Friday, March 10, 2006

Facing the Truth

Well, one of the reasons I wanted to start this blog was to deal with issues in my life. For those of you that know me, there are two things that I haven't written about all that much. It is time I started dealing with them.

I seek the attentions and affections of men...in case you haven't figured that out. I also am drawn to the types of men that I think can "take care of me". Well, the ones that I look to take care of me are always older, and in my opinion, more mature than I ever want to be. This is going to sound like a true therapy statement, but the reasons I look to older men is that they can fill a void in my heart...the one left by my father. He wasn't all that involved in my life, and when he was my memories are scarred by embarrassment and rejection. I do not recall much of my childhood. There are snippits of memories, but I do not recall feelings, even when I look at pictures. I never thought my dad liked me very much. I don't speak to him, and I don't care if I ever do again.

Why is this so pertinent to what I am going through? Well, God loves us like his children. I am very unsure of what that means. I do not have children, so I don't understand how He could love me like one. My parents are both so immature, that I feel as if I was their emotional parent...more so with my mom than with my dad, but you get the idea. Due to this, I constantly seek a worldly answer to my void. PERFECT EXAMPLE - I met a friend last night - someone who I have always thought of as an older advisor type role. I know him through work, he used to be a client, and has helped me in my career. I NEVER thought that there might be ANYTHING more than that. Well, we sat and talked and had a great time, and then he walked me to my car...and kissed me....I was SOOOOOOOOO FREAKED OUT!!! I had thought that he was like an adopted fatherly role...and I have never sent him any indications differently, but I guess we all have blinders on when we want something. So, does this add to the conflict? Yes, and I am hurt...again. The thing is, this does not just happen with older men, I do the same thing with men that I am actually interested in...that aren't old enough to be my father.

So you see, my dilemma. I want so desperately to be rescued of sorts, to have someone to "take care of me", but I do not understand how God loves me. I know that He does, but I just don't get it. I do not have a frame of reference of how He could love me as his child. Why do I seek a worldly frame of reference, why can't I just accept His love, and trust His will?

This is going to be MY year. I am going to straighten out MY life...not try to help anyone but me. Selfish, I know, but I am going to continue to not date, or to seek worldly attentions, I am going to struggle, and this is the longest sentence ever, but I HAVE to understand God and be accepting of His love and plan before I go any furthur down the spiral that is my life.

Coming soon, the Cronicles of Momia....oh, that shoud be a fun one..or four.

Thank you for your continued prayers. And if you know of ANYONE that might have some advice, or has been in a similar position, please let me know. Love you!

1 Comments:

At 12:23 AM, Blogger momrn2 said...

You said..."This is going to be MY year. I am going to straighten out MY life...not try to help anyone but me. Selfish, I know. "

Hardly selfish!! You deserve and need to focus on YOU! To get ourselves to a healthy place is not selfish in any sense of the word! It's the best thing we can do for ourselves. I know personally!!!

You have been so open, candid, and vulnerable here. I appreciate that and am willing to "walk" with you through this! Saying a prayer for you!

Do not give up on yourself or give in to others. You need to focus on YOU and on the relationship that God wants to have with you! He really does you know!!

Check out Zephaniah 3:17 for starters. And John 3:16. He gave His life for you because of His love for you!!!

I am personally in the process of being reminded I can't always rely on my feelings relating to God... sometimes it just comes down to trusting what we know of Him! Start with His Word... the BIBLE. Promises and Words of Love Galore!

Hang in there!!!

 

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