Monday, March 13, 2006

"Sacred Season"

Yesterday was a tough one. For some reason, Sundays always are for me.

At church, I started crying, I don't remember the song, and I don't even remember the words that tripped me, but it got me. I was talking to my friend before the service about my dilemma with accepting God as a father, and how I don't understand it, and my impatience for Him to work in my life in regards to dating and my career. When I started crying, I asked her to pass me back the sign in book. I checked the box next to my name that said I want to speak with a minister.

After church, still reeling from anxiety...which is worse on Sundays...I cleaned my room, detailed my car, and ate lunch...it was only 1 p.m. I had the whole rest of the day, to occupy. I have to occupy my time or I will sink into a depression that leads to an anxiety attack on Monday...at least that is my past experience. So, I decided to "get lost". I put the top down on my car, turned up my favorite CD, and DROVE. I drove to the middle of nowhere, singing at the top of my lungs, and focusing my attentions on Him. After two hours, I was so lost that I didn't know where to go next. I eventually found my way home...

What have I learned in the last 24 hours? Church was about Mark Chapter 8. God puts us through "seasons" of life. We are to submit (yield) to His will. I am in a difficult season in my life. My patience is countered by my anxiety and my attention hunger. There is a constant battle in my head. (When I am congested, it is actually worse, it feels like the two sides to my psyche are arguing, and they can't get out...I hate sinus problems.)

I have figured out that I have tried to put a time limit on my season...you can't do that. I have been thinking all along that I would get myself out of this at Easter. Well, I know that this season that I am in is not my control...I have to submit to Him. Then, and ONLY then, will the seasons change.

As we embark on Spring, take a look at the seasons of your life.

On a side note, you can't change people, you can't "fix" them, you can't rescue them. That is His right. I think I just needed to put that in writing.

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