Friday, March 31, 2006

Okie Dokie Artichokie

Therapy...again...am I really paying her to tell me these things? Yes, I am. I am trying to figure out who I am. To weed through all the stuff an figure out why I act certain ways, change some of those ways, and see the REAL me. I have lived as a masked crusader for so long, that trying to see what makes ME happy is somewhat difficult.

Some of the words used in the hour long session yesterday:
Co-Dependence (given)
Obsessive Behavior (understood)
Passive Aggressive (the new one)
Smart Aleck (check)
Lost (got it)
God (know Him, but where is He?)
Faith (hmmm...heard it before...do I have it?)

Those are some BIG words...and to all be used in an hour, you can imagine the look on my face as I drove home.

The encouraging things that we talked about...the stuff that I am doing "right"? Well, I am aware of these things...moreso than I was even a month ago. I am not motivated by money...you can't take it with you. I would rather a pat on the back. I like to know that I am valued, and that I am doing a good job. I like to know that I am doing what is right, by all parties involved. That I have done everything in my power to preserve the rule of "do unto others as you would have them do unto you".

The point...there is something that He has planned for me. I feel like it is coming soon...to a blog near you. Therapist reassures me that there is something that He has planned for me that is AMAZING. I feel like I know what it is...there is a business proposition/plan in the works by a former vendor of mine whose view of doing what is right is on target with mine. Things that I have felt were an emergency to have happen in my life are dissipating. (marriage, kids, house...etc.) I am becoming very comfortable with my position in life...because of this business proposition. I cannot divulge the intricacies of the plan, BUT...there is a 75% chance that I will get a phone call in June asking me to quit my job and come be a part of something great...I will know more in late April, but the outlook is VERY good.

Bubba, Auntie and Uncle M's...I would like to arrange a meeting with the involved parties...I trust your business sense...and I know that she and I would REALLY appreciate some "free" advice...the least I could do is buy you a nice dinner. (Maybe I should have sent you an e-mail instead...oh well...too lazy to delete)

Ok, signing off for today. Good Luck and God Bless.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Clean Room, Clear Mind

The only person who will truly understand how cluttered my room can get is my brother...he will get a kick out of this.

I have been trying, as hard as I can to do my new Bible study...today, I finally made it through Day 1. I get up every morning, fix my coffee, and start my reading. I make it about two sentences in before my mind takes off. Once this happens...forget it...no more reading. Well, my room has been PILED full of clothes...to the point that I fell over them getting up yesterday....pretty sad, I know. Therapist has been telling me that I need to sort the clutter...in my mind...in order to be able to think more clearly. Well, I have been trying to do that...very hard to do. I cleaned my room last night...totally clean...and was able to focus this morning. Coincidence, I think not. See, I live in a black and white world...all or nothing. If my room is cluttered, it is VERY cluttered. The same is true in my head. What I have learned is that I need to keep the world around me free from clutter to help keep the anxiety monster at bay. This being said...the pile of papers on my desk will be addressed today, the filing and mail sorting will be done tonight, and tomorrow...I will be able to complete another day of Bible study.

With regards to how this all affects the anxiety monster and my work? I went to work yesterday...I thought I was prepared to deal with the day....ended up ARGUING, almost to the point of yelling, with my manager...BAD IDEA. I apologized, and I am very thankful that she is a forgiving woman of God who has had her own struggles with anxiety. She understands that sometimes, I am not just myself.

On another note...I have a quote to share...Bubba, this is for you!
"Get busy livin', or get busy dyin'."

Sunday, March 26, 2006

One Newspaper, 8 Blogs, and Half a Pot of Coffee

Sundays...we all know these are difficult for me. Well, after a balloon popping Saturday, I am having a quiet Sunday. Quiet...in my mind, not the world around me. Skipping church today...just needed some time to myself...alone...with Him.

