Monday, January 30, 2006

Footprints

We all know the familiar poem about Footpirnts. The people in my life that have left footprints across my heart are referred to, in my own terminology, as Forever Friends. To define this furthur, they are family and friends that are so valuable to me that I will never forget them. I might lose touch for awhile, but they are always there. I trust them completely with my hopes and fears, and they never judge...or at least they don't tell me if they do.

I had the pleasure of spending the weekend with one of these such people in my life. We joke that we share a brain, but we kind of do. He is me in male form in many ways. I had not planned on writing about him, but he is too important to me not to share this amazing man. He has the ability to make you feel like you are the only other person in the world. He is kind, gentle, and genuine. I used to think this was all an act, but as we have gotten to know each other, I have come to realize that he is sincere. I knew from the moment that I met him that we would know each other forever in one capacity or another. If it is not God's will for us to be together, then we will always be close friends. That thought brings me great comfort. I tell you all of this because he is going through a rough spot in his life right now. I ask for your prayers for him.

I realize that when you put people on pedastals, they just fall off. But why dwell on the negative things of great people? We all have faults, it is how we deal with these that make us great in my mind. He is dealing with a HUGE strife, and although it is getting him down a bit, you would never know it. What a great ability.

To come full circle, his footprints on my life are treasures to me. I reflect about the time I spend with him and the things that he says often. For that, I thank him.

For my Forever Friends, I thank Him.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

The Challenge

I am very reflective today. I am at work, so this could be very bad for finances, but oh well.

I have realized that I have issues of self-importance, I have come to this by watching people around me, and their actions. To become aware of this, not very nice trait, in yourself is not fun. It is eye opening, and helps me to be more aware of myself. I have, through this, realized that I have to be challenged. I have to have a challenge to excel, or motivate myself. This is true in work as well as in relationships. When I am not challenged, I merely coast. I do as little as I have to in order to survive. This was VERY clear during my schooling. I was a decent student, but could've been much better. I chose to coast instead...until I was challenged. Well, my current job is not challenging. The only challenge that I face is doing everything that I can to make my manager HEAR me. In my opinion, she lives life with blinders on, and cannot hear. You would think that she is listening, but when it is time to take action, it is clear that she did not hear. I too struggle with this.

The point - I have applied for a MUCH more challenging job position, that will also aid in dealing with my self-importance issues. I currently feel like a monkey could do my job. I do not like that feeling. I know that we are all a dime a dozen in ANY position, but I struggle to not feel this way. I need the challenge to be motivated...and being in sales, motivation leads to money...which doesn't seem to motivate me...it is the chase of the sale and knowing that I have served my customers the absolute best that I can. That being said, I have been known to send customers to my competition, because I know their needs would be better served by their product options. This is detrimental to my bank account, but vital to my mind. It helps me to sleep at night. This new position will be a slow interview process, so I MUST be patient. Knowing what I do about it, it sounds perfect for me.

I am going to spend tonight praying that God's will is what is done, in this, and other situations in my life currently. I would appreciate your help with this. Prayers, or words of guidance, or words of confirmation that I am doing right. I can take constructive criticism as well.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Guilty Admission

This is not a bad thing, I promise...you will probably find it humorous.

Yesterday, I called in sick to work. Why, for probably the most vain thing I have ever uttered. I had a BAD HAIR DAY! My boss was privy to what was truly going on, and she laughed, but I missed work nonetheless.

Within the last week, my hair has become REALLY greasy at the root, to the point that running fingers through my hair was the most disgusting thing I could do. Yesterday, it was bad enough to call in to work, and make a frantic emergency hair appointment. The verdict...my hair is reacting to long use of cheap hair products, hormonal changes, and stress. I NEVER would have thought that this could occur. From the time I got home from therapy on Wednesday to the time I went to bed last night, my hair was washed 18 times. Two of those time included vinegar and baking soda. I also incurred some expense with all of this as I now have two shampoos that I am to mix together to wash my hair with every day. I tell you all of this because....I STILL SMELL LIKE VINEGAR!!!!! My hair is better, but not normal. I don't know that it will ever be normal again....stupid hormones.

