbage out. I am very aware of the thoughts this morning and what they are focusing on. It is God, asking for forgiveness, getting back up. The songs that are running through my head this morning are cold comfort, but are far from garbage. I hear the words "I am a flower quickly fading , here today and gone tomorrow." and "Get back up, get back up." These may seem bleak to you, but they are parts of very sweet Christian songs. I have quit listening to regular radio. I listen to Christian radio and CD's...it is amazing how it sticks in my head. Thinking about this reminds me of a very sweet woman. Her name was Hettie Lou, and she ran the church camp that I attended every summer as a child. She was talking to us one day and said..."don't tell me that the music you listen to doesn't affect what you think...I hear you over there singing the lyrics..." Garbage in, garbage out.

Thanks Hettie Lou...wherever you are.

Monday, April 03, 2006

LBY Stuff

Well, we all know that I am an expert in the art of procrastination. Bible study is no different. I have to admit to you all that I have done exactly one and a half days of study. It's ok though, I am not so far behind that I cannot catch up...that is what I plan to do this evening.

To share what I have learned:
1. Women are inherently influential beings. How we use our influence depends on the kind of person that we are. Being in a sales position - I TOTALLY get this. I do not like the term salesman...it has an awful connotation in my mind. So, I prefer to call myself an educator. I have more knowledge of what I am selling than my consumer. So, I tell them exactly what they are looking at...good, bad, or ugly. As long as they know exactly what they are purchasing, I do not have to think that they are making an uneducated decision. Influence for good.

2. I DON'T UNDERSTAND - most of the things that the study is telling me. I do Bible studies to study the Bible...to learn things that I might have learned as a child, had my family been involved in a church. I have two Bibles that I use to study with. One might as well be written in Russian, the other doesn't have verses...only chapters. I am having a hard time understanding the point of everything. This is very dificult for me to admit as I am an educated adult, with understanding of LOTS of stuff....why can't I get this stuff. I feel like I need to join a Sunday School class - with Preschoolers. If anyone knows of something that can help with this "affliction" please let me know. I do not think my hiney would fit in those little chairs...even if the church would let me.

Ok, hitting the showers...Have a FABULOUS Monday!

LBY Stuff

Well, we all know that I am an expert in the art of procrastination. Bible study is no different. I have to admit to you all that I have done exactly one and a half days of study. It's ok though, I am not so far behind that I cannot catch up...that is what I plan to do this evening.

To share what I have learned:
1. Women are inherently influential beings. How we use our influence depends on the kind of person that we are. Being in a sales position - I TOTALLY get this. I do not like the term salesman...it has an awful connotation in my mind. So, I prefer to call myself an educator. I have more knowledge of what I am selling than my consumer. So, I tell them exactly what they are looking at...good, bad, or ugly. As long as they know exactly what they are purchasing, I do not have to think that they are making an uneducated decision. Influence for good.

2. I DON'T UNDERSTAND - most of the things that the study is telling me. I do Bible studies to study the Bible...to learn things that I might have learned as a child, had my family been involved in a church. I have two Bibles that I use to study with. One might as well be written in Russian, the other doesn't have verses...only chapters. I am having a hard time understanding the point of everything. This is very dificult for me to admit as I am an educated adult, with understanding of LOTS of stuff....why can't I get this stuff. I feel like I need to join a Sunday School class - with Preschoolers. If anyone knows of something that can help with this "affliction" please let me know. I do not think my hiney would fit in those little chairs...even if the church would let me.

Ok, hitting the showers...Have a FABULOUS Monday!