Why did the balloon pop? Well, anticipation filled it up, anxiety/obsession pissed it off, and (drumroll please) God intervened. He didn't pop my balloon, but He showed me a very valuable lesson about obsession. I had been waiting all week for a dear friend to come visit. Worldly circumstance made it impossible, and I got angry, and hurt. Obsession took over, and I am pretty sure that it pissed off my friend, and that is why the visit didn't happen...or did it? I am not sure, (that is the obsession, self-deprecating, blaming part of my anxious mind). I then started down the dangerous road of self-destruction...cause that is the pattern I tend to repeat, and here He came. He put up the road blocks...no one wanted to self-destruct with me....THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!! It hurt last night, but I woke up this morning with a clearer view of yesterday's occurrences. Pretty cool...at least for me.

Then back to this morning. I LOVE my friends. They are the family that I choose. I love my family too, don't get me wrong. Reading blogs this morning, I am reminded of the fact that I AM NOT ALONE...there are LOTS of people struggling to "HEAR" Him. I knew this, but misery loves company, right? I am praying for my friends, and for myself. I pray that He intervenes, when He is ready, and that we can lie down, tangled in the barbed wire, hold each other's hands, and be quiet enough to hear Him. Christian fellowship CAN be found on the internet...in a world of strangers.

Broken, Praying, and Quiet....I love you!!!

Friday, March 24, 2006

Need vs. Want

Have you ever explored the difference between need and want? It is easier when you think about worldly possessions, but when you are deciphering the deeper issues in your life, the difference between the two is not so discernible.

I often say that I need to be needed. Well, in actuality, it is that I need to be wanted. I don't want to be wanted, but I need to be wanted. The ultimate goal is to want to be wanted. Casting Crowns...again...has a song that says...How refreshing to know you don't need me, How amazing to find that you want me. See the difference?

Now, in terms of my life...I AM NEEDY!!! I am trying to decipher between need and want with my relationships on earth and in heaven. It is VERY difficult to see the difference...especially when broken people attract other broken people...and the only people that I hang out with are as broken as I am. When someone calls you and says "I need you", my response is to drop everything and be at their beckon call. When they say "I want you", my response is to run...I equate want with smothering...AHHH what a whirlwind cycle.

Therapy yesterday...HATE therapy in the middle of the day. I felt like I outstretched my arms, hands properly facing the world...and said...Hang on...I gotta go to therapy. Trying to pause the world to work on myself...not fun. Did the world outside stop while I was in there...nope, sure didn't. So, we are back to weekly appointments...in the evening...oh thank you to said therapist for understanding! Ok, back to the point. Man, she hit me like a ton of bricks..again...she is so good at that..and yet, I keep going, and paying her to do it...that is truly screwed up...oh well...

Let's try again...(do you see how the anxious mind can take over...it is like ADD...but only in your head.) We talked about my two closest male friends in this world. (There, back on track) She was very quick to point out that if either of them were interested in anything progressing forward, they would have done so by now...AHHHHHH...did she really have to say that...there goes the balloon...shooting around the room...losing it's air. She also pointed out that I am hanging onto unreasonable things...reading too much into statements that have double meanings...and I take them the wrong way. Aaaaannnnndddd...full cirlce....to give an example of this....and these are her words...not necessarily something I have experienced.....when a man says "I want you"...out loud...it usually has a sexual connotation...women have a tendency to equate this to some sort of love...but it has NOTHING to do with love. It is just sex. When a man says "I need you" it is like a child needs a mother. Now, I am smart enough to know that these statements are not ALWAYS true to that, but I am closer to understanding the difference. So, my two closest male friends are just that...friends. They both tell me they love me...which screws with my head, but I know that it is because they care about my well being...and they want me to be happy...just as I do for them. What does this all prove??? The movie When Harry Met Sally is TOTALLY wrong...men and women CAN be friends...ok, I have to run, I have started the fire on the porch...off to burn my copy of When Harry Met Sally....

Have a good day! Oh..and I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Why I LOVE blogs

I have been having a pretty good week. Nothing too exciting. Working two jobs, occupying my mind with my obsessions, thinking of my conflicted mother...you know the drill. Well, this morning, I work up and began my morning "quiet time" ritual. I am reading the New Testament. It was a toughy today. Made me feel VERY bad for the life that I am living...or at least the one that is in my head.