If any of you have had something like this happen, or have a hairdresser that might know a trick, I would appreciate some help. At this point, I will be purchasing vats of lemon juice, baby shampoo (which is recommended because there are NO moisturizers in it), and vinegar to keep in my shower. Along with purchasing the two little bitty bottles of expensive shampoo, I will now have to tell potential suitors..."I can't go out with you tonight, I have to wash my hair." Maybe this is God's way of letting me know that I need to take better care of myself, and spend more time with Him. There is ALWAYS a silver lining to the story.

Take care, and Happy Shampooing!!!

Thursday, January 26, 2006

The TRUE Inner Child

"Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 18:3-4)

Thanks to another blogger, http://www.brokenmessenger.com/, I have an online daily devotional website. Today's lesson had very little to enlighten me today, so I went on a search for an older publishing. http://www.desiringgod.org/library/fresh_words/2005/062205.html This link is what I found. (Please excuse the rudimentary links...I am not the blogging guru that can do that kind of stuff, but you still get the point.)

One of the many things that I am working on in therapy is letting "the little girl" grow up. I have the duty to protect her and hold her. (Please see my previous post called The Question) Often times I have ignored her, let her be destroyed for adult Melissa's desires. How does this all realte to the links above? Well, it seems to have clicked this morning. I have a greater understanding of this inner child, and how I should treat her. Instead of threating her like I child, I need to humble the adult, and become more like her so that I can better understand her. This is what Jesus has been telling me all along, but it just never made sense. This is not to say that I will be trading in my suits for a smocked dress and a lolipop, but I will embrace her, and learn from her.

I have always loved children. Just yesterday, I had a stranger in my workplace. The other adults were busy talking, so I smiled at their two year old daughter. She grinned from ear to ear, and RAN into my arms. It is because of her that I see that is how we should be with Him. Such a small person, such a BIG lesson.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Spiritual Experience

We all know what the GREATEST gift is, but do you know what the second greatest gift is?

A PERFECT RETREAT GIFT CERTIFICATE!!

No lie. My sweet aunt and uncle gave me a gift certificate for a one hour massage, a jacuzzi tub soak, a european facial, and a parafin treatment. I made my appointment and went yesterday for this, oh so very, perfect retreat! It was the best massage I have ever had! There are three reasons for this: 1. she completely relaxed me from head to toe, 2. it was free, and 3. I spent the entire time silent, and reflective. I prayed, I hung out with God, and I just rested.

I am learning that I can hang out with God while I am doing other stuff. I don't know why this hadn't really occurred to me sooner, but I am glad that it has. So, I am spending more time with God.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Charlotte

"I've been dating since I was 15, where is he already?!?!?"

This is one of my FAVORITE quotes ever. It is from an episode of Sex and the City. The girls are sitting at breakfast discussing their current dating situations. This is Charlotte's sentiment about the fact that she continues to have one bad date after another. I TOTALLY identify with that statement. It is very difficult to be single in today's times. This online dating thing has produced LOTS of possibilities, and LOTS of BIG DORKS!!!

