Monday, January 09, 2006

Purely Selfish

Given my circumstances, I have the right and/or curse to be very selfish in my lifestyle and decisions. This morning is a perfect example. I have the choice of writing another blogg, or doing my Bible study. Knowing the right answer to that predicament, here I sit. This being said, I am going to take this opportunity to tell you a little more about me. It is the selfish choice of my options, and I know this, but I also know that God is here with me.

When you have very few responsibilities, you can be very selfish in your choices. My current worldly responsibilities include, but are not limited to: paying my taxes, and well, that is pretty much it. I have bills to pay, so I go to work to a job that bears very little value other than money. Now, due to this (and by my conscious choice), I have the ability to live a somewhat carefree life, or at least it would seem this way to the people that do not know what I am going through and dealing with on a daily basis. I allow others to perceive this "image" that I have built. It is one of a strong, single, professional with an impractical car, nice clothes, and very little else to show for the fact that I have NO money.

And now, for the rest of the story. "Responsibilities with Higher Value", may have to be a whole other blogg, but I will try to keep it brief. I have a God, so I am responsible for living a good life. This life has been composed of a series of choices, some good, some bad. We all have this. This is where we have the ability to live a self-serving life, or to live a God-serving life. My choices have leaned more to the self-serving side for a majority. (ie. blogging vs. Bible study this morning) I also have responsibilities to friends and family. I want to be a good daughter/sister/granddaughter/friend. This seems to fight with the selfishness, but because my motivations tend to lean towards a perfect image of sorts that I am trying to portray, it becomes selfish again. Choosing to be lazy instead of spending time with loved ones is a choice I am often faced with, and I usually choose laziness. This is not to say that I am lazy, but that I would rather "hide" than be burdened with putting on my "image". All of this being said, there is a battle going on inside my head and heart that I am fighting. Why am I so self-serving? This is a question that crosses my mind almost every minute of every day.

I don't claim to be special, or expect special treatment. I live my life to the best of my ability. I am coming to accept that you cannot change another person, you can only modify yourself to deal with situations and circumstances. This ability is one that God has given us, it is what seperates us from the animals.

This blogg seems to be a little scattered as I look back over what I have written. I am not sure if that is because I haven't had enough coffee to think clearly this morning, or because the medication hasn't kicked in. I chose to leave this writing in this state. I will not go back and make changes to make it more clear. I was searching through some other blogs yesterday and stumbled across one that is written by a man with ADHD and or ADD. Very interesting. I will put the link on here when I figure out how to do it. I guess what I am saying here is that I have what my therapist calls an "anxiety disorder". For every one thought that most people have, I have an average of four - without medication. With medication....oh, and thank you medication, I can slow my mind to half that speed. Still fast, but palpable. Ok, back to the point. Selfishly I am telling you all of this BECAUSE (aren't you ready for some point?), I am in the early stages of "sorting" my life out with the help of God and MANY other people...some I even pay for. Whether anyone reads all of this is not important to me. It is theraputic for me to get all of this out of my mind...clearing the cobwebs if you will. Maybe someone will visit and have a better understanding for me, or someone that they love that has a lot on their "plate", and struggles to know God and themselves better. I am on a quest for deeper understanding of why I am here, this blogg is where I will share that quest.

If you are along for the ride, be sure your seatbelts are fastened, your tray tables are in the upright and locked position, and hold on...

P.S. I like to say little "catchy" things...please feel free to share yours with me...the one for today...hmmm...

To quote a song... "Keep your hands on the wheel, believe in the things that are real, take your time, and keep it between the lines."


At 11:55 AM, Blogger Non Stop Mommy said...

Im glad that you are getting stuff off your chest. Know that the lord will lead you in the correct path and that we will be there for you as well! Love ~ Smash

At 12:24 PM, Blogger Kim said...

I love you, girl. Keep it coming out... it's good for you, and for me, too. You are blessing me with your writing.

At 8:25 PM, Blogger Shannon said...

Call me if you want me to walk you through how to post links on the side.


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