After Sunday's church service, I have been thinking a lot about repentance. In order to be forgiven, we must apologize. We must ask for forgiveness. If we wonder if we are forgiven, does that mean we aren't? (lie down, quit struggling)

Well, post bible time every morning, I have blog time. I read others people's posts..you know, like catching up with my friends. I often stop by one called My Quiet Corner. (http://momrn2.blogspot.com/) Bam...she got hit with a 2x4. I know oh so well what that feels like.

Kinda cool how a stranger can help us to remember what we already know.

Thanks, to my favorite momrn2!

Oh, and on another note...sorry for being the "lurker"...sometimes it is nice to be a quiet observer.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Notes

I am putting these on here for me...not you. I re-read my blog often...more often then I re-read my notes from therapy...so, read if you want, or don't. This is for me.


Lie Down and wait. Lie down and wait. Don’t struggle with the fence, just lie down and wait. God’s hand will rescue you. Lie down and wait. He is your father, and he loves you deeply, lie down and wait for Him. Lie down and wait.
Don’t fight, give up, give up to Him, lie down and wait. Lie down and wait. Give up, give up the fight. Lie down and wait. Visualize yourself wrapped in barbed wire, SUBMIT. Lie down and wait. Don’t just say what you think they need /want to hear. Lie down and wait.
Pictures to remember,: the sheep in the fence. The light and warmth of His presence.
The anxiety will fight the fence. Lie down and wait. The whole world doesn’t need to know. The only one who needs to hear is Him. Lie down and wait. YIELD, SUBMIT. WAIT for Him. Lie down and wait. Let the thoughts go, don’t listen to them. Lie down and wait. The calm will come. Lie down and wait.

Found on Yahoo Personals...sent to me from Tim
Author Unknown:
What makes you think that just because I am an Attractive woman of
Godly intelligence
That I'm incomplete without a mate?
Who told you that
Without a man Something's missing
From my life?
And if so,
What would that be?
Love?
I love myself
And more importantly
I love the Lord
He told me that when I delight in Him,
He will give me the desires of my heart
Security?
I have everything I need according to His riches in glory.
Intimacy?
Now, how's a man going to get to know me
When he doesn't even know who he is in the Lord
See my Father told me I'm above a ruby's worth
And a gem does not seek
It is sought
I'm single and that's all right with me
See,it's not that I oppose relationships
It's that I detest co-dependency
As a woman I know it is not my role
To chase after any man
Esther 2:14reads That I am to wait on my king and when he's delighted
in me.
He will call me by my name.
My Lord does not intend for me to be needy or desperate.
I am to be Cherished, Relished, Valued, and Honored,
It's not my job to convince him
Or Convict him of that,
My mate will already know it
And consistently show it
And he will stay on his knees daily
Not just to adore me
But to praise the Lord for
The virtuous woman he has found
So, when you see me by myself
I'm not alone
I know what I have coming to me
I'm single and saved, and right now that's all I need to be. God bless.

I don't agree with the whole poem, but it is not mine, but it is nice to "hear".

Friday, March 17, 2006

Obsessing? Me?

I am not ignoring you. I promise. I have had a rough week filled with anxiety. I went to therapy on Monday. I have been demoted...back to weekly appointments. I am struggling too much with my anxiety and obsessions. Obsessions? That is a new one...I don't like that word. Yep, obsessions. She dropped the bomb. I have always thought that I had an addictive personality...good thing I didn't do any "real" drugs in college...well this addictive personality is better defined as obsessive. AHHHHHH...anxiety reeling.

Why do I obsess? I am not sure. What do I obsess about? EVERYTHING! I obsess about my weight, my living situation, my career, my love life...or lack thereof. I have referred to myself as being "boy crazy". Well...guess what...I'm obsessive.

I have a new toy. It is a black rubber band that I wear around my wrist. Everytime I obsess about something, I am to "pop" my wrist. IT HURTS! My wrist is swollen, and red. I am seeing how much I let my thoughts carry me away in the wrong directions though. For those of you that are into the whole psychiatry thing...this is a tool derived from the Pavlov's dogs' experiments. Yeah, I am now an experiment. It helps...but it still hurts.

And now, for the rest of the story....the beginning of the "Chronicles of Momia".