I know that I should trust Him to bring me the "one", but I am an anxious person. I have convinced myself that I have to actively seek this person. I could better focus my energies on seeking God, but for some reason, I continue to go on dates with ALL the wrong guys. Luckily, due to the nature of online dating, it is very easy to cut them loose at an early stage. All of this being said...I had another BAD date last night. We met for a very casual dinner, and talked about our divorce scenarios...to get it out of the way...his idea, not mine. Well, he was a great guy. Very sweet, attentive, insightful, and by my calculations, more of a woman than I am. We talked about camping. I, being a seasoned veteran of the pastime, discussed my many camping trips as an adult. I have spent 6 days backpacking across Colorado, been on several backpacking weekends to remote waterfalls, and can "rough it" with the best of them. Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate the modern amenities that one can find at an established campsite, but there is nothing quite as beautiful as sleeping under the stars in an area that is so far from civilization that you might not see another human for months. Some of the most beautiful places on this earth are in the middle of nowhere. I am fortunate to have seen a few of these such places. I am not really sure why I went into all of this...other than this is how I determined that my date last night was a bit of a wussy. His idea of camping is a pop-up camper with a fire built solely of Match Light Charcoals. (No offense to those of you that enjoy this) So, today, I have the duty of cutting him loose, while trying not to damage his seemingly fragile state....are there any strong men out there? I DO NOT want to be the man in a relationship. I am a girl, a very feminine being, and I have no intention of spending the rest of my life killing the spiders because my husband is a weenie.

My struggle for today...turn my focus back to God. A difficult task for me in the current "boy crazy" state that I am in. All I can do, is the best that I can do. After all, isn't admitting your shortcomings half of the battle?

Quote for the day: (I have a calendar that has some of humorous, uplifting sentiments) "God calls us to be faithful; He did not promise we would be successful.

For Today-----

Love, Charlotte

Sunday, January 22, 2006

A Divine Sunday

Alone time is something that is precious in today's world. We all seem to rush rush, and not take time for ourselves. Last night, I had the house to myself, and LOVED it. I just relaxed and enjoyed the silence. It was wonderful. I went to bed at a decent hour, an woke this morning to a clear head and a rested body. I spent some time "hanging out" with God this morning, then went downstairs for a cup of coffe. It was very relaxing.

Next...off to church. I have been visiting a church with a friend while I research other churches and what I am looking for in a church family. While singing this morning...the people in front of me probably wished I would stop...I started thinking. I really threw myself into the song, and the words that were being spoken through this comfortable, yet familiar, service. I realized that I have been searching for the wrong reasons. I have been looking for a church that I felt like I "fit" in. This is not why I enjoy going. It is not because I know anyone there, or because the ceremony is familiar. I go to church because I learn. I learn about God, and the Bible, and the ins and outs of being a Christian. This morning, I decided to stop my search. I love where I am going, and the messages that are taught. I get a tingly feeling when I think about the closeness I feel to God while I am sitting there. I know that this feeling is not always going to be present, but it is more often than not. Today's sermon...the second half of a discussion on Psalm 23. It was amazing. I think the part that I enjoyed the most was the children's time. We always sing the first verse of "Jesus Loves Me" on their way to the front of the church, and it makes me smile every time. Today, they talked about playing follow the leader and how we are following the leader by being his sheep. They also talked about God's flock of sheep and how He will leave the flock to find the one lost sheep. It was a great lesson for the children...and for me. All of this being said, I am going to continue visiting this church. I might possibly join, but my next step is to find a Sunday School class that I enjoy. I am very excited about this new development in my life.

As I grow, I would like to share more of how God is working in the details in my life. I would like this to become a daily devotional of sorts, to share my time with God.

This week, I have been struggling with my financial future...see previous blog. Yesterday, I had a return customer that saved over $2000 by following my advice. I was honest with them, and they were able to take advantage of a very nice sale. Before they left, they pulled me aside and handed me a check. I graciously accepted, thanked them for their business, and told them to keep in touch. Later in the day, I opened that check to find a HEFTY sum of money. Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy, and God DOES take care of the details. I will be writing them a very sincere thank you letter.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Free Chicken

Due to the nature of my business, I am often put into a position to "prove" that the money that I have earned is the correct amount. I have had a rough couple of days. Yesterday, I was faced with proving a considerable amount of money that was due to me. I am dealing with a boss that is unable to hear explanation, and due to that, is very easily frustrated when we go through this process...which happens every month. After two, very heated, discussions regarding a large sum of money that I was about to lose, her boss got involved. I explained everything to him, just as I did to her. He understood, and signed off on everything. It was difficult to humble myself for the rest of the day, but I did the best that I could. This is an example of how God takes care of the little things. He knows my struggles, and is taking care of me, all the while showing me that doing the right thing is always better than trying to do the wrong. I, being VERY frustrated with the situation, returned to my desk in tears (a VERY unprofessional thing in my world), and I prayed. I asked for His hand to take my frustration, and I gave up to the fact that He would make it correct, even if it wasn't my way. Well, you know the outcome.

