Thursday, February 09, 2006

Ba Ba Black Sheep

Here is Jesus' promise to you. "My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me. And I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; neither shall anyone snatch them out of My hand. My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of My Father's hand" (John 10:27-29).

I am not really sure why, but I have always considered myself to be a bit of a black sheep in my family. (and when I say family, I mean the grandchildren of my Grandmother) I guess it is because I am the only girl, the only divorced grandchild, the "reckless one". These are all MY thoughts. No one has ever given me any indication of this, but it is the role that I have put myself in. I insure that there are very few expectations of me with regards to my family. I tend to be present, emotionally and physically, only when it is convenient or necessary for me. I have also treated my Christian walk in the same way. There is ALWAYS something else to do, somewhere else to be. Maybe it goes back to my tendancy to run from the things that make me uncomfortable. I don't really know. The reason I tell you all of this is because I am reading a ten step process to "Get to know God" this morning. It is enlightening. What I found int he first two passages is that I KNOW that I am saved, and that God loves me. Much like I KNOW that my family loves me. The two entities love me no matter what I do, and I have taken advantage of that on many occasions. In this ten step process, the second step is to tell someone. Reader's Digest Version - share your news in hopes that they too might find God. Well, I also think that it is prudent to tell someone for an element of accountability. I have SO many wonderful, Christian influences in my life, that I feel like they do not need me to tell them the good news, but that in telling them about my good news, might be renewed in their own faith....and, selfishly, as usual, might add an air of accountability to my Chrisitanity.

I have a dear friend that I have been going to church with. She understands my motivations for doing things, and has been able to "make" me go to church with her. How does she do this? Well, she reminds me every week that we have a "date" on Sunday. She also uses her 18 month old son...who lights up when he sees me. She knows that I do not want to let her down, and that I love her son. This gets me to church every time, and once there, I am quickly reminded of the true reason that I am there. Would I go if she didn't do this to me? I am not sure, but at this point, anything to get me there is worth it. To my family and friends...I am admitting to you HOW TO GET MY ATTENTION...if you want my physical and emotional presence....make it so that I cannot run. I shouldn't be telling you this, because on many levels, it might seem like you are making me do something that you think I don't want to do...well, that is not the case. I love you all so much that I would stand in front of a speeding bus to save your lives. I have said once before that when given the option, I chose to be alone so that I don't have to put on my mask. Well, I am hanging up my mask. Packing it away, deep in the closet. Therapy is teaching me how to do this, and I am SOOOOOOO God, for leading me in this direction. I used to make "no promises", now I make these: I promise to love you, I promise to be present, I promise to make whatever sacrifice necessary to be a part of your lives. Please help me to be accountable to God, and to you.

I love you.


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