She stopped by my work on Wednesday. She brought me my mail. I haven't seen her in a few weeks...by choice...which she quickly pointed out. I explained to her that I am "hiding"...from everyone. As we talked, I really listened to her...something I don't often do. I remembered something from therapy that caught my attention. MY MOM IS OBSESSIVE/COMPULSIVE...so, I come by this honestly...not sure if it is a genetic thing, but ya know. I went over to her house on Thursday...was in that part of town and had some time to waste...she wasn't home...I wouldn't have stopped had she been there. I logged onto her computer...and I know, this is nosy, but I looked in her sent items. I started reading them. The first thing that I noticed is that almost all of her sent items had been re-read. She obsesses. One thing that I found out, she is plotting to take early retirement and receive short and long term disability...for an injury that I am sure is a product of her imagination...I am disappointed.

All women struggle not to be like their mothers in one way or another. I wrestle with this every day. Wait, no, I obsess about this every day. So, how do you change? You name your issues. Call them what they are.....not boy crazy...obsessive. Name the demons....anxiety. Understand your thoughts so that you can weed through the ones that are products of society or your demons. For example...the man that sits in church and has an unholy thought about the woman in the next row...he is not a bad person for having this thought...unless he obsesses about it....if he disregards it as the demons running through his mind, lets it go, then he will be ok. It is just a thought...nothing else. It doesn't mean that he wants to cheat on his wife or anything else, it doesn't make him a bad person....if he lets it go.

Since I am taking life one second at a time....I will let this too...go.

Monday, March 13, 2006

"Sacred Season"

Yesterday was a tough one. For some reason, Sundays always are for me.

At church, I started crying, I don't remember the song, and I don't even remember the words that tripped me, but it got me. I was talking to my friend before the service about my dilemma with accepting God as a father, and how I don't understand it, and my impatience for Him to work in my life in regards to dating and my career. When I started crying, I asked her to pass me back the sign in book. I checked the box next to my name that said I want to speak with a minister.

After church, still reeling from anxiety...which is worse on Sundays...I cleaned my room, detailed my car, and ate lunch...it was only 1 p.m. I had the whole rest of the day, to occupy. I have to occupy my time or I will sink into a depression that leads to an anxiety attack on Monday...at least that is my past experience. So, I decided to "get lost". I put the top down on my car, turned up my favorite CD, and DROVE. I drove to the middle of nowhere, singing at the top of my lungs, and focusing my attentions on Him. After two hours, I was so lost that I didn't know where to go next. I eventually found my way home...

What have I learned in the last 24 hours? Church was about Mark Chapter 8. God puts us through "seasons" of life. We are to submit (yield) to His will. I am in a difficult season in my life. My patience is countered by my anxiety and my attention hunger. There is a constant battle in my head. (When I am congested, it is actually worse, it feels like the two sides to my psyche are arguing, and they can't get out...I hate sinus problems.)

I have figured out that I have tried to put a time limit on my season...you can't do that. I have been thinking all along that I would get myself out of this at Easter. Well, I know that this season that I am in is not my control...I have to submit to Him. Then, and ONLY then, will the seasons change.

As we embark on Spring, take a look at the seasons of your life.

On a side note, you can't change people, you can't "fix" them, you can't rescue them. That is His right. I think I just needed to put that in writing.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Facing the Truth

Well, one of the reasons I wanted to start this blog was to deal with issues in my life. For those of you that know me, there are two things that I haven't written about all that much. It is time I started dealing with them.

I seek the attentions and affections of men...in case you haven't figured that out. I also am drawn to the types of men that I think can "take care of me". Well, the ones that I look to take care of me are always older, and in my opinion, more mature than I ever want to be. This is going to sound like a true therapy statement, but the reasons I look to older men is that they can fill a void in my heart...the one left by my father. He wasn't all that involved in my life, and when he was my memories are scarred by embarrassment and rejection. I do not recall much of my childhood. There are snippits of memories, but I do not recall feelings, even when I look at pictures. I never thought my dad liked me very much. I don't speak to him, and I don't care if I ever do again.