Secondly, I struggle in my career path to "get out there". I second guess my abilities, and often pass on things that I know I am capable of. Well, after the occurrence from earlier in the day, I was feeling better, but still frustrated at the fact that my career is not as fulfilling as I had hoped it would be. I received some VERY good news late in the day. A charity organization that I have been involved in for several months is auctioning the work that I have been doing. Yesterday, we found out that it will not only be mentioned, but featured in an issue of a prestigious local publication. The project began with me seeing that I had something that I could do to help the greater good...my job is not one that affects life or death situations, so being able to help is something I wanted to do. Help the greater good. This is another example of God taking care of me. He knew that I needed the exposure for many reasons.

Then...off to therapy...which can go well or badly depending on the topic of the evening. Instead of really dealing with any ONE issue, we simply talked about my progress. I have "leveled off". I started at the bottom, made some changes in my life, went into a self destructive tailspin, and have FINALLY made it to the building stage. My therapist, a very devout Christian, and I talked about God working through her. We talked about my personal journey with Him. She reminded me that God will take care of the details, IF we allow him to. She also reminded me that if we see the world through His eyes as opposed to our own, we will have the child-like excitement that I have always felt was part of my personality. It is not mine, but His. By seeing the world through His eyes, we will still live a rollercoaster life...but seeing it His way, the valleys don't "thud" against the earth, but the rollercoaster levels out. The entire coaster elevates, thus making the peaks higher and the valleys not as low. I am encouraged by all of this, and am "hanging out" with God.

Then...to the title of this blog. In an effort to prepare for the next few months of not spending ANY unnecessary money, I ventured to the store. It was late, and as I was finishing my colossal shopping, I cruised past the deli. It was closing time, and apparently they are to throw the leftovers away. Long story short, I got a free rotisserie chicken from the nice deli man.

From a hungry, broke 30 year old...God works in mysterious ways.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

I'm OUT

I am OUT of EVERYTHING! This is going to sound like a grocery list, and I promise there is a point. I needed to get some of this off my chest so that I can realize the true point.

I am out of toothpaste, make-up base, powder, shampoo, conditioner, toilet paper, food, the all important ice cream, coffee creamer, vitamins, my meds, money, and almost out of credit. It seems like I get furthur and further behind every month. I am also out of sparkle. I live my life as best I can by the idea that if you can't look yourself in the mirror, you aren't living right. Well, after my hairdryer BLEW up this morning, I stood and stared in the mirror. There seems to be a sadness in my eyes... one that I have never seen before. I usually have a little sparkle to my eyes...and it is one of my favorite things about myself...but it wasn't there. Is it because I am tired, or lost, or lonely? I am not sure. My sister-in-law (one of the most amazing and real people in the world) often reminds me that sometimes God forces us to our knees. I have been struggling with my Christian walk. I seem to do really well for awhile, then it is back to my old self. Sometimes it's for years, or only a few days. This time, I feel like it is only a few days. I can't help but think that my "outs" are merely symbolic for the major thing that I am "out" of...faith. I also feel like I am out of time. I know that God will welcome me back into His arms at any point in my life...but am I taking advantage of that...is that why the sparkle is gone?

If anyone has some words of encouragement, or a little advice...I would GREATLY appreciate it. I think what I really need is a swift kick in the butt.

