Monday, February 27, 2006

The WRONG Path

I am having a REALLY hard day today...despite my efforts to run to God. My anxiety has been so active for the last three days that I have been medicating...well, today I just couldn't face the world. I went to work, for only a minute, then left in tears that I couldn't hold back. I don't understand what is going on in my life. I fell SOOO lost, so lonely, so unhappy, so less than. I am meeting my therapist for an emergency session. I had hope I wouldn't have to do this...I have been doing so well...what hooked me? What am I doing wrong that my body is attacking itstef? Why is my mind so scattered that I cannot have a clear thought. I feel like I need to be in a padded room. I want someone to rescue me. I look to God, and today it feels like it is so distant. I just want someone to hold me, to tell me it will be ok. I am fighting every urge in my body to run to a trusted friend in hopes of being held. have I done something so drasticaly wrong that I am being punished in this life? I don't recall killing anyone, or anything that bad, what have I done to deserve this?? Is this supposed to scare me back to God???

I feel like I have chosen the wrong path in my life on so many levels...and it all comes back to simple decisions I have made in my past. The job thing...well, I was told today that I need to seek entry level employment elsewhere...because I can not show my experience. It is a double edged sword...I cannot afford to go back to entry level...financially, emotionally...I hate this. I want to sart over. I want to run. I want to run away where no one knows me. I want to cry.

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