Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Safe Place

Below is a very sporadically written passage. It is my notes from therapy...yes, I take my computer to therapy...I know BIG DORK.

Reader's Digest Version: I have to look to myself to be my safe place. I have to rescue myself. All the while leaning on God to guide me as to what His will is.

When a negative comes up, it hooks me. Vague sense of being punished…if you could figure out what you have done wrong you could fix it…co dependence…much like your dad on your birthday. When you can’t feel him, you rely on what you know. You are lying to yourself that you are alone….he promises you joy, Are you sick of the dating? Are you boxing up what is on the inside because it hurts…..not knowing what you feel is feeding the anxiety, are you being honest, you are fighting the attachment and the attention hunger, in order to manage the anxiety, you have to be truly honest with your feelings. Learning how to trust Him when you can’t feel him. Learning how to stay and grow your roots deep…wait for the doors to open. Learning how to trust Him when you can’t see his hand…training yourself with self talk….no more stinking thinking. Identify thought processes…try not to be impulsive…which undermines your self esteem…KNOW YOURSELF…don’t let the anxiety make your decisions….are there patterns that I keep repeating…wisdom is learning from past mistakes….don’t make this a way of life. Who is my safe person? Nail your identity down with God, make him your first defense, stabilizing factor….unspoken fear…what is my guarantee that they will stay? God will, it takes awhile to feel that constant presence….sometimes you don’t feel him….see the anxiety like surfing…ride the wave back into shore….don’t listen to the brain noise…anxiety is so close to fear. Don’t Be Afraid, I will never leave you ever, I see you…Love God. You are God, and I am not.
Be observant of what calms the anxiety…bath, music, candles…be aware of your feelings…if you aren’t feeling anxious, what are you feeling…WRITE ABOUT IT. Need a healthy coping pattern….
On my way home, list all of the things that you are thankful for.

In case you cannot tell...my therapist is a very strong Christian...not just in words, but in practice. She often pauses to think...she is praying that God will give her the words to help me.

I don't know that I necessarily feel any better today, but I do have some useful tools to combat what I am feeling. I know how to give my mind a "break" in the middle of the rollercoaster of thought.

Oh....and my next venture....if I don't start exercising...these episodes will get worse...and I hate exercising...dag nabit.


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