God, I am here, please help me hear. Love, Melissa

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Purely Fiction, A Fairytale

A beautiful, successful princess sits quietly at her desk staring at her computer. She plans for her future. What kind of house she will live in, what kind of car she will drive, what kind of relationship she will have, what will her Prince Charming look like, how will her faith in God develop?

While thinking, almost to the point of obsession, she realizes that her life, for all of it's faults, has been pretty amazing. She has encountered the strife of a life in today's world, but has always landed on her feet. She has led a privileged life. She hasn't wanted for anything. Her career was always what she expected it to be. Her relationships...all preparation for her Prince Charming. Her God; perfect, fatherly, and ever present, although not always acknowledged. Her family, in their chateaus, are faulted but loved.

While contemplating all of this, she is quickly reminded by the ringing of her cell phone, that the present awaits. Jolted back into the reality that the bills have piled up, that she is not doing what she wants to with her career, that she is alone. She looks to God. He holds her, He loves her, but she still can't give into the FACT that He has a plan for her. She has free will, and can't help but think that her decisions have gotten her to this, very low, point in her life. He has picked her up before, but the low seems overwhelming today. What brings her hope? God.

This modern princess of sorts has problems, not unlike the fairytales of the past...they didn't tell us about those parts. Rapunzel...spent too much money on her shampoo, Snow White....couldn't please all of the dwarfs, Cinderella...still had a screwed up family.

So, what does this modern princess want, what does her fairytale consist of? Ultimately looking within herself to trust God with her search for Prince Charming, to trust God to lead her in the career path that He has for her, to trust God that it is not her will being done, but His. So, what does she do from here?

PRAY! Pray like she never has before, give it all to Him, glorify His name, look to Him for guidance, and hold on tight...cause it could get bumpier before the smooth sailing.

So, is that it? Is smooth sailing what her fairytale is? No, it is contentment. Contentment in the life that God has in store for her. What is she to do from here? "Just Breathe"

Love,
Princess Melissa

Rest and Procrastination

Why is it that I have a million things to do, to get taken care of but that I can procrastinate with the best of them? I was off work yesterday and instead of getting things done that I REALLY needed to, I did the things that I wanted to. Is it back to the selfish thing? Did I really NEED the rest? I am not really sure. I am a week behind on my bible study, need to pay my bills, haven't done my "homework", and the list goes on...

I think that when I don't want to deal with things, I just procrastinate. I did this in college. I put off things that I didn't want to do until I absolutely had to. The difference now, I am realizing that I procrastinate because there are deeper reasons for my not wanting to deal with them. Like the fictional fairytale that I am to write, I don't want to do it because I am afraid of what I might write. It is hard to be faced with digging deep enough to write something that you aren't sure you know about. I talk about the fairytale a lot. I know in my heart that there is a sense of rescue that most fairytales have. Do I REALLY want to be rescued? What would that entail? Does it only have to do with romance or love? Why am I so afraid to write it?

I had a conversation with a friend the other night. My heart hurts for her. She is so dark, so untrusting, so hurt, it is hard for me to relate because I am more of a "live in the moment" kind of person. She spoke about her reasons for not having children. She is afraid that the foreign countries will come back to get the "Superpower" U.S. . She is afraid to bring a child into this world that is rampant with immorality. What do you say to someone who is making life decisions and is at a crucial part of their life, but are basing these decisions on world issues, when there in nothing that they can control about the world? I understand her point of view, but look at it quite oppositely. I want to have children, to raise them the absolute best that I can, and maybe they can live a good life as well. If we all did this, would the world not end up a better place? What does this have to do with the rest of my blog? Simple. She also seeks the fairytale, which is a contradiction to the rest of her statements. In a sense she wants to be rescued from these dark thoughts. I guess I am just thinking here, about the good and the bad of this fairytale thing.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Good News...for once

Can you have a date that actually goes the way that you think a date should go? You know the drill. They pick you up at your house at the time that they said they were going to, they open the door for you, you go to a nice dinner and talk about anything and everything. Meet some friends at a party, but it seems like there is no one else in the room. All the while, enjoying each other's company and finding out that you not only have things in common, but that your plan for life is as close to identical as you have ever heard.