Why is this so pertinent to what I am going through? Well, God loves us like his children. I am very unsure of what that means. I do not have children, so I don't understand how He could love me like one. My parents are both so immature, that I feel as if I was their emotional parent...more so with my mom than with my dad, but you get the idea. Due to this, I constantly seek a worldly answer to my void. PERFECT EXAMPLE - I met a friend last night - someone who I have always thought of as an older advisor type role. I know him through work, he used to be a client, and has helped me in my career. I NEVER thought that there might be ANYTHING more than that. Well, we sat and talked and had a great time, and then he walked me to my car...and kissed me....I was SOOOOOOOOO FREAKED OUT!!! I had thought that he was like an adopted fatherly role...and I have never sent him any indications differently, but I guess we all have blinders on when we want something. So, does this add to the conflict? Yes, and I am hurt...again. The thing is, this does not just happen with older men, I do the same thing with men that I am actually interested in...that aren't old enough to be my father.

So you see, my dilemma. I want so desperately to be rescued of sorts, to have someone to "take care of me", but I do not understand how God loves me. I know that He does, but I just don't get it. I do not have a frame of reference of how He could love me as his child. Why do I seek a worldly frame of reference, why can't I just accept His love, and trust His will?

This is going to be MY year. I am going to straighten out MY life...not try to help anyone but me. Selfish, I know, but I am going to continue to not date, or to seek worldly attentions, I am going to struggle, and this is the longest sentence ever, but I HAVE to understand God and be accepting of His love and plan before I go any furthur down the spiral that is my life.

Coming soon, the Cronicles of Momia....oh, that shoud be a fun one..or four.

Thank you for your continued prayers. And if you know of ANYONE that might have some advice, or has been in a similar position, please let me know. Love you!

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Just don't have a title today

Well, it is official, I have become a full-fledged resident of the blogging world. I LOVE it! I wish I could physically move to a fictitious town in my mind named Blogs for God, USA.

I don't have much to post today...I missed therapy last night...TOTALLY forgot....this is what happens when the schedule is changed on a creature of habit...

I do have one thing to add today. I was talking to my long lost valentine last night. (I am going to have to give him a name...llv is just too long to type) Anyway, he is so conflicted. He is conflicted about his divorce, about his life, about his choices, about the difference between scientific proof vs. God...I tried to "minister" to him...since I am a broken messenger, it was difficult to relay what I am going through...I don't think he heard me. Please pray for him.

Oh, and I know you are out there...reading my blog...I have the site meter now....LEAVE A COMMENT!!! Don't you see the address to this blog..."DOES ANYBODY HEAR HER"?????? You can remain anonymous...just let me know you are out there...please. I am begging now...pretty please....it would really bring me great joy to know that God's party in my "boat with many holes" is not a party of one.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Restless Faith

Did you notice my absence yesterday? Well, I have actually been absent since Saturday. Everytime I slide away from God, I start to feel all of my old feelings coming back. I know what I am to do to get back, yet I still slide. I think that we all face challenges, and our reactions to those affects us very deeply. Being a black and white person, I can now see the ramifications of my actions and thoughts much more quickly. I slid. I wanted to fill a void in my life this past weekend, and I looked to worldly pleasures to do it. A song that I LOVE says...I went and made the world my friend and it left me high and dry. Daddy here I am.

So...today, I woke up, and my mind was racing...as usual...to so many different things. I was obsessing about a boy, I was obsessing about work..and pretty much everything else. I forced myself out of bed and came down to do my bible study...well, I did half of it before it had given me so much to think about that I had to just marinate for awhile...that is what I am doing now...marinating.

In the 15 minutes that I was studying, this is what I learned.

"Hard times come, either derailing us from the mission or making us stronger and more committed to following through with what God asks of us."

"The greatest challenge of all might be getting used to the fact that His assignments are different than the plans we had for ourselves."

"Basically, Jacob's desires were for the things of God--he wanted spiritual blessing. God knew this, and He worked to bring out the best in Jacob, even though Jacob often ran ahead and used carnal methods to attain spiritual blessing. "

All of this being said...I had forgotten why I gave up dating for Lent. I remember now. I have a restless faith. I pray that I can learn to have "rest" in Him and find peace in His will.

"Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart" (Ps. 37:4).

