Facing the TruthWell, one of the reasons I wanted to start this blog was to deal with issues in my life. For those of you that know me, there are two things that I haven't written about all that much. It is time I started dealing with them.
I seek the attentions and affections of men...in case you haven't figured that out. I also am drawn to the types of men that I think can "take care of me". Well, the ones that I look to take care of me are always older, and in my opinion, more mature than I ever want to be. This is going to sound like a true therapy statement, but the reasons I look to older men is that they can fill a void in my heart...the one left by my father. He wasn't all that involved in my life, and when he was my memories are scarred by embarrassment and rejection. I do not recall much of my childhood. There are snippits of memories, but I do not recall feelings, even when I look at pictures. I never thought my dad liked me very much. I don't speak to him, and I don't care if I ever do again.
Why is this so pertinent to what I am going through? Well, God loves us like his children. I am very unsure of what that means. I do not have children, so I don't understand how He could love me like one. My parents are both so immature, that I feel as if I was their emotional parent...more so with my mom than with my dad, but you get the idea. Due to this, I constantly seek a worldly answer to my void. PERFECT EXAMPLE - I met a friend last night - someone who I have always thought of as an older advisor type role. I know him through work, he used to be a client, and has helped me in my career. I NEVER thought that there might be ANYTHING more than that. Well, we sat and talked and had a great time, and then he walked me to my car...and kissed me....I was SOOOOOOOOO FREAKED OUT!!! I had thought that he was like an adopted fatherly role...and I have never sent him any indications differently, but I guess we all have blinders on when we want something. So, does this add to the conflict? Yes, and I am hurt...again. The thing is, this does not just happen with older men, I do the same thing with men that I am actually interested in...that aren't old enough to be my father.
So you see, my dilemma. I want so desperately to be rescued of sorts, to have someone to "take care of me", but I do not understand how God loves me. I know that He does, but I just don't get it. I do not have a frame of reference of how He could love me as his child. Why do I seek a worldly frame of reference, why can't I just accept His love, and trust His will?
This is going to be MY year. I am going to straighten out MY life...not try to help anyone but me. Selfish, I know, but I am going to continue to not date, or to seek worldly attentions, I am going to struggle, and this is the longest sentence ever, but I HAVE to understand God and be accepting of His love and plan before I go any furthur down the spiral that is my life.
Coming soon, the Cronicles of Momia....oh, that shoud be a fun one..or four.
Thank you for your continued prayers. And if you know of ANYONE that might have some advice, or has been in a similar position, please let me know. Love you!