The answer, ABSOLUTELY!!!

Chivalry is not dead! Real gentlemen do exist, and interest in each other that I have sought seems to be real.

I wasn't particularly excited about this one, my first impression was that he might be too mature for my child-like life. Today, I know that first impressions can be incorrect, and that things aren't always what they seem.

After a long spell of heartache, self-inflicted wounds, and shattered hopes, my faith is renewed in God and in mankind. Now...it is time to guard my heart, hold on, and ENJOY THE RIDE!!!!

Saturday, January 14, 2006

The Question

"Does ANYBODY Hear Her?"

The answer to this question today is...no. Throw caution to the wind, live life in the moment, and what does it get you...squat. Is the risk worth it? No.

We ALL have an inner child. I struggle to know if I am making decisions for the little girl, or for the seemingly grown up Melissa. What typicaly happens is that I make decisions with some sort of clouded judgement. I send the little girl to play in traffic armed with a balloon (that adult Melissa filled full of anticipation, excitement, and a lot of hot air). Then I stand on the side of the road and watch. It is truly like an out of body experience. She does okay, dodges the big trucks, stops to pet a dog, and makes it to the other side of the road...waiting for me to tell her to come back. The casuality of her journey, the balloon. Adult Melissa makes decisions for the little girl in the middle of this quest, thinking more of the safety of the balloon than for the little girl. Inevitably, the balloon gets popped. For adult Melissa, this feels like someone took the wind out of her sails. They let all of the air out of her tires, they took her excitement and feelings and made them meaningless. Her balloon got popped, and all she has left when the little girl comes back is a string, and a scared little girl.

Dear God,
Please help me to take care of the little girl.
Love,
Melissa

If I stood on top of the tallest building and screamed at the top of my lungs, would anybody hear me?

Friday, January 13, 2006

A Little Excitement, at least for me

Online dating. Something I never thought I would find acceptable, but a tool that has become a wonderful outlet for my desire to have attention from the opposite sex. While I am not in a relationship, I tend to be a little "boy crazy". I seek the affections and attentions of men to fill some sort of void in my life. If you want to dig deeper it deals with my relationships with my parents and my hesitation at many points in my life to allow God to "fill that desire". So, here I am. I have played the bar games of dating, and just would up empty, alone, and feeling worse about myself than I did to begin with. A while ago, I signed up for an online dating service....one that promises to match you with people that you are compatible with. Well, in the time that I have been on there, I have only had 6 matches, all out of town, and none of them really interesting. So about a month ago, I signed on to another such service. This one...a little less regulated, but MUCH faster paced, is a considerable ROI compared to the other. Well, I now have to deal with the DIRTY OLD MAN factor...these are men that clearly are below what I would accept to date. I have had messages from the WHOLE gamut of people. I even had one that asked for friendship with benefits...nice concept, but he was quickly ignored and blocked. Oh yea, the ignore button...the single woman's greatest ally in online dating. Someone im's you, you have a minute to check out their profile and picture...don't like what you see, hit ignore. Kinda reminds me of those commercials with the easy button...well, it has saved me from many a redneck and/or dirty old man. I wish that I could carry that button around in my pocket and use it in the physical world. What is funny in all of this is that although I would NEVER consider going out with 90 percent of the people that have tried to contact me, the attention does help the old self-esteem, flattering to know that someone can be attracted to me and only know a very little about who I am and what I look like. Ok, so now that I have given you a little history of my dating life at this point, I will get to the purpose of this blog.

