Monday, February 27, 2006

Hunger Part Two

You will notice a theme over the next few days...if I am doing my bible study.

Yesterday, I spent a lot of time alone. I cleaned my room, cleaned out my closet, and was just ALONE for most of the day. By about four o'clock, I was tired of being alone. I made several phone calls to see if I could go do something fun with someone else. As usual, no response. As I lay in bed last night, I was making a futile attempt to pray. In my mind I was screaming. Help me, hold me. I realized that I had wasted some very valuable time yesterday being hungry for the wrong things. I was having attention hunger, attachment hunger. My anxiety has been getting the best of me lately. I could have spent the day with God. I could have been talking to Him while I was cleaning. Then I wouldn't have been alone. I wouldn't have had my worldly hungers. I have learned through therapy that identifying the problem or wrongdoing is half the battle....lesson learned. I don't want to go to bed screaming anymore. I want to know the calm that only He can bring me. I don't want to seek the attention of others to fulfill that hunger, I want Him to fulfill it. I can honestly say, today, that I know that there is a reason I am not in a romantic relationship with anyone....I am being taught a lesson...being forced to my knees to re-evaluate my hungers.

My bible study this morning was also about hunger....notice the theme??? It was about being hungry for His word. I have never really understood the bible. In my mind, it seems outdated, and I have a VERY difficult time relating it to my life, and understanding what it is saying. I have even gone as far as to read "The Message", which is a contemporary version...I still struggle. Today's lesson made a little sense. It explained that we should be hungry for His word. I have always thought that the bible should speak to me...about my life...and if you are living your life as Christ did, it does. In a sense, I guess I have always thought that the bible should be about me. What I have come to realize this morning is that it is...but not really. It is the biography of God and Jesus, and the world....if I am living my life as Christ lived His...then it would be about me. Since I am not, it doesn't feel that way. I am so very thankful that I have a clearer view of this. Am I hungrier for His word? I guess so...I am trying.

I am so very tired of screaming. I want so desperately to be heard...am I screaming in the wrong directions?

Can I be as hungry for Him as I have been for a sense of attachment and attention???

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