Monday, March 06, 2006

El Presidente to 4-Wheelin

Ok, well, I didn't think I was going to post this, but it is too funny not to share. I went to an all girl party on Saturday night...lots of fun, but disastrous to my efforts to not drink...we all slip every once in awhile...merely a speed bump right...well, please don't judge me for this...see the humor in it all.

Well, anytime you get that many girls together - there were 15 of us - you are eventually going to go out looking for men...right? Well, after we finished off the wine...we headed out on the town...first stop - piano bar. I had enough to drink, so I let someone else drive my car....something I would NEVER do! We parked, and walked to the bar. Upon entering, I noticed several guys in tuxes...post wedding party. Well, as I looked closer, they were all friends of mine from High School...it is such a small world...I talked and listened, and drank entirely too much...but still managed to maintain my Scarlett O'Hara charm. Well, they turned the lights on in the bar...that is my cue that it is time to go...and one of my dear friends left with me to insure that I was safe...well, since I hadn't driven...I HAD NO IDEA WHERE MY CAR WAS!!!! Oh this was very bad...long story short, I ended up staying at the Peabody Hotel...in the PRESIDENTIAL SUITE...for the price of a regular room!!!!!! Glad I did to...I know better than that...but THE PRESIDENTIAL SUITE!!!!!

On to Sunday..woke up...took a shower in one of the three bathrooms..and laid around until checkout time...still not knowing where my car was..I made some phone calls, and a friend came to pick me up...she found out where my car was ...and rescued me from walking aimlessly through downtown trying to find my car. Well, I felt the need to share my story with someone, so I called my long lost valentine, and I think he might have wet himself laughing at me. We ended up at his dad's house riding the four wheeler....something I have NEVER done...it was SOOOOOOOOO cool...and to add to the irony...you can imagine how cute I look by this time...no makeup, and clearly damaged from the festivities of the previous night...we were riding through a VERY exclusive part of town...I had on my sorority letters, a hat, and was riding the back of a 4 wheeler...was I really the same person who woke up in the Presidential Suite at the Peabody that same morning???

Well, it was a FUN weekend...no regrets, I made the choices....and believe me and my migrain, I am still paying for them. We all slip sometimes...merely a speedbump in my quest....

Saturday, March 04, 2006

The Party

Have you ever been to a party and tried to do everything that you could to help the host or hostess? Well, my bible study today made a GREAT reference to this.

Our "callings" are referenced as invitations..to His party. We are invited guests...not host assistants. We are invited to share in His party...with NO obligation to clean the kitchen, or refill the cheese tray. We are not being selfish by sitting and enjoying the company of His guests...it is what He wants. (I always wondered why He is called the Host of Hosts)

Consequently, my study also talked about what are role as His ambassadors is. (Hope that is not incorrect grammar...oh well.) A thought popped into my head about why I am truly sharing all of this with you in my blog...I have always thought that it was purely selfish of me...just getting things off my chest. I have been using this as an exercise for therapy. I am trying to wrap my mind around the concept that we are not to do things of this such for personal gain. Wow, this is difficult. We are to minister to others, as ambassadors of His. I pray that I am led to know that I am not being an ambassador of Melissa, but of God.

And...full circle...I wrote several days ago about riding the wave of anxiety back to the shore...my study today also referenced a wave...WEIRD! "Stop riding your own dreams....ride the tide of My plan for you."

Today...I am dawning my party hat and my wet suit. Enjoy the festivities, and ride His wave.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Starving

This morning, I finished my bible study series on Hunger. Today, it was Hungry for His Power. I prayed this morning that I could be STARVING, for His Power, His presence, His word, His peace, and His direction.

I also realized something...I have always had a hard time understanding the bible. Today, something clicked. It spoke to me. I have 5 more lessons in my study...that has gone on for quite some time. I look forward to finishing it, and then to begin reading...I mean REALLY reading the Bible.

I plan on spending the remainder of Lent in reflection, and contemplation. I want to LEARN about God, understand His teachings and apply them to my life.

Giving up dating has already proven to be difficult. I am having a hard time deciphering between what I can and cannot do...can I talk to the boys that I have been seeing? Can I hang out with them? Last night, I avoided all contact. I will pray for His direction with this.