I have met, in person, five people that I have been communicating with through the web. I have figured out, and maybe it is justtification to make me feel like I am not a freak for doing this, but that it is actually safer than the methods of meeting people than I have used in the past. I always tell my rooommates where I am going, who I am meeting, and I NEVER put myself in a situation that I would not be comfortable in...I always meet them in public places so as not to put myself in danger if they turn out to be Jeffrey Daumer. How is this different than what I have done in the past to meet people? Well, traditionally, I would go out with a group of friends to a bar, find a cute boy, and flirt shamelessly. Often exchaging phone numbers without knowing ANYTHING about them. The dating from there usually goes the way that they, still very much a stranger, would come pick me up at my house, and we go on a date. What is wrong with this you might ask? I usually didn't even know their last name, and no one else knew what I was doing or where I was going...see the difference??? So, the internet thing...I am a little more guarded, and a LOT more careful.

The real reason for this blog??? You will have to wait until next week...I have a date on Sunday that I am VERY, VERY, VERY excited about. How's that for a clifhanger???? Oh, and for those of you that know me....don't call to ask me about this...I am not going to jinx this one...you will just have to wait for the blog.

Love to you all! M

It's FRIDAY!!!

Well, after blogging last night, I am back. I guess I had forgotten why I started doing this to begin with. I realized after re-reading this this morning, that I really enjoy it. I really want to write more often. I have several tasks for blogs that have been requested...I have started them, but am having a really hard time wrapping my mind around their concepts. That, or I just REALLY don't want to deal with the issues that I will be forced to while writing them. So, like all important things is my life, I will procrastinate. I guess that isn't a good word either, because I will be thinking, obsessing, and searching these issues and trying to find the ability to write them the whole time I am doing other things. What I am trying to say is that I have a hard time talking about the "Fairytale". Be it fact or fiction, I guess it is something that is deeply personal to me, a life that I want and seek, but how do you put into words your deepest wants, desires, needs...without fearing being hurt? I seem to be able to tell my life story very easily, but I can't talk about my dreams. Hmm.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Preparation for Fiction

This is harder than I thought. Putting your feelings out there. I have had lots of thought of what I want to put on here. At 30, I have homework, tough homework. Write a fictional fairytale, can you do that and keep your subconscious out of it? Where does it start? Where does it end? Is there a lesson? What is the feeling it will leave me with when I am finished? Can you really step outside of yourself, and write something that isn't about your life, or a lesson you have learned, or something you are going through? My fear, will my fairytale, the fiction one, be dark or sad? My feelings might get in the way. Can I trust that God has already written my fairytale? I know and trust that he has and that it is perfect. Can I search myself and write one from my own thoughts? Will any of it match God's?

Time to stop asking myself these questions and get on with it...

Monday, January 09, 2006

Purely Selfish

Given my circumstances, I have the right and/or curse to be very selfish in my lifestyle and decisions. This morning is a perfect example. I have the choice of writing another blogg, or doing my Bible study. Knowing the right answer to that predicament, here I sit. This being said, I am going to take this opportunity to tell you a little more about me. It is the selfish choice of my options, and I know this, but I also know that God is here with me.

When you have very few responsibilities, you can be very selfish in your choices. My current worldly responsibilities include, but are not limited to: paying my taxes, and well, that is pretty much it. I have bills to pay, so I go to work to a job that bears very little value other than money. Now, due to this (and by my conscious choice), I have the ability to live a somewhat carefree life, or at least it would seem this way to the people that do not know what I am going through and dealing with on a daily basis. I allow others to perceive this "image" that I have built. It is one of a strong, single, professional with an impractical car, nice clothes, and very little else to show for the fact that I have NO money.

And now, for the rest of the story. "Responsibilities with Higher Value", may have to be a whole other blogg, but I will try to keep it brief. I have a God, so I am responsible for living a good life. This life has been composed of a series of choices, some good, some bad. We all have this. This is where we have the ability to live a self-serving life, or to live a God-serving life. My choices have leaned more to the self-serving side for a majority. (ie. blogging vs. Bible study this morning) I also have responsibilities to friends and family. I want to be a good daughter/sister/granddaughter/friend. This seems to fight with the selfishness, but because my motivations tend to lean towards a perfect image of sorts that I am trying to portray, it becomes selfish again. Choosing to be lazy instead of spending time with loved ones is a choice I am often faced with, and I usually choose laziness. This is not to say that I am lazy, but that I would rather "hide" than be burdened with putting on my "image". All of this being said, there is a battle going on inside my head and heart that I am fighting. Why am I so self-serving? This is a question that crosses my mind almost every minute of every day.

I don't claim to be special, or expect special treatment. I live my life to the best of my ability. I am coming to accept that you cannot change another person, you can only modify yourself to deal with situations and circumstances. This ability is one that God has given us, it is what seperates us from the animals.

This blogg seems to be a little scattered as I look back over what I have written. I am not sure if that is because I haven't had enough coffee to think clearly this morning, or because the medication hasn't kicked in. I chose to leave this writing in this state. I will not go back and make changes to make it more clear. I was searching through some other blogs yesterday and stumbled across one that is written by a man with ADHD and or ADD. Very interesting. I will put the link on here when I figure out how to do it. I guess what I am saying here is that I have what my therapist calls an "anxiety disorder". For every one thought that most people have, I have an average of four - without medication. With medication....oh, and thank you medication, I can slow my mind to half that speed. Still fast, but palpable. Ok, back to the point. Selfishly I am telling you all of this BECAUSE (aren't you ready for some point?), I am in the early stages of "sorting" my life out with the help of God and MANY other people...some I even pay for. Whether anyone reads all of this is not important to me. It is theraputic for me to get all of this out of my mind...clearing the cobwebs if you will. Maybe someone will visit and have a better understanding for me, or someone that they love that has a lot on their "plate", and struggles to know God and themselves better. I am on a quest for deeper understanding of why I am here, this blogg is where I will share that quest.

If you are along for the ride, be sure your seatbelts are fastened, your tray tables are in the upright and locked position, and hold on...

P.S. I like to say little "catchy" things...please feel free to share yours with me...the one for today...hmmm...

To quote a song... "Keep your hands on the wheel, believe in the things that are real, take your time, and keep it between the lines."

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Let's Start at the Very Beginning

Where to start? Well, I am a 30 year old, divorced, designer who runs at 9o miles an hour at all times. For all intensive purposes, let's call me Melissa. I am starting this in an effort to clear my mind, and maybe share some lessons and laughs with anyone who cares. I have tried the written journal approach to expression, and find it boring and lackluster. So, here I am.

First, let's talk about the people that might be interested in reading this so as not to waste anyone's time. I would consider myself "normal" (although many people in my life might disagree with that). If you have been cheated on, heard the ticking of the proverbial clock, found yourself lost from God, sacrificed your priorities for the sake of not being alone, had a crazy relationship with your mother (mine will NEVER know about this), and all the while still have faith that the "Fairytale Life" is not only possible, but deserved, then welcome to my world. I am an eternal optimist, my glass is always half-full, and there is not a problem in the world that a long drive in a convertible and a conversation with God that can't be overcome. If any of this relates to your life, please visit often. I make no promises as to anything you might learn, but finding out that you (and I, for that matter) aren't alone in this boat with many holes.

I look forward to this new journey of self-expression, anonominity, and hopeful feedback from perfect strangers.

The song lyrics to songs can often startle us into a surreal reality of our lives. The below is that song for me. It is a beautiful explanation of my quest of life to this point. May it provoke your thoughts, and hopefully bring you solace that there is someone out there that has been there too.

She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyon's ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years older
And she's three more steps behind

CHORUS
Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?

She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming
And he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason
And she gives herself away

CHORUS

If judgment looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we've never even met her (repeat)
We've never even met her

Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me

CHORUS
He is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction

I am not sure what the rules are about this kind of thing, but this song is from the Lifesong CD by Casting Crowns...a WONDERFUL, contemporary christian band.