Obsessing? Me?I am not ignoring you. I promise. I have had a rough week filled with anxiety. I went to therapy on Monday. I have been demoted...back to weekly appointments. I am struggling too much with my anxiety and obsessions. Obsessions? That is a new one...I don't like that word. Yep, obsessions. She dropped the bomb. I have always thought that I had an addictive personality...good thing I didn't do any "real" drugs in college...well this addictive personality is better defined as obsessive. AHHHHHH...anxiety reeling.
Why do I obsess? I am not sure. What do I obsess about? EVERYTHING! I obsess about my weight, my living situation, my career, my love life...or lack thereof. I have referred to myself as being "boy crazy". Well...guess what...I'm obsessive.
I have a new toy. It is a black rubber band that I wear around my wrist. Everytime I obsess about something, I am to "pop" my wrist. IT HURTS! My wrist is swollen, and red. I am seeing how much I let my thoughts carry me away in the wrong directions though. For those of you that are into the whole psychiatry thing...this is a tool derived from the Pavlov's dogs' experiments. Yeah, I am now an experiment. It helps...but it still hurts.
And now, for the rest of the story....the beginning of the "Chronicles of Momia".
She stopped by my work on Wednesday. She brought me my mail. I haven't seen her in a few weeks...by choice...which she quickly pointed out. I explained to her that I am "hiding"...from everyone. As we talked, I really listened to her...something I don't often do. I remembered something from therapy that caught my attention. MY MOM IS OBSESSIVE/COMPULSIVE...so, I come by this honestly...not sure if it is a genetic thing, but ya know. I went over to her house on Thursday...was in that part of town and had some time to waste...she wasn't home...I wouldn't have stopped had she been there. I logged onto her computer...and I know, this is nosy, but I looked in her sent items. I started reading them. The first thing that I noticed is that almost all of her sent items had been re-read. She obsesses. One thing that I found out, she is plotting to take early retirement and receive short and long term disability...for an injury that I am sure is a product of her imagination...I am disappointed.
All women struggle not to be like their mothers in one way or another. I wrestle with this every day. Wait, no, I obsess about this every day. So, how do you change? You name your issues. Call them what they are.....not boy crazy...obsessive. Name the demons....anxiety. Understand your thoughts so that you can weed through the ones that are products of society or your demons. For example...the man that sits in church and has an unholy thought about the woman in the next row...he is not a bad person for having this thought...unless he obsesses about it....if he disregards it as the demons running through his mind, lets it go, then he will be ok. It is just a thought...nothing else. It doesn't mean that he wants to cheat on his wife or anything else, it doesn't make him a bad person....if he lets it go.
Since I am taking life one second at a time....I will let this too...go.