The funny part in all of this? There are several people in my life that do not understand. It is not necessarily that that they aren't Christians. One person told me not to put all my eggs in one basket (funny because I remember my brother saying this to me regarding financial investments). Another told me that he hopes that I find what I am looking for. Another told me that although she doesn't feel the way that I do as far as the hunger issue, but she can see that I clearly need something. I am having a hard time trying not to "convert" those around me. I will pray for direction with this as well.

The song in my head...very mundane, and boring, but it is the chorus to a song...all I can hear is Hold me, come on now, Hold me.

I also have a visual picture that is in my head while I pray...I think it is pretty cool, and hope that it clears so that I might be able to replicate it in a painting...it is a static-filled (like when your t.v. doesn't get reception) of my arms spread open...and I see Jesus (with the face from a picture that hung in my paternal grandmother's den) with His arms open. It is still very fuzzy, but it keeps appearing when I pray. Pretty cool.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Day 1 - The Whisper

Well, I have done it. I went to church last night, and have given up dating for lent. Not just dating, or hanging out with my guy friends, but more given up my thoughts about dating. It has consumed me for so long that it was making me crazy. I have hurt some that I probably shouldn't have. I have paid attention to some that I know that I shouldn't have. So, for lent, I am giving it up. I learned a lot about the purpose of lent last night.

Jesus retreated into the wilderness for forty days to prepare for his ministry. He fasted, and it was a time of contemplation, reflection, and preparation. It is a solem time for me. During the sermon last night, I really listened. I wanted to make sure that by giving up dating, that I was hearing His voice. They said many things that reassured my decision. The purpose, in my own words, is to die to sin. Everytime the thought of something that we normally think about or do enters our mind, we are to surrender it. To die to it. We are to redirect our thought time that we would normally devote to this "sin" or guilty pleasure to God. To realize that we are being selfish when we let things that are worldly consume our minds and hearts. I confess that it has already been difficult for me. I know that it will only get harder, and that I might not succeed in this quest, but I am forgiven, and I know that I can get back up and look to Him. I am VERY excited about this. There are people in my life that are doubting my success with this, and that doesn't bother me. This is not a decision for anyone else, it is for Him. I have spent more time in the last 24 hours thinking about God than I have in the last two weeks. How amazing!

My mind, as usual, is racing today. I have another song running through my head. This is strange because I know that I have not heard this song for several days...pretty cool how God puts thoughts into our heads to let us know that He is in control. Today, it is another Casting Crowns song...or phrase from one of their songs.

But as the thunder rolls, I barely hear your whisper through the rain. "I'm, with you." And as your mercy calls, I pray the God that gives, and takes away.

I am not sure that those are the exact words of the song, but it is what I hear. Today, I hear the whisper.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

40 Days and 40 Nights

This will be a bit of a strange post. I am worn out. I am tired, I need rest. I need rest in Him. In my bible study today, it discussed seeking His presence. There were some great passages that went along with this. Definitely some things to ponder.

"God desires followers desperate for His presence: people who don't necessarily want his blessings, but want Him!"

"God shares our affliction, and we find our rescue in His Presence. If we will go to Him, He will give us rest. Only the lord can satisfy."

Today is Ash Wednesday. Although my lack of knowledge of this Holiday leaves me ignorant as to the true meaning, I do understand a little. I understand that we are to sacrifice something in His honor. I do not know my true motivation for this, but I am giving up dating for Lent. All dating. No new dates, no old dates, no touching, no nothing. I know that I will struggle, but I want to do this. I want to focus my attentions to Him, to thirst for Him. I am broken, and I feel like my free will is destroying me. A large part of this is my constant obsessions to have the attention and affections of men. So...tonight at church...I give it up. My blog might get incredibly boring over the next while....deal with it.

(If any of you have seen the movie 40 Days and 40 Nights....this is similar...but probably not nearly as funny.)

There is a song that has been running through my head for the last few days. I hear it when I wake, I hear it all day long, it is on repeat in my head. I can honestly say that I feel like the words are being piped into my mind for a reason.

I lift my eyes unto the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, maker of Heaven and Earth.

It is from Casting Crowns...not sure which song.

On a totally different note, I mistyped the word some....it came out so me. Hmmmmm might be analyzing that in a future post. Some...give